I make adjusting to daylight savings easy by getting absolutely shitfaced.
09.03.2026 02:25 — 👍 91 🔁 25 💬 6 📌 1I make adjusting to daylight savings easy by getting absolutely shitfaced.
09.03.2026 02:25 — 👍 91 🔁 25 💬 6 📌 1
Doctor: What’s your blood type?
Me, confidently: Red.
It's Monday all day today, and there's no known way to prevent this.
09.03.2026 07:48 — 👍 29 🔁 12 💬 2 📌 1
Probably should've laid off those edibles before I did my own taxes.
A side note however...I'm getting back twelve and a half million dollars.
you can beat around the bush all you want but I don’t have one so it’s kind of a waste of time
03.01.2026 02:22 — 👍 182 🔁 45 💬 19 📌 0putting “I don’t like dark mode” on my dating profile saves me a lot of heartache
17.01.2026 01:38 — 👍 137 🔁 34 💬 24 📌 0I mean, sometimes you wanna see a dick pic. Don’t lie
17.01.2026 02:41 — 👍 123 🔁 25 💬 37 📌 3
Where the fuck did the weekend go?
- Me, every Sunday at 5:30pm
pro tip: sometimes just shutting the fuck up is the best course of action
08.03.2026 18:50 — 👍 32 🔁 7 💬 1 📌 0You expect me to eat chia seeds?? The same seeds I use to grow my pets?
08.03.2026 19:19 — 👍 129 🔁 38 💬 6 📌 0This candle smells like toast. Uh, oh…
08.03.2026 04:03 — 👍 49 🔁 21 💬 0 📌 0I’m at the age where I look at old pictures of me to see if that mole always looked like this.
08.03.2026 20:05 — 👍 43 🔁 21 💬 0 📌 0One time I gave my dad porn for Christmas.
06.03.2026 12:48 — 👍 43 🔁 19 💬 7 📌 0The “Scary Movie 6” trailer certainly was scary.
06.03.2026 19:37 — 👍 23 🔁 15 💬 0 📌 0Surprisingly awkward for being this good looking.
08.03.2026 18:36 — 👍 29 🔁 9 💬 1 📌 0
*plays the drum solo from in the air tonight perfectly*
I rest my case your honor
I couldn’t figure out how to change the clock on the microwave, so I just threw it away and ordered a new one.
08.03.2026 18:17 — 👍 11 🔁 5 💬 0 📌 0on international women’s day we should be able to kick two men in the balls with no questions asked
08.03.2026 17:39 — 👍 158 🔁 40 💬 25 📌 0kids are all grown up so time to teach the cat to drive i guess
14.02.2026 02:44 — 👍 253 🔁 67 💬 9 📌 0A remake of Taxi Driver called My Fare Lady
08.03.2026 07:05 — 👍 68 🔁 19 💬 4 📌 0Note to self: write note to self.
08.03.2026 07:23 — 👍 18 🔁 7 💬 1 📌 0I've never met a dog that I've wanted to ignore.
08.03.2026 07:55 — 👍 37 🔁 16 💬 1 📌 0
sorry I made you fall in love with me
after watching my magic tricks
For a small subscription fee I will tell you if an account gives me the jeebies
07.03.2026 17:12 — 👍 77 🔁 24 💬 5 📌 0some of you have done very little to pump up the jam and it shows
07.03.2026 21:34 — 👍 223 🔁 60 💬 17 📌 4I bet my belly button lint is softer than yours
07.03.2026 16:03 — 👍 16 🔁 6 💬 2 📌 0My only dance move is the sprinkler
06.03.2026 21:27 — 👍 25 🔁 10 💬 1 📌 0Who doesn't enjoy long romantic strolls to the liquor store?
05.03.2026 12:29 — 👍 59 🔁 31 💬 1 📌 0put you on a pedestal so I can look up your skirt(consensually)
07.03.2026 15:39 — 👍 28 🔁 12 💬 2 📌 0I know I'm old now because when someone asks how I'm doing I tell them the truth without mercy
07.03.2026 14:59 — 👍 197 🔁 74 💬 7 📌 3