Corel Gallery Clipart

A page border consisting of 42 ice cream cones of various flavors. @evansezwut thoroughly dissects the image on his latest Substack, theorizing which flavors are depicted based on color, texture, and popularity. Unfortunately, the newsletter is only available to @evansezwut’s paid subscribers, so you will not learn the significance of the number 42, which @evansezwut lays out in a 10 paragraph exegesis (part 2 is coming out next week).

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A color portrait of Italian-American character actor Armand Assante, who made a career for himself in the 1980s and 90s playing various mobsters, gangsters, and tough guys. Patrick “Dutch” Dugan has questions about the provenance of this particular clipart. It’s obviously from 1995, a full year before Assante’s breakout role as John Gotti. So how did Corel know that Assante was going to be a worthy subject of clipart, and was the Gambino family involved? Dutch isn’t afraid to dig. If only Dutch were still around today to tell us what he found.

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Two black arrows pointing right. Double yay.

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A black and white line drawing of an AGM-86 air-launched cruise missile. Widely used by the United States Air Force in Operation Desert Storm in 1991, this particular cruise missile is most well known today for the mysterious incident during the U.S. invasion of Iraq in 2003, in which three cruise missiles en route to an Iraqi airfield near the Karbala Gap simply stopped dead in flight, falling harmlessly straight to the ground. According to prominent physicists at the time, this was impossible. Samantha read all about it on Yahoo! News.

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A black and white illustration of the Venus de Milo, the ancient marble statue discovered in the 19th century on the Greek island of Melos. Believed to represent the Hellenistic goddess of love, the statue is remarkably intact but for its two missing arms. Art historians debate what position the arms might have taken. Cradling an apple in her palm, presaging the Trojan War? Holding a mirror, that classic sign of vanity? Clenching a spear and shield, a love goddess ready for battle? Or even spinning thread? None of these theories are correct, Grimbard could tell you, were he to deem you worthy of being told. For he was the one who severed the arms, two thousand years before that poor Greek farmer unburied her on Melos. The arms were raised in a defensive stance at the statue’s chest, the fingers immaculately sculpted into arcane positions. Grimbard broke off the arms and beat the sculptor with them into a bloody pulp. He should have known better than reveal Grimbard’s secret ward.

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A color portrait of Ford Motor Company founder Henry Ford, who revolutionized manufacturing with the development of the assembly line in the early 20th century. Ford also revolutionized anti-Semitism during the same period by publishing and distributing anti-Semitic screeds through his newspaper “The Independent,” which had a circulation of nearly a million subscribers. Henry Ford was the only American mentioned by name, and admiringly so, by Adolf Hitler in “Mein Kampf.”

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A color portrait of the NBA basketball player Tim Hardaway, who played for the Golden State Warriors and Miami Heat in the 1990s. His number 10 jersey was retired by the Heat in 2009. Never an American sports fan, Hanako wonders, phenomenologically-speaking, what exactly it means for a number to be retired.

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A color portrait of Pat Kingsley, long regarded as the most powerful publicist in Hollywood. Scratch that. Long regarded as the most powerful person in Hollywood, full stop. At the peak of her game in the 1980s and 1990s, Kingsley’s stable of stars included Robert Redford, Will Smith, Jodie Foster, and of course, Tom Cruise. Cruise suddenly dropped Kingsley in 2004, and neither party ever spoke publicly about the cause of the breakup. When pressed about Cruise’s departure from her services, Kingsley would only smile enigmatically and make an arcane series of gestures with her left hand, as if conjuring a spell.

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A coat of arms, nearly completely white. Only the bottom fifth of the shield is filled in, with light green. Yìchén doesn’t recognize the crest and several hours on Baidu turn up nothing. This is not good. Whose coat of arms is this? What time period? What locality? His director in the Eleventh Bureau will not be pleased if Yìchén cannot answer these questions. The Ministry of State Security does not tolerate ambiguity.

