Goke (Go - Key)

I don't have time to be petty, so I set aside time.

Whenever I tell people I’m from Texas, they think I grew up out in the country, like I was wrangling wild cattle or collecting nightcrawlers in a coffee can. But I actually grew up in the suburbs, and the wildest thing I ever wrangled was a shopping cart with a squeaky wheel at Target.

Dating me is like dating a smart-looking dumb person who tells a story like a 16 year old bragging about that one time they and their friends bought condoms from a sketchy gas station vending machine. It’s all this awkward build-up for a story that never really lands the way they think it will.

Only in Texas can you play ding-dong ditch and end up in an episode of Dateline. Like, I thought the worst that could happen was getting chased with a garden hose. Turns out the real risk is someone treating a doorbell prank like it’s the Alamo.

Wearing glasses to look intelligent is like wearing a neck brace to look more responsible.

I read that a guy from China built a fully working subway station for his cats. Which is amazing, because now they can ignore rush hour delays and him.

Actors on a press tour always say, “He (it’s often a he) has a vision, his world-building is amazing.” Sure. Everyone says that. Spielberg, Nolan, the guy who directed Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. All visionaries.

I love when guys on Reddit post, “Check out this geeky collectible my girlfriend bought me.’” Brother, the only person who bought you that was your credit card company. Don’t drag an imaginary woman into this.

A British restaurant is launching the UK's first water menu with sparkling bottles served in wine glasses. It’s like, “Want the Highland waterfall or dramatic alpine finish?” Because there’s nothing more haute cuisine than paying 19 bucks for something you can get for free if you just install a tap.

So many film podcasts are like, “This scene’s awesome, this scene’s badass.” And I’m like, okay, but if I wanted that, I could just read the YouTube comments under the trailer.

True crime podcasts love to say “they’re fucking monsters” which is podcast code for “I have no interest in understanding why this happened, but I do want you to know I’m better than them.”

I thought I had a Jim and Pam thing going at my last job. Then Pam called me in for a meeting. Long story short, she still has a job.

Being single in your 30s is just rotating through the same four dating apps like you’re flipping through a sad little Rolodex of disappointment.

I want a prestige limited series about the woman in a Nancy Meyers movie who folds blankets for a living and somehow lives in a $5 million beach house.

Modern dating is just scrolling past a thousand red flags and thinking, “Well, at least he spelled ‘your’ correctly.”

[quoting a tweet by fractalcounty that reads, “today I learned that there are actual people irl who get genuinely upset if they catch you using chatgpt. like they view it as a serious moral failing in certain circles”]

If you're using AI to write essays, eulogies, a text to your wife, I do think less of you as a person. Ceding your mental and creative abilities to a machine is an embarrassing thing and people should be ashamed to admit doing it in public.

toxic masculinity at its finest

Having a crush on someone in HR is risky business — one day you’re planning a coffee date, the next, they’re handing you a box for your desk stuff! Guess I was hoping for a date, but all I got was a pink slip!

@esthertainment.bsky.social that goes without saying 😌

Social media is such a strange place. One moment you’re seeing posts about the atrocities committed by this current administration, and the next, you see someone enthusiastically posting about their book on hot dogs. Why the hell am I here?

No joke today, but I want to shout out one of the funniest people I've come across in the world wide web —  the Greta Gerwig-loving, amnesiac, Krakhozian historian, and lover of all things "boird" @esthertainment.bsky.social

They say with God all things are possible… but I didn’t think that included a rerun of the Trump presidency.

Only in Texas do you see a man steering with one hand and drinking a brown-bagged beer in the other. Call it open carry, but for drinks.

Give it a few more years and JK Rowling’s gonna be like, “Look, I’m just saying that Voldemort had a point about blood purity.”

Some people get inspirational quotes tattooed. Some get flowers, or Chinese characters they don’t fully understand. But my man here? He got p < 0.05 inked on his arm — says it’s the only time anything in his life was truly significant.

You know how rideshares have tiers now — like Standard, Priority? What if there was a tier that was just… some guy. No car. He just walks with you. Carries your stuff. Maybe tells you you’re doing great.

Time: 3:45 PM

Scenario:
Co-Worker I find incredibly attractive: Hello, how are you?
Me: Good morning
Me (thinking): Nailed it. Truly, the Shakespeare of small talk.

Have you ever noticed true crime shows always say the same generic bland thing about the victims? “This is Jessica. She loved life. Waterskied. Maintained many positive friendships.” If I go missing, they’ll be like: “This is Goke. He loved salty snacks and mainted a vague online presence”

You know a joke really lands when the only person who likes it is a self-described crystal witch. Now that folks is cosmic validation.