James Alvarez

White people love a reenactment

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

I like to bring a guitar with me to parties as a threat to anyone who tries to talk to me.

You’re too kind

On the first day of the 47th year of my life I chose to start by doing my favorite thing. Going to the gym with my little darlin’ Laila. It’s never too late to be better and feel better. I love life, my family and friends. Find the little things in this dark world.

I like to bring a guitar with me to parties as a threat to anyone who tries to talk to me.

Me: Can I paint your nails?

Jesus: …

if you say amen during a prayer you are hanging up on god you monsters

There were a few songs that asked "Ya'll ready for this?"

I always said I was ready for this.

But deep down, I knew I wasn't.

Nice empire of dirt, dude. It would be a shame if I could have it all

I imagine wild horses could drag me pretty far away actually.

I’ve never coached my kids in any sport but I have yelled at them while they play Mario Kart.

Being an adult means promising yourself you’ll get on a better sleep schedule every day until you die

“still punk as fuck” i whisper, as in my delirium i attempt to vape using a thermometer

I’m in the second half of the movie Goodfellas part of my life.

Remember when we had to carry around our flip phones AND a digital camera? My god we were like pack mules

I’m in the second half of the movie Goodfellas part of my life.

It’s not the dead parents that make you the Batman. It’s having rich dead parents that make you Batman.

*2 seconds after taking my meds* oh shit did i take my meds 🤔

this is not a sitcom and there will be no immediate resolution at the end of the episode.

(scrolling through job postings for 20 minutes) Maybe this doesn't matter. Maybe nothing matters at all. Maybe the industrial revolution was a mistake

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. But now, it's mostly the worst of times.

When I drive and you’re in another car. Just know that your name is mother fucker.

Welcome to the jungle. Do you have a reservation?

you merely adopted the sadness; I was born in it, molded by it

[finally finds a comfortable sleep position] *apocalypse sirens blare*

The difference between a pile of dead bodies and a pile of compost is time and marketing

When you notice an app changed its font very slightly and you ask god how much more you can take

(When I gain weight)

Well I've been stressed out at work and haven't had time for the gym, so it's understandable.

(When a celebrity gains weight)

Well look at this fat piece of shit.