Mick Twister

A royal now banished to Sandringham,
Who said other people were slandringham,
Is now an ex-Prince
Who failed to convince
King Charles Epstein hadn't been pandringham.

Oh the Grand Old Duke of York
He had twelve million quid
He gave it to someone he never met
For something he never did

Prince Andrew gives up royal titles including Duke of York after ‘discussion with king’ In statement released by Buckingham Palace, Andrew says he will give up titles and honours

A royal accustomed to splendour
Was told he would have to surrender
The title of Duke
By way of rebuke
For being a paedo-befriender.

www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2025...

Hi, if you're a Times subscriber you can sign up under My Newsletters in the My Account section of the top right menu

Why the Epstein case looms large in MAGA world A subset of Trump supporters are passionate about the case - and angry at the president.

A list by a prominent paedo
Of others who shared his libido,
Which his former best
Buddy hyped, then suppressed,
Torpedoed the Trump-Maga credo.

www.bbc.com/news/article...

Bangor Cathedral had 'binge drinking culture' at diocese Priests and choristers at a crisis-hit cathedral did a "seven last shots of Christ" drinking game.

The clerics of Bangor in Wales
Collectively went off the rails,
The spirit within
These priests being gin,
Prosecco and copious ales.

www.bbc.com/news/article...

Cheers Phil. Ferryboat Inn, now that scans nicely!

Two buddies shared love man to man,
As much as two straight fellows can,
But Musk's in a K-Hole
And Trump is an a-hole
So now the shit's hitting the fan.

It is now!

Man in Norway wakes to find huge container ship in garden Johan Helberg says he was

A fellow named Johan from Norway,
Who lived rather close to the shoreway,
Declared: "Beg your pardon,
Your ship's in my garden,
And damn near got stuck in my doorway!"

www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Thanks. Not sure "shoreway" is a word but it does the job!

Man in Norway wakes to find huge container ship in garden Johan Helberg says he was

A fellow named Johan from Norway,
Who lived rather close to the shoreway,
Declared: "Beg your pardon,
Your ship's in my garden,
And damn near got stuck in my doorway!"

www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Wild chimpanzees filmed by scientists bonding over alcoholic fruit Footage of apes consuming fermented breadfruit leads researchers to ask if it may shed light on origins of human feasting

West African chimps in the mist
Apparently cannot resist
A fruit that's fermented -
What makes them contented
Is sitting around getting pissed.

www.theguardian.com/science/2025...

And done!

World's first sperm race in Los Angeles brings male fertility into public spotlight | - The Times of India Science News: Sperm Racing, a startup founded by young entrepreneurs, is set to host the world's first sperm race in Los Angeles on April 25. This unique event aims

A livestreamed fertility chase
Has top seeds competing for pace:
Which spermatazoa
Swim faster or slower -
It's who not comes first in this race.

(Thanks to @johnthejack

www.thetimes.com/us/news-toda... (£)

timesofindia.indiatimes.com/science/worl...

Hey, welcome back!

A Maga merch seller from China
Dismissed the Trump tariffs as minor:
His fans won't think twice,
Whatever the price,
They'll pay it in South Carolina.

Trump imposes tariffs on uninhabited Heard and McDonald Islands near Antarctica Australian prime minister surprised after remote external territories – including islands home to penguins – targeted by US president

The faraway islands of
Heard,
To whom Trump's announcement referred,
Face tariffs, they say,
Because one fine day
A penguin flipped Donald the bird.

www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025...

Quakers condemn Met Police raid as six arrested in Westminster meeting house Youth Demand said their members were planning non-violent protests in April when they were arrested in a Quaker meeting house

A force meant to tackle lawbreakers
Considers extreme troublemakers
Those secret consumers
Of breadsticks and hummus,
The dastardly Westminster Quakers.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crim...

