me: did you know garbanzo beans are a diuretic? but only for women.
wife:
me: yep. they make chicks pee.
wife:
27.02.2026 17:22 —
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if i was making hell, the ambient sound would be a perpetually honking flock of 10000 canada geese
27.02.2026 15:57 —
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thanks to capitalism we have too many chandeliers to swing from and not enough gallows
25.02.2026 23:49 —
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Paramount won their bid for Warner Brothers by promising to make exciting new shows like “Real Housewives of Duluth” and “How I Passed My Drivers Test”
27.02.2026 16:09 —
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it's not enough to charge $1000 for a new phone they also have to give it the texture of an ice cube so you have to spend another $60 on a case.
27.02.2026 14:48 —
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I’m a self-appointed self-appointer
27.02.2026 15:51 —
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bsky.app/profile/kais...
26.02.2026 21:50 —
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this is like being in a nuts hell, in a nutshell
26.02.2026 21:26 —
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whats the emoji for "i read my own skeet and then giggled like homer simpson hearing the word titmouse"
26.02.2026 20:57 —
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“👃💩” is the official emoji combo
26.02.2026 21:47 —
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let's be honest when are we not phoning it in
I’m doing it right now
26.02.2026 20:25 —
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I don’t know why everyone here is chasing internet cloud, just build a server and self-host
20.03.2025 21:46 —
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boss said if i catch 22 fish i get a raise but if i catch more than 20 i’m fired
26.02.2026 09:54 —
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carbon monoxide is invisible AND odorless? 🥵🥵
25.02.2026 21:11 —
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Mine ass has seen the glory of the farting of the butt
25.02.2026 21:26 —
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if i was a giant primordial god i would simply eat the earth like it was a giant blueberry
25.02.2026 19:59 —
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illuminatty light
25.02.2026 19:05 —
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the state of the union will continue until morale improves
25.02.2026 19:41 —
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🎵I’m gonna swing from the chandelier
From the chandelier🎵
Because the floor is lava.
25.02.2026 16:15 —
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Chandelier would be a beautiful girl’s name. (Or a boys if you use a hard ch)
25.02.2026 15:02 —
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i can tell when tv shows use artificial cat meows because my cats are fluent and they roll their eyes
25.02.2026 04:37 —
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the democratic response to the state of the union should have just been whoopi goldberg saying “america you in danger girl”
25.02.2026 05:44 —
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i owe my minimalist aesthetic to my cats all surfaces stay empty or they become violently empty
25.02.2026 06:29 —
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if you die in real life then you die in real life probably for good if you believe the evidence
25.02.2026 09:59 —
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"I wish this wall looked like me"
- Inventor of the mirror
23.02.2026 21:18 —
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IKEA is just LEGO with consequences
21.02.2026 21:42 —
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if you use a teaspoon to stir coffee it is technically a coffeespoon why has no one said this
24.02.2026 14:57 —
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sorry if my posts haven’t been up to snuff lately. in my defense i only started posting by accident
24.02.2026 19:28 —
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full metal jorts
24.02.2026 00:16 —
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I'm not giving you the run around. It's a casual stroll around at best.
23.02.2026 17:15 —
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