Yikes is my catchphrase

Me: *beating a dead horse* "This horse sucks at checkers lol"

Weigh my options in this economy

I may not be totally put together but at least I’ve never lost just one shoe in the middle of the road.

My superpower is giving you the middle finger using my eyes only.

I might be annoying but at least I’ll never have a Substack

i love when i get an email from a brand saying “we miss you!” with no coupon attached. babe, a lot of people miss me. Let's be competitive here

A screenshot of Uber, showing options for Uber X, carpool, or “walking buddy.” And someone says underneath it, “Keep your eye open for a 1994 white Kevin… he should arrive in 3 minutes.”

“A 1994 white Kevin” 🤣

Struggling with cramps and therefore also my will to live

It’s called Good Friday cause they killed that Jesus fuck

God gave me permanent under eye bags because he knew I’d be too powerful without them

Kinda glad we eat clams. Why are they happier than me

First date idea we text our exes

Picture of SpongeBob standing with his eyes closed and smiling in front of two large speakers that are blasting music

When you find a new song to obsess over and listen to exclusively for the next 10 days

The city that never sleeps? How about the city that at least appreciates a good nap

Running into people from high school and asking if they got shorter

Happy and proud to announce that I’ve been off Hinge for a whole year! (I’m not in a relationship)

Bro last night was a crashing economy

Bro last night was a stolen election

Just got an email from my dentist, Smart Mouth Dental, for “SMD medical history forms.” They might not wanna go by their acronym

Might fuck around and wear platform sandals this season. Idc if I’m towering over you, I’m embracing Amazonian vibes all summer 2025

If I was a tornado I would simply strike on the first Tuesday of the month at 10 am

Giving up going to mass for lent

Your honor I plead the fourth, the fifth, the minor falls, the major lifts

Just saw someone on the streets of Chicago do a leprechaun heel click and that’s the energy I’m approaching this week with

talking stage: 3 months
healing stage: 3 years

Posting a moody Taylor Swift song to my story about this

EXPLORER 1: what should we name this new land we found

EXPLORER 2: how bout Newfoundland

EXPLORER 1: damn that’s fucken good

Doing some spring cleaning (blocking people who no longer serve me)

cause of death: second hand cringe

Someone found out I go to the same gym as them so now I have to quit