Trump stands by national security adviser Mike Waltz despite disclosure of military plans, saying he’s ‘learned a lesson’ Trump said that even though the editor of The Atlantic was inadvertently added to a private chat about military plans, his presence had “no impact” on the military strikes in Yemen.

A high-up Republican chap
Mis-shared on a messaging app;
Despite Trump and Waltz
Dismissing his faults,
The dogs in the street know that's crap.

www.nbcnews.com/politics/whi...

A full lecture theatre at Magdalen College, Oxford. Graphic on big screen says: A CONFERENCE CELEBRATING LITERATURE + WORD PUZZLES in grey, yellow and green boxes in the style of a Wordle game. The conference organisers Roddy Howland Jackson (Quince) and Simon Horobin are on stage introducing the day.

Dennis Duncan and Paula Clarke Bain sitting by a wood-panelled wall in Magdalen College Dining Hall.

A group of cryptic crossword setters and solvers in Magdalen College Dining Hall: Josh (Iguess), Paula (Pixie), Jennifer (Guinevere), Rachel (Angel) and Matt.

Lecture theatre showing the communally set Platypus crossword on the big screen being solved live by Simon Anthony and Mark Goodliffe from Cracking The Cryptic.

Word ↔ Puzzles conference was AMAZING! Great cryptic and literary crowd, top speakers inc.
@johnfinnemore.bsky.social
@susiedent.com
@alanconnor.bsky.social
@djbduncan.bsky.social
@ecclescrosswords.bsky.social
and glad to set a Pixie clue in the Platypus crossword: mycrossword.co.uk/cryptic/2336

The "Business as Usual" sign didn't help.

Faecal Attraction

Alton Towers’ new toxic waste-themed ride briefly closes due to sewage leak The Toxicator closed for about an hour on its first day after a burst pipe flooded the area nearby with sewage

A theme park announced with some pride
Its new toxic effluent ride;
Alas the attraction
Was put out of action
When actual sewage was spied.

www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2025...

SpaceX rocket explodes, raining debris from sky for second time in a row It grounded flights in Orlando, Miami and Palm Beach after debris concerns from Starship's failed launch.

Are Trump, and his Maga alliance,
Excessively placing reliance
On Elon, whose pockets
Are deep, but whose spaceships
Explode? Well, it's not rocket science!

www.bbc.com/news/article...

Ukraine ‘gambling with world war three’, Trump tells Zelenskyy in fiery meeting Meeting between US president and Ukrainian leader degenerated into shouting match before being cut short

There was an old bully named Trump,
Who got in a terrible grump,
When Mr Zelensky
Caused major offensky
By simply not kissing his rump.

www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025...

Guizhou: Chinese foodies pose as mourners to try funeral home's noodles The noodle dish, provided only to mourners, has gone viral on Chinese social media.

A funeral parlour in China
Is everyone's favourite diner
As oodles and oodles
Of folks taste their noodles
And swear there's no restaurant finer.

www.bbc.com/news/article...

Russia won't accept Nato troops in Ukraine, Lavrov says after talks with US The meeting was the first time since Russia's full-scale invasion of Ukraine that Russian and American delegations are known to have met face-to-face.

America opened discussions
On war in Ukraine with the Russians;
While Marco says howdy
To Sergei in Saudi,
Volodymyr fears repercussions.

www.bbc.com/news/article...

Andrew Gwynne: Labour health minister sacked over WhatsApp messages Gwynne apologises for the "badly misjudged" messages and is suspended as a Labour party member.

The member for Gorton and Denton
Was sacked over messages sent on
WhatsApp that were snide,
Career suicide
Apparently what he was bent on.

www.bbc.com/news/article...

Gwynedd: Fart selfies used to harass woman's partner's ex Woman gets a 12-month community order for sending a series of videos of herself on passing wind.

A woman whose man had departed
Did not sit around brokenhearted;
Instead what she did
Is WhatsApp a vid
Or two of her bum as she farted.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...