Malc Seventyfour

There are three things in life you can be sure of.
Death, Taxes and a Penalty to Rangers.

I understand that the ribs are the focal point here, but seven chips and a sixteenth of a cob of corn is taking the absolute piss.

I am a TV detective who lives on a small island. In spite of the fact someone is slaughtered every week I have never, not once, uttered the phrase “blimey, there are a lot of murders around here, aren’t there?”

Listen to me talk bollocks about old games! It’ll be fun and informative! (maybe).

I’ve just verified my age by telling Bluesky I’m off to Fine Fare for some groceries.

Looking a bit rough these days, but I still have my Y-2 Prince Henry Vauxhall in the box.
My one is dated 1973 though, so an earlier production run.

Did you at least get a badge, though? I had letters or tips printed 3 times and didn’t get a single badge from the useless buggers.
Yes, I am still bitter.

Right…
Now to explain things to my wife.

Funnily enough, I only played the original after I played the second one and didn’t enjoy it as much!
The marsh rats in II could really play havoc with your game, though.

*cough* Rebelstar II is, of course, absolutely brilliant and is actually one of the best games YS ever put on a cover tape.

Good to see that the live scores section of the BBC Sports app is behaving totally normally…

Waterfall slo-mo.

Giving Head Over Heels 89% and Blinky’s Scary School 90% is one hell of a hill to die on, Mr Roberts.

A Titus game on the ZX Spectrum was, most likely, one, maybe two bored blokes who were told “get this done in a month or else”.
I’d be very surprised if management even bothered to load up the finished product to see if it worked.

The “End Screen” of Dick Tracy on the ZX Spectrum is literally the word “Congratulations” flashed up on the screen. The game then freezes, meaning you would have to reset your machine and reload it to be able to play it again. You wouldn’t want to play it again.

I just finished Dick Tracy on the Speccy so you don’t have to. The game is so bad that when you beat it, it literally stops working and you have to reset your Speccy.
Obviously the programmer knew perfectly well the utter shite they were spewing out.
Titus, eh?

They spent all the budget on the jaunty little title tune and then had no money left to pay an actual competent programmer.

Ooof! I remember the Cisco Heat demo in YS. Talk about persuading people not to buy your game.

Yes, I think you did, and it seems completely inexplicable to me that they didn’t try to do something with the old code. Even just using the (far superior) rolling road routine.
The game is *so bad*. I mean, I was expecting it to be not good, but everything to do with it is absolutely dreadful.

Chase HQ II obviously. Chase HQ is great, just in case anyone was wondering if I’d lost my mind.

I’m chasing a hearse in this level apparently.
Chase HQ is terrible, but I’m going to give it 73% because I’m terrified Ocean will pull their advertising from the mag if I give it a crap score.

Chase HQ II on the ZX Spectrum, showing your car (which looks crap), another car in the middle distance (which looks crap), some lamp-posts (which look crap), and some mountains in the distance (which look crap). Not pictured is the music, which is crap.

The graphics are atrocious. Honestly, why couldn’t they just use most of the assets from the original game?
Your car sprite looks like a bourbon biscuit, and the other cars are made up of about seven pixels each.
And HOLY SHIT the music!

Ahahahah! You know the great title music on the original Speccy version of Chase HQ? And the animated title screens?
What you get here is a static screen and some “music” that sounds like some bored seven year old plonking away at a Bontempi organ.
It’s *bad*.

The loading screen of Chase HQ II on the ZX Spectrum. It… doesn’t look very nice.

I don’t believe I’ve ever really given this one a serious go before. Let’s see what it’s really like…

I think Lokomotiv Traktor Faktory have just beaten FC Soñoran Cactus Farmers 11-2 in front of 839 baffled Georgians in Atlanta.

Would be interested to know how they were getting away with claiming to be the best selling Speccy mag. They weren’t just adding the Crash and SU circulation figures together from before the merger, surely?
Also, that’s hands-down one of the worst covers I’ve ever seen.

The Red Hand Gang!

…and then they bring you the rest of your chips on another plate, right?
…
Right?

A series of pictures showing what you can apparently do with your new vacuum sealer, including dry, moist, sous vide, camping, beloved pets and, er, “Rodsters”.

Er, so are they recommending that I vacuum-seal my cat?
Also, wasn’t Rodster Del Boy’s brother?

I had that very same Cadbury’s piggy bank. It was great fun for the five minutes that the chocolate lasted and then nothing but a piece of cheap plastic tat until it was thrown out years later.