nero / lawrence

What’s really disappointing to me is, this is what I expected from Roblox. I’ve been on Roblox for 14 years, and after everything I’ve seen, everything I’ve witnessed, this is exactly how I expected them to react.

I have problems

I finally told him my feelings. Nothings changing. Thank god. I didnt want to be in a relationship I just wanted to like get it off my chest yk. Its not reciprocated but idc. Its just hurt so much to keep it to myself

I fumbled this morning btw I went to tell him and immediately chickened out

I forgot until now that people gave up on me in 2020. Like, they outright told me they did.

-that I KNOW probably isn’t true even if it feels true. But it’s really hard to keep up with hiding it and sometimes I feel like I NEED to ask them if they’re gonna leave, and I feel like by asking them that, I suddenly come across as if I don’t trust them. And I don’t want them to think that. :(

Like, no matter how much they all tell me they love me and that they’re not mad at me, I make one mistake or even notice a slight change in any of my friends behaviours and I immediately think they’re gonna leave. I try very hard to internalise this because I don’t want to act poorly over something-

I’m having one of those weeks where I’m struggling to draw but I’m also having one of those weeks where I feel like I’m burdening my friends because of my BPD and the way it makes me feel, and it sucks

Music affects my brain heavily. I find it so interesting how it does that, it’s like it really triggers your memories. It makes me think abt how people with dementia can remember things if they’re listening to a certain song because it brings them back to that time. The human brain is fascinating.

-times in my life, like traumatic times. If I want to feel good, I listen to songs I listened to during really good parts of my life, like october 2023 when I did my big trip. It not only makes my mood better but it also brings me back to that time, not even in a bad way. It just does

Also, I dont know about anyone else but if I listen to a certain song, it brings me into a certain mental state and either brings my mood up or down. Like. I can deliberately drastically change my mood by listening to specific songs. If I need to feel bad, I listen to songs I listened to during bad-

It sucks cuz I love the cold I love the rain I love everything about winter. But like, I have had so much trauma during winter. It makes it really hard to enjoy it when now my brain associates it with that trauma yk

The closer we get to winter ending the less depressed I feel

Referring to this person not my ex obviously she can go fuck herself

It’s kind of painful. Especially because I just want us to be close friends like we always have been, but my heart has other plans and no matter how much I try to ignore it it never goes away. Eugh

And I remember when 14 yo me thought I wasn’t capable of experiencing romantic feelings. Always thought my feelings for my ex were me misunderstanding myself because again, I thought I wasn’t capable of it. I was so very wrong

I never knew that love could be so sickening and. Depressing

It’s literally just a game?.. 😭 How is it hurting others for you to not want to buy it? Like, why are they getting mad at you over that it’s such a small thing it’s not even a big deal. You’re totally allowrd to express that, people are just weird and sensitive af

hes been frontstuck for months dude who wants to bet that he ends up frontstuck again

i killed lawrence guys (he’s no longer in front (it’s me remiel))

In australia yes, you do

I walked out of that room with a genuine smile on my face that I couldn’t wipe off. I was quite depressed yesterday, up until that moment. I couldn’t stop smiling for the next hour. I was so happy. Staying alive for another 6 years despite everything was so damn worth it

I was too scared to bring up my dysphoria to my psychiatrist yesterday. Anyways he somehow knew that I wanted to talk about it and asked me about it. I’ve been diagnosed with gender dysphoria which means I can now get testosterone. 14 yo me would be ecstatic right now. And I AM ecstatic

I made my friends cry and worry about me, and that made me feel awful, because I don’t want that for them. But they love me and care about me, and I love them and care about them. Sometimes my mind becomes so clouded and I end up convincing myself that I’m driving them away. This proved I’m wrong.

-depression is fucking terrible. This bullshit started when I was 6, and I can outright say no 6 year old ever deserves that. No 6 year old deserves to grow up into their 20s still feeling this way.

As an update, I went to an urgent mental health facility because I was having a crisis that could’ve ended horribly. I’m feeling better now. The fact that I haven’t gone there in 3 years just shows how bad it’s gotten. I shouldn’t keep it to myself either, I feel really bad about it. All I know is-

I said here how I was getting better, and that I’m not in such a dark place like I was in 2020, but now I’ve gone backwards in a matter of weeks. I don’t know what to do.

I’m mad at myself, it feels like I jinxed it

I remember drawing a ladybug at like 3 years old, before that I think I still did draw but it was all scribbles

like i said, casimir being straight (he’s not straight hes bi but shhhh)

one word. Larry

Literally the girl Casimir is in love with. My friends oc

A wip of Casimir being straight again and these two