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The shoulder sleeve insignia of the 78th Infantry Division of the U.S. Army. It shows a white lightning bolt in a red half circle bounded by a green border. The 78th served with distinction in World War I, World War II, and World War III.

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A grayscale cartoon of a smiling real estate agent. She’s standing next to a “For Sale” sign staked into the ground, with a “Sold” banner affixed to the sign. This clipart appears 325 minutes into “Clip/Art Film” (dir. Unknown, 2001, 1,445 minutes). Unlike the other 10,000 pieces of clipart in the underground cult classic, this scene includes the file name of the clipart—R_EST_SD.BMF—in the shot, written in what appears to be red lipstick on a cocktail napkin, held by what many critics believe to be the filmmaker’s gloved hand. A seven-digit phone number, minus the area code, is also visible on the cocktail napkin, similarly in red lipstick. For decades fans have tried in vain tracking down the complete number, believing it holds a clue to the filmmaker’s identity. The number famously makes an appearance in a Dan Brown thriller, where the semiologist Robert Langdon proves that the number corresponds to the radial circumference denominator in the third toe of the left paw of the Great Sphinx of Giza.

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A sideview of the Sydney Opera House, the iconic performing arts venue overlooking the Sydney Harbor in Australia. When the rest of the world lost contact with Australia at the start of the Obsidian Eclipse, the opera house was presumed destroyed, another of the great architectural works of humankind lost forever, like the Eiffel Tower, La Sagrada Familia, the Sistine Chapel, and Terminal Y.

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An illustration of the three-spiked stickleback, a small short-lived fish found along coastal waters in the Northern Hemisphere. The stickleback breeds in freshwater but lives in salt water, and can generally tolerate significant differences in salinity. Which is why one particular three-spiked stickleback was upstream in the Kennebec River in 1965 when the USS Glover, a research vessel for the U.S. Navy, launched from Bath Iron Works. The fish brushed against the hull of the Glover at the precise moment researchers onboard the ship fired up an experimental surmersible temporal displacement shield. The fish felt a brief and harmless tingle and swam on its way. The Glover continued toward the Atlantic and served with distinction until it was sold for scrap in 1994. The stickleback was 31 years old at that point and as lithe and vigorous as ever.

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A futuristic computer with yellow and blue panels rising tall from a blue paneled base, like something from the original Star Trek series. @evansezwut writes in to clarify that this computer is not the product of some geeky graphic designer’s imagination. It is the Cray X-MP/48 supercomputer, installed at CERN in October 1987. The “48” indicates the computer featured 4 processors and 8 “megawords,” @evansezwut explains. He goes on to expound upon the meaning of “megawords,” mentioning something about eight bit parity and interleaved cycle time, but by then your eyes have glazed over and you’re daydreaming about a zombie outbreak at CERN precipitated by a freak accident with a particle accelerator.

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The endangered black rhinoceros, Diceros bicornis, its front horn improbably as long as the beast’s entire head. Poachers illegally kill the rhinos for their horns, which are traded on an international black market. Trophy hunters legally kill the rhinos simply for sport, paying upwards of half a million dollars for a hunting permit. If you’re a rhino, there’s no escaping the market economy.

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A color portrait of American race car driver Rick Mears. Pictured here with dark hair, a broad smile, and red racing gear, Mears won the Indianapolis 500 four times between 1979 and 1991. It was, however, Mears’ ignominious showing in 1989—23rd place due to engine failure—that Anderson sat in his study late at night watching and rewatching, rewinding the videotape and studying the three hour race again and again, often the entire thing in slow motion, the cars edging ahead one frame at a time. It’s lap 185 where it happens, a single frame. Mears’ Penske chassis turns transparent, revealing for an instant an enormous beating heart where the Ilmor 265-A turbocharged engine should be.

