Billhelm

i sorted my bookshelf by emotional damage instead of author. Normies wouldn't get it.

an app that actively blocks every other user as soon as you sign up

[walking past a bar] lol i passed the bar ima lawyer now

take this buzzfeed quiz to find out which horseman of the apocalypse you are

My special talent is carefully going over each skeet 12 times to find all grammar mistakes and typos before hitting post…and fucking it up regardless

I’m a real prize

you utter fools you absolute twats you fuckers of mothers

I love you

[basting the turkey]

Everything reminds me of him

A bukkake but it’s just me covered in melted cheese.

The pen may be mightier than the sword but the penguin is not mightier than the swordfish.

It kept you grounded

My favorite childhood toy was a plug socket. Perhaps that’s why I don’t recall much of my childhood.

In a dentist chair waiting for a cleaning while “I Saw the Sign” by Ace of Base plays. This could be virtually any year of my life.

Him: "why are you naked?"

Me: "im eating lasagna"

Contrary to its name, the Emperor Penguin holds no real power.

That is reserved for the Prime Minister Penguin.

marriage is getting woken up from a nap so your partner can ask if you’re still napping

where's waldo but its a penguin in a tuxedo store

a voodoo doll was my favourite childhood toy in case you're wondering why your barbie was so depressed

building a time machine to go forward far enough to see if this post will be a banger

My favorite childhood toys were army men and dump trucks and anyway now I have a thing for men in uniform

"I'm an ideas man" he said while rolling the fattest joint the world has ever seen

the way to a man heart is through here. or here. also, here. -gross anatomy lab instructor

No one tells you much less stressful the holidays are when both your parents are dead 🥰

[Emergency Room]

dr: I agree it’s unsightly but it’s only a rash

me: but it really hurts to sit on, doc

dr: just apply this lotion, if it’s still bad in a week see your own dr

m: but doctor—

dr: no your regular physician is fine, it doesn’t have to be an ass specialist

I may have been born a Pisces, but I identify as a cancer to everyone around me

Cause of death?
*slow drag on a cigarette*
Groove...in the heart

if I used generative AI this would be called a sloppost

letting ai write my obituary by training it on all of yours

Hear me out, sauerkraut scented candle.

The “It Gets Better” campaign was a lie

did the thing where i slept funny and now one side of my neck is broken for 3-5 days. the human body is a miracle