Virginia

When I was a kid and imagined what the future would be like, I never thought it would involve plugging in my couch.

I need a burger with so many toppings and sauces that I look like I’ve licked my way out of a dumpster when I’m done

I hope I die with dignity, because I certainly haven’t lived that way.

I don't like the person I become when I clean.

The movies had us convinced that every villain was clever and brilliant and cunning.

It turns out that stupid and hateful people are the most dangerous.

It’s not the heat…

It’s the stupidity.

I warned my cat about you

Watching wild pigs is boaring

I told my cat about you

Most people don't understand why I have a survival kit already packed.
I don't understand why anyone wouldn't have one.

Someone has to make inspirational posts. Not me but someone.

and to think that I woke up from a coma for this shit

my default response to anything is nap

*picking apart a blooming onion*

ME: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me...

Long story short, don't go into a ball pit after Taco Bell...

Not yet.

let’s call this one the Best Depression

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the banjo at home tomorrow

Life is the quicksand they warned us about as kids.

If you pretend that you're erasing evidence of a murder while cleaning the bathroom, you'll do a better job and it's more fun!

Medusa: *taking a selfie* goddammit!