Pop off, slur !

I wish I had enough Neanderthal DNA to be a male model :(

Okay, but sometimes they put Fudd Ruckers in my ass…

🎶I’m gonna keep on dancing
at the hot buttered cum 🎶

do you sell hot buttered cum here?

Not Chateua Diana changing the label 🥺

Me + perfectly day drunk + airpods + target = bliss ☺️

When ur just day drunk enough to yearn to adopt a dog 🙃

Can’t tell if this is pre-fight silence or just regular post-dinner car ride silence

Any toilet can be a bidet if you flush hard enough

I have named my weed vape ‘Pennilyn Lott’

thus spoke fartathustra

Who wants to go in with me on a copper mine?

My fav weird thing about having a 1br in Manhattan is finding the random nooks that haven’t been wiped down in the last 40 years. Underside of my kitchen cabinets looked like a frat house toilet seat until just now

Who did I hurt in a past life for me to always be behind someone in line with a 40 step coffee order before I have work

Walked up to the fancy starred place on a whim and a table was freeee for onnnnne. Yes I am familiar with your menu, yes still water please, yes tomorrow will be a long day and I deserve this 😊

Cousin walk was between the wine wracks in the basement this year which I think should be the new thing if it’s gonna keep being cold every year 🥶

Cousin gifts this year were a flannel shirt, paperback of Lonesome Dove, and five hits off of a converted cartdemic juul vape 🤤

Said four year old is talking highly of me even though I was clearly peaking at the kids table. The eleven year old isn’t buying her shit

Ate one of my aunt’s “pantry edibles” before dinner (they’ve always been really week before) I’m fucking ripped at the table talking to a four year old about Bluey

Half of my family being in blue J Crew fisherman sweaters that have dog hair on them is really apt (I am one of them)

Obsessed with the frantic woman who asked the people working at the Penn Station Gotham News if they sell menorahs at 12:15pm

Still the most expensive haircut I’ve ever had ngl

I read the sign wrong 😊

I’m trying a new barber and I didn’t check the prices and now that I’ve gotten here I feel to awkward to leave so I guess I’m about to drop $125

Whoever figured out bacon is great

I have decided that Addison Rae and Madison Beer are the same person 😊

Just found the following page, sorry to all 5 of you

@halesfortune.bsky.social I am inviting you both to join LDF, the Liam Defense Fund, which would make it affordable for scrappy losers named Liam to persevere in a world full of Karens with Yelp accounts. Join today!

Never. He is my perfect angel