Samantha Markum

told myself I would be better about eating breakfast BEFORE coffee and then got lightheaded standing over the toaster. how have I even survived this long??

omg yes!! and then you try to explain and they're like "we're dogs, we have no idea what you're saying"

happy shock yourself touching any surface all day long for the next 4 months season

this joke is for the elders

my clock the second I say "wow I've been working forever, it must be 5pm by now":

aesthetic instagram brands will be like CYBER MONDAY UP TO 70% OFF and you click it like a fool to see their organic cotton 3-pair sock bundles have been discounted from $90 to $75

thank you for this validation!!

the day I got my notes back costar said not to rush things so I THINK I have to listen to the stars on this one

me after revising two paragraphs: do I deserve a little treat?

sat down with every intention of working on revisions but my eyes are so heavy and I'm already on the couch and oh no now I'm cozy under a blanket and 💤

they don't want to make it easy on us for some reason!

actually I'm begging

I'm just a girl
standing in front of a manuscript
asking it to revise itself

whitney would probably put these in an uncrustable to make it somehow even worse

there simply were not enough people laughing in the theater during gladiator 2

today my dental hygienist asked me if I'm a tongue thruster and I had to really... take a moment... to understand what was being asked exactly

how I feel fixing something myself because my landlord took too long

the 2 bags of beaver nuggets will last about 2 hours

we’re down to “black jeans are probably fine” and “I think a white dress might be fine with a cardigan” and “why is it sixty degrees in november” send help

I have a funeral tomorrow and I don’t have anything to wear that’s sufficiently formal but also dark but also not too overdressed and I just keep calling my mom asking if my next outfit idea is going to make people think I’m trying to make the funeral all about me

the public needs the group chat takes

me watching the blues

is the sun even coming up at this point or is it just dark 24 hours a day now

starting copy edits on a book I love so much, I’m worried I’ll get too wrapped up in rereading these idiots in (secret) love that I’ll forget to pay attention to the changes lol

I am here (to exclusively worry that I can't waste my best jokes on social media when I get such a limited amount and must save them for my books and then worry that I don't post enough on social media because I have nothing funny to say lol)