MALZENO

this is the first year since i was 16 that i haven't had somewhere to be for NYE. and i don't know what to do with myself.
my head hurts, i can't really sleep, i just feel rough

Glass of wine, Stanley full of ice water, lights off, candles on, snacks on hand, and starting a dark urge playthru of bg3 ✨ let’s see if I can actually be evil or not, I’ve never finished the game and I have also never not been nice to everyone lol

making small steps of progress cleaning the bedroom. not a lot of storage, but a lot of stuff, so theres kinda stuff everywhere.
i found a box of candles in a corner from about 2 weeks before we split, 1/2 of them were his picks. i remember how excited he was for them. and now i want to die. fuck.

ive manage to clean my office almost entirely, just havent touched the carpet. i reorganized ALL of the papers in the house and got it all into the filing cabinet, which that more than anything is a massive weight off of me. may or may not start in the bedroom, but also wanna dick around on games 🤔

aaaaand just like that, my mini vacation from work is p much gone. today i wanna spend time tidying up upstairs, and as much downstairs as i can. TONS of errands to run tomorrow, and deep cleaning all the rest of the weekend to prepare for my annual xmas dinner next friday!! oh god so much to do...

My whole world, my everything. I can’t help it, I’m just laying here with her and crying bc she’s getting older and it’s showing more often now. I’d give anything to turn the clock back

Last night + this morning. Exchanged gifts early; I got her a big Snuggie and replaced a pin she lost; I got a (NEW) copy of my fav DS games. Playing hooky today before her surgery tomorrow. Sweatpants, hoodie blankets, slippers, coffee, eggs w salsa verde and toast & gonna play FN all morning!! 🖤🖤🖤

I have been so exhausted, struggling to sleep, works been ass as I’ve been carrying but at least I only have to work tomorrow and then I’ll be off till next Monday to take care of wren bc she’s FINALLY getting her wisdom teeth out Tuesday morning, bless her heart, it’s about time

I felt like shit all day today but I hear an owl outside and I’m so happy about it I wanna cry

God it hurts. I’m having a hard time keeping distracted, but there’s gotta be a first for it all somewhere.

actually fucking crying bc she doesnt shy away from my GF antics

Today
Wren went to a friends bday party while I ran errands, I’ve had this song on repeat all day, chores are getting done, and my holiday decorations (tho meager) make me so happy

It’s not much, but it’s so so so much better than it was and I wanna cry with happiness.

Also, another chunk of garage cleaned, the kitchen cleaned + rearranged, upstairs linen closet cleaned and heaps of his old broken PC stuff tossed. Downstairs cleaned (mostly) and I have Xmas decorations up for the first time in years. He hated it so I did the minimum to keep him from getting mad

It’s still here at the house, none of our volunteers showed to help but we did it. The pieces are on the back porch now lol but they’re out of the house, which was the big deal.

It’s been a hell of a past 24 hrs. Yesterday we donated 7 trash bags of his clothes that were sitting in the garage the last 1.5 years, along w one of his old broken desk chairs, one of his old broken TVs that mice made a home in, and, destroyed and moved out the old sectional he left too.

YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!!!!

a painting of vaporeon (the pokemon) underwater in a giant clam looking cute :)

everyone's favorite sea creature!

im sitting here just wanting to cry, even. she helps and doesnt complain. ever. she takes initiative. she shares responsibilities. she's patient. she's gentle. she's beautiful in and out. and im so happy but im also so fucking scared i almost can't stand it. i really hope this is it. i love her

we're gonna go talk to the bank tomorrow. theres a few things nearby we're interested in for her. can we really afford it? not really, but do we need a backup? very much so. we'll figure it out. im so proud of her. im so happy to have her. she's such a breath of fresh air it isnt even funny

so many feelings.
we did a bunch of chores. not everything, but a lot. including cleaned a chunk of the garage thats just sat w her stuff in it since the day she moved in. theres more space now. still a bunch of stuff, including ex's, but it gone. and i didnt even ask her to do that. she just did

ooooh insurance actually quoted something doable. now we just gotta see what the bank says. been on hold forever tho :c

since wren got her license a month ago, she found a little truck she genuinely is interested in. its a ford maverick, which, god fuck i cant get away from the fords, but, its actually not a bad price. shes looking into loans and im talking to insurance we'll see how this goes.

I think it’s just kinda the way things are these days, it seems even the good things have certain strings attached. I love you

I think one of my friends took their life today. Learned while at lunch with some old friends from school. While I couldn’t say we were close, they always made me feel safe and seen, and my gf looked up to her as an older trans role model. I hope she’s at peace and her wife will be alright…

graaaaanted my new mortgage is $300 more per month than my old one w my ex on it, but this one is all mine and she's more helpful with bills than he ever was, so while its gonna be tight still (thanks celiac for making food MORE expensive), i think it is gonna be okay after all :3

Her last stretch of work for awhile— started on her back! And oooooh my god. Made her shredded tofu tacos w/homemade slaw & jalepeno crema for dinner, settling down to warframe and fresh baked banana bread the rest of the night. New mortgage in effect today too. Life is pretty okay atm 🖤

right now, everything really hurts.
but at some point, it will get better, and i know it will. i just wish it didn't take so long

im back to sleeping maybe 2 hours a night while working and also doing this refinance, im in between 2 firms now and i feel like a scumbag for it even though im p sure thats really what you're SUPPOSED to do, but i feel so scummy. ugh.