Jess Liotta 🍄

screwball flag from Daffy Duck's ass, Duck Amuck (1953)

if THIS FLAG OFFENDS YOU
I'LL HELP YOU PACK

A picture of the dashboard controls showing 50000 miles exactly on the odometer and a range of 69 miles (nice)

Something incredible happened in Amanita the camper van today

I’ve washed my hands twice now and still: maple AF

A screencap of my candy cap shortbread recipe. INGREDIENTS 17 grams dried candy caps 226 grams butter, softened, plus extra for saute 198 grams sugar 1 egg 0.5 tsp vanilla extract 300 grams flour, sifted 0.25 tsp salt 50 grams toasted pecans, chopped INSTRUCTIONS 1. Rehydrate dried mushrooms for 20 minutes in just enough warm water to cover. Wring out excess liquid, pat dry with paper towel, very finely chop, and sauté several minutes with a nob of butter over medium heat. 2. Cream together butter and sugar. Beat in egg and vanilla. Slowly add flour and salt while stirring, then chopped nuts and sautéed candy caps. 3. Roll cookie dough into three logs, each about 1 1/2 inches in diameter, using plastic wrap and a sushi rolling mat if you have one. Wrap logs tightly in plastic wrap and refrigerate, or freeze for another day. 4. Pre-heat oven to 325 degrees. Slice cookies about 1/4 inch thick and place on cookie sheet lined with parchment paper. Sprinkle with a little flaky salt. Bake for 8 - 10 minutes until bottoms of cookies are just barely golden brown.

Little mushroom shaped shortbread cookies cooling on a tray and on a rack

My xmas tradition includes candy cap shortbread - my buddy 3d printed me a mushroom mold last year but little round logs work too. They're unbelievable!

I also love making candy cap creme anglaise, which is superb poured over poached pears, gingerbread cake, or pretty much anything else lol

We sometimes sip it straight, but honestly a candy cap old fashioned REALLY hits the spot! If I'm cooking with it I usually infuse into fat like butter or heavy cream, depending on what I'm making.

25 minutes ago I put a handful of dried candy caps in a jar to steep with bourbon and my hands STILL smell like maple syrup. What incredible little mushrooms

I am in Portland and I did my world market stocking stuffer run today :D

I am definitely stealing this

I begin stashing stocking stuffers in like August, I'm usually responsible for 10 of them (12 if you count pets) and I love it. It is an art!

More things:

🎄 Seed packs for gardeners
🎄 Novelty socks in special interest designs
🎄 Their favorite pen/pencil type
🎄 Glasses cleaning cloths
🎄 Tinned fish

Oh and a few years ago, every adult got a couple of retractable mini box cutter tools. You can buy in bulk for like .25/each and I have them stashed in every junk drawer around our house, they're SO fuckin useful

More than 5, but:

🎄 Sharpies!
🎄 Disposable cameras / photos developed from last year's Xmas cameras
🎄 Lottery scratch-off tickets AND A QUARTER
🎄 Japanese import kit kats
🎄 At least one very stupid small toy
🎄 A water bottle suitable sticker related to a special interest
🎄 Cat toys for cat owners

I simply hate it when tens of thousands of predatory pinnipeds gorge on my local salmon

Every year is different in terms of intensity, but between the mountains and the coast we often have a lot happening from September through January, with some to be found the whole rest of the year too!

people, you have the chance to put my book ahead of Olivia Nuzzi’s on the bestseller list. put aside all other considerations and think how objectively funny this would be. #1, that Mountain Goats guy. #2, Antivax Man Has My Heart. funniest list of the century. We can do this if we try

My experience was, running the meeting was easy peasy, but note taking? Absolutely damn impossible. (I did often have to do it by spending the entire hour pacing around the table in a giant circle behind my seated staff while periodically balancing a baby on my head like a plane but, needs must)

It did the same to me the other week and when literally just pressing cmd-shift instantly fixed it (after days of me losing my mind), I somehow wanted to throw my computer even MORE

😒😒😒

Cut rate pillsbury canned crescent rolls ass bread

In Longview we all said -eye

Epic dragon cheeseboard by Katie, incredibly detailed and attractive

A counter with copious wild greens, hobbit mushroom cauldrons, smoked suckling pig, Hot Pie hand pies, redwall abbey chestnut scones, chutney, roast veg salad, Samwise taters

A plate of all the foods described

A MONSTER CAKE from breath of the wild, gluten free chocolate ube with ube condensed milk jam filling

Also the rest was pretty good too

A whole slow smoked fall apart tender suckling pig on a tray

That was SOME PIG

A whole pig on a tray, snoot to snout with caper the silken windhound

The suckling pig on the smoker with an apple in its mouth

It’s FANTASY FEAST day here at the Mushroom Kingdom and we’re off to a strong start (photos of entire suckling pig prepped for the smoker hidden)

THE CHRISTMAS CARD BIRDS ARE REAL!!!

Introduce yourself with five animals you’ve seen in the wild (NOT found in my bioregion)

Indian flying fox
Galapagos penguin
Coatimundi
Italian wall lizard
Northern cardinal (I saw one for the first time in my late 20’s in Central Park and lost my shit, it was like seeing a unicorn)

Introduce yourself with five animals you’ve seen in the wild (native to/found in my bioregion)

American black bear
North American porcupine
Humpback whale
Short-tailed weasel
Golden eagle

Leave little Saruman alone.

Oh SHIT yeah a MILLION thanks to @thryn.bsky.social for executing on the prepped casserole while we were dealing with a pet related Situation, massively essential A++++ pinch hitting

Also, Caper one hundred percent instigated the mud lake expedition, and led all those other dogs in the dog park into it as well while all their owners (and me!) simultaneously shouted no, dammit, stop, omg, jesus christ etc. lolololol oops

All the described foods on trays or in dishes on a kitchen island photographed from above

Chanterelle green bean casserole, smoked turkey AND roasted turkey, sweet potatoes two ways, cheesy corn casserole, GF porcini stuffing, bacon mash potato casserole, smoked turkey legs, cranberry sauce, gravy, fresh rolls, gluten-y crispy onions (for green beans). All by me except sweet potatoes. 😁

Caper the silvery silken windhound sprinting in the dirty dog park with two larger white dogs behind him

Caper the silvery silken windhound leading three other dogs directly into the biggest mud lake at the dog park

Caper the silvery silken windhound running at three other dogs into the biggest mud lake at the dog park

Caper soaking wet looking sad as hell in the bathtub

Sowing, fucking around / reaping, finding out