Scarf🍮

this would be so great as a stamp

apparently, the condo market in Canada is crashing

not that it affects me because I don't have money to buy a condo, nor do I want to

having a public account is weird... but hey whatever

A black and white cat sits in the shadows, staring directly at the camera with wide eyes, as if silently asking for something.

I would like… something :3

A black and white cat stares forward with a serious, almost ominous expression. His eyes are partially hidden in shadow, giving him a mysterious and intense look.

No thoughts…?

I should discipline myself to not get delivery more than once every two weeks, then once a month... I should develop meal plans or something during this downtime

it doesn't go well when I try to force myself to do things so not sure how to get myself motivated... I'll just have to attempt it

I should be ok to look for work for at least a year or so (a lot more if I liquidate ETFs but I don't want to do that)

I don't think I'm going to want to travel

I need to "create opportunities" and such

I am a poor networker so this will be difficult... it's so awkward to ask

I was on reddit in depression subreddits because it's been a little bad recently (like since I returned from the trip) and I don't know... or really I do know what to do

I don't think I'm receptive to therapy at the moment so I'll just have to get on with... something... some positive action

writing those reports for school for the co-op thing might actually have been useful... like I needed to think about what I got out of the program because like hell I remember now what I was doing

It's depressing to think about... I think it's too obvious that I hate the whole process. I'm fine when I actually have a job (I'm diligent and learn fast) but how to convince someone of that when my mind goes blank during interviews is tough

it's better when it becomes a conversation (a good sign)

It might be less fraught now since I'm more socialized (......)

at least, I think that's the case?? I think that every time I've passed an interview (not many times since I started my adult life 10 years later than other people) the standard might have been lower

I was (rightly) rejected from almost every dental school I interviewed at because they've interviewed thousands of people, they know how to screen out people who don't want to be there.

I only got in the one school because they (at the time) had a non standard interview.

I am not sure exactly why, but there are some things I am so resistant to, even though they're mandatory

interviews... I can't fake it so basically the only way I passed was due to some other factor, like they weren't picky or ... I'm not even sure. it's been that way forever

I'm not sure what the division between posting here vs my twitter account is

it's just... a mood

it's true

*source: me

Finally past April 17... My room and life is a mess but I'm taking 1.5 months off so there's time to fix it (later)

I'm going to slowly work through my fun things backlog now that I don't feel guilty about it

and I have to write a reflection post about the experience

there's that story where there's a yarn ball and pulling the string skips time and I wish I had that

just skip to April 17 at 4 PM

anyway I have crises every so often but I get over it the next day

I'm going to rest more today... I think I cleared enough things on Friday and Saturday I can take a little time

I actually didn't fail but the next one... that one.........

May trip is in jeopardy if I can't get myself together

though the meet up times are limited, so I should be able to get it together for a couple of hours/ 1 day

that I'm still alive at this point is nearly a miracle considering that I've messed up so many times (having parents with money is a substantial factor of that too since that aspect isn't an issue for me)

I'm relatively frugal, though part of that is because I'm depressed so enjoyment is difficult

time 2) dental school - that was a dumpster fire... I didn't fulfill the requirements there either and it was complicated by the fact I was 2.5 years into the program and I'd done all this prep for it and moved to the US

I think in hs the breakdown was bad but not as bad as this one

time 1) high school - there's an advanced program (IB) that was offered by the school. So, I was in the full version but I really didn't fulfill the requirements so I dropped out of that (2 courses were done already so I still got credit for those)

I remember having a breakdown with a teacher.

the last two times I remember being really overwhelmed, I dropped out of the program I was doing at that time

maybe this time I won't (I'll pass, even if I lose 30% of my grade)

kind of pisses me off but actually... it's not like I haven't barely passed courses before, what is wrong with me

step 1 - make a plan
step 2 - brainstorm possible random graphs to make
step 3 - make graphs
step 4 - write explanations for presentation purposes

ugh... I have this stupid assignment to do... I'm seriously tempted to not do it at all and lose like 8% of my grade

this shit doesn't matter.... I suppose I'll make a minimal effort (like get 3/5 2/3, losing 3% is ok)

cannot believe it's already March

before midterms is like 7 weeks and after is 5 (because the week before finals doesn't have new stuff) so weeks 9-13 are it

this does mean I need to book everything, though my plans for New York are relatively free form (1-2 things per day)

I'm feeling so lazy... I should do at least one productive thing this evening though

just a little work... I guess

I always have things to do but I let my procrastination take over sometimes

my whole plan is to procrastinate earlier so I will not actually submit things late