Billhelm

how many apps do i have to flip through to see god

my bodies fight or flight response is always flight sometimes with a side of nausea

"Extra virgin," the bottle says.

Allegedly!

"Take the nastiest fruit you can find, squeeze it and bring me the scum off the top of the juice"

-Inventor of olive oil

First day as a babysitter
*checks scribbled notes*

Pit her or pat her.

“Do I... remove the pit? Or gently pat her like a peach?”

PITTER PATTER, I promised her

Ahh the pitter-patter of tiny feet

- pulls another leg off a millipede

[making another hole in my belt]

You are beautiful, no matter what they saaay

If you can smell red wine after orgasm you are having a post-nut claretty moment.

I haven’t been the same since I walked in on my parents having sex.

Mom thought it was pretty amazing that I could walk while having sex, though.

I realised that every version of me think it's the final draft. I haven't been the same since

There once was a little old lady in a shoe,
Rent-controlled, with a Bay view.
Now it’s worth $3.8 million, and an AI startup offered to live in the crawlspace.

what impresses me is not only could she live in a shoe, but she managed to have numerous children there, too.

I make sure what little I contribute to public discourse is absolutely useless

the old lady who lived in a shoe just loved her manolo blahniks so much she decided they were home

I haven’t been the same since I found out that owning your own home was the adult equivalent to being grounded.

A yellow ninja turtle that says: don’t have a cowabunga

Who called it a smoking lounge and not a cigarage?

Him: Have a cigar. They were rolled on the thighs of a beautiful Cuban woman.

Me [coughing]: I think she used her feet to make mine.

Why stop at company mergers? Billionaires could merge too. Instead of three guys, there could be just a BeZuckerMusk

But this is my emotional support heating pad

the most authoritarian of King Arthur's knights was Sir Veillance

the problem with teaching kids the importance of sharing is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

my french buddy dropped a bomb in my bathroom and now i'm owed a toilette.

you can take a bath in any liquid. they can't stop you

don't forget there's only 42 more shopping days before toyotathon

the tumble setting on a dryer can be used to make cement but only once

My stripper name would be WYSIWYG

keep this line open for jokes
or emergency situations only