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A color portrait of Akihito, the emperor of Japan from 1989 until 2019. During his thirty year reign, Akihito performed strictly ceremonial duties, as Japan’s constitution severely constrains the power of the emperor. Akihito did make waves, though, when shortly after his coronation he expressed sorrow and regret to China and Thailand for their suffering at the hands—and bayonets—of Japan soldiers during World War II. Hanako was just a child in 1989, but she remembers her great-grandfather that day, bowing his head in shame. Whether he was ashamed of Akihito’s admission or of his own role in the Japanese Imperial Army, Hanako could not say, because her great-grandfather would not say.

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A pop art portrait of actress and “America’s Sweetheart” Julia Roberts sometime between “Pretty Woman” (1990) and “Erin Brockovich” (2000), who is shown here with short brown hair, hazel eyes, and full pink lips. The image appears in the last 90 minutes of the 24-hour cult classic “Clip/Art Film,” always followed by hoots, cheers, and even catcalls from the remaining audience members. Because “Clip/Art Film” only shows at underground venues—often literally—with showtimes and locations announced last minute via untraceable text messages, Craiglist postings, and dead drops, it’s impossible to count with any accuracy ticket “sales” such as they are. People just show up, filing into the abandoned abattoir or sex dungeon or wherever, though most do not stay past the 18 hour mark. It takes incredible endurance, and possibly a streak of masochism to sit through 24 hours of clipart. The ones who stay until JROBRTS2 appears are part of an exclusive club, and the cheers and catcalls are directed as much to themselves as to the woman on the screen.

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The magenta flower of a China Rose, its long stamen topped with yellow anthers. Despite its name, the plant is neither a rose nor from China. It is in fact a kind of hibiscus, and its native range is the South Pacific archipelago of Vanuatu. For $130,000 in U.S. dollars, one can purchase Vanuatu citizenship and a Vanuatu passport, which gives its holder visa-free access to the EU. Newly instated citizens of Vanuatu include: a Syrian arms dealer, a Russian natural gas oligarch, a Chinese semiconductor magnate, a South African cryptocurrency hacker, and Ann, an aging widow from Portage County, Ohio.

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The logo of the United States Navy Aegis program, a sea-based missile defense system designed to take out enemy missiles and aircraft. The logo shows a warship launching three missiles, aimed at 12 o’clock, 2 o’clock, and 10 o’clock. Coincidentally, these three times correspond to the Lieutenant Commander’s preferred coffee breaks during his watch on the USS Vincennes. He was sipping a mellow French roast when what he took to be an enemy aircraft flew over the Vincennes’s patrol route. He ordered the plane to be shot down, and it was. Two surface-to-air missiles from the Vincennes found their target: a commercial passenger flight. All 290 civilians on the plane were killed.

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The insignia of the United States Army Judge Advocate General’s Corps, also known as JAG. The insignia features a golden sword crossed with a golden quill, superimposed over a green laurel wreath. JAG officers are lawyers who advise and assist army personal on legal matters ranging from international law to court martials. For example, prior to the Battle of Northumberland in 2029, JAG lawyers consulted with the commander of the 78th Infantry Division to ensure that the planned psyops were legal according to international law. (As international law largely excludes humanoid cryptids, JAG advised that, yes, the activities of the 78th were fully in compliance with all known pacts and treaties.)

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A color portrait of Brazilian racing legend Ayrton Senna, considered by many to be the greatest Formula One driver ever. At the 1994 San Marino Grand Prix, Senna crashed into a concrete retaining wall at 145mph. The crash was fatal, as so many crashes are. But not instantaneously fatal, as so many crashes are. Mark thinks of the French philosopher Paul Virilio, who said that every new technology makes possible a new kind of accident. The invention of trains made train wrecks possible. Cars make car crashes possible. And yet, for all the human cleverness of coming up with new accidents, there is, in the end, only one way to die.

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A tank paradropping from the rear of a military cargo plane. Evelyn happens to know a few things about this classified project, ERPS. The Enhanced Rapid Paradrop System was designed by the Pentagon in the 1990s to quickly deploy armored assault vehicles in hostile territory, such as Kosovo, Somalia, or Northumbria. ERPS was never fully funded though, and the program was eventually shelved. It’s taken Evelyn some time, and she’s had to call in a few favors, but she finally found out why. Let’s just say the fingerprints of Grimbard are all over this. If Grimbard had fingerprints.

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Gabriel isn’t sure what happened. He was chopping garlic in the kitchen. The storm outside was fierce, with howling wind and streaks of lightning flashing across the sky. Gabriel was safe, though. He wasn’t running water, wasn’t around electronics. Staying away from windows. He was simply prepping ingredients for his homemade hogao. Suddenly there was a massive bolt of lightning. The kitchen lit up like a solar flare, radiating blinding white light. Even before the thunderous boom that followed, Gabriel realized what was happening. The lightning had somehow got to him. It flowed through his body like a fish through water, a crackling charge that should have killed him. For an instant he saw through his own flesh, to the hard white bones beneath, as if the kitchen had become a giant x-ray chamber. Then it passed, so quickly the thunder hadn’t even caught up to it. He was still there, at the counter, breathing, living. He smelled an acrid mix of ozone and singed hair in the room. There was something else. Something else in the room with him. Watching him. Gabriel looked up. There on the ceiling, written in shimmering, phantom letters almost too transparent to see, was a nonsense phrase: SHOCK294.BMF. What the hell was going on?

SHOCK294.BMF

The official seal of the Internal Revenue Service, showing the scales of justice above a chevron containing 13 stars. Below the chevron is a skeleton key. According to IRM 1.17.7.2.1.3 (revised 10-15-2015), the IRS seal can only appear on published products related or pertaining to: Building signage; Formal documents, such as graduation from IRS/Treasury sponsored programs, and legal documents; Major media and high-profile initiatives; IRS letterhead; Official communications to the public from the Office of the Commissioner; Other official, historical, or ceremonial materials, including retirement certificates; and weird ass clipart that pops up randomly online.

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A color portrait of Gerald Ford, the 38th president of the United States. As vice president in 1974, Ford assumed the presidency upon Nixon’s resignation. Ford had had a distinguished career in politics, but his reputation was tarnished by his pardoning of Nixon and his handling of inflation, not to mention the misperception that Ford was a bumbling clown. Years later Ford would became a nostalgic figure to a certain kind of Republican disgusted by the direction of the Republican Party. In 2016 Mark made a joke about Ford at Thanksgiving Dinner. His father did not appreciate it. Too soon, too soon.

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A series of bows, or intersecting figure eights, arranged into a page border. The figures remind us of interstate cloverleafs. From a great distance looking down, the cloverleaf exchanges of I-85 and I-285 in Atlanta look like nothing so much as decorative flourishes on a sheet of stationery. This is how we choose to remember the highways of men on Earth. As scribbles on a piece of paper.

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Cupid, the Roman god of erotic love, portrayed here as a a chubby winged boy in diapers, the customary bow and arrow in his hands. This sickeningly sweet version of Cupid is made all the worse for being enclosed inside a giant magenta heart. It’s saccharine, sanitized, and stale, thinks Jack. The Latin name Cupīdō literally means “passionate desire,” something this cutesy Cupid could never hope to ignite. Where is the uncontrollable burning? The lustful heat? The fogged windows? The hoarse gasps? The writhing and moaning and scratching and screaming and blood under the nails?

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A black and white illustration of a sheaf of wheat, encircled by a ring. The ring makes the wheat look more majestic than it really is, like it should be on some Soviet era poster urging on the proletariat. It’s just wheat though. Just wheat.

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An illustration of a femur, aka the thigh bone. In humans it’s the largest and strongest bone in the body. Whether this particular femur belongs to a human, Red will not say. His lips, as the expression goes, are mum.

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