Billhelm

awww. is somebody having a midwife cwisis?

- elmer fudd to his wife who's in labor and the obstetrician is running late

My o-face is exactly like being on hour nine of a food poisoning incident and I’m just dry heaving.

This is about being married

I hate to break it to you but your dog is only in it for the treats, belly rubs, and sloppy kisses

me: bibbity bobbity boop

my cat: I hate you

If you see a bear stealing a pic a nic basket: no, you didn’t

Microwave instructions should just be: Cook until you hear screaming or an explosion.

me: my doctor says i need surgery urgently.

friend: oh my god! i’m so sorry. what kind?

me: plastic.

I don’t even know what sarcastic means

At the doctor this morning I asked if I had rizz as it seems to be going around. She just looked at me confused.

‘bridge’ is short for rebrigerator

onions are more than their layers. stop objectifying onions.

Who called it rage baiting when dopeamean was right there

friend: do you think this is poisonous?

me: you mean venomous?

friend: *bites me*

Any prehistoric mammal that loses its mind is technically a mastodon Quixote

Anything that isn't about elephants is irrelephant.

Mastodon: the perfect social media platform for folks who never want more than 20 likes on a post.

I never forget my first love conquest. I’m like a Mastodon Juan

Repliers, by type:

ONE UPPER: “Here’s an improved version of your joke.”

LITERALIST: “God, you must be a terrible therapist.”

CORRECTOR: “Sir, that’s a mammoth, not a mastodon.”

TROLL: “Lol. Wrong.”

OBLIVIOUS: *posts same reply as 4 previous replies*

Venom movie pitch meeting- “let’s make a movie about a dark, brooding Spider-Man like character, but make it really suck.”

Lions carefully hide their kill under branches and leaves.

I quietly hide cupcakes inside a rat poison box in the garage.

Her: Why so spiteful and venomous?

Rattlesnake: Brenda, we’ve already been through this.

If you swallow a rattlesnake whole, is it poisonous because I ate it or venomous because it’s biting my intestine?

give them no quarter! i need that for the arcade

How dare you block me and “censor” me from replying to you

dude at the adjacent urinal just peeked at my junk 3 times. i’m so back

Tyrannosaurus Sext: i wanna smack dat ass!

*Cries cuz he can't. Tries to put phone in pocket. Can't. Sexts another dinosaur. Cries.

Kentucky Jelly is excellent lube.

Bleaching my anus so that I’ll fit in at the next potluck.

Fossils are the real classic rock