Ennui Doofen

everyone stand back, i’m going to make dinner

Look Canada, I’m not looking to apply for citizenship yet but let the record show I have never listened to a Gordon Lightfoot song without openly weeping

i need a word for those situations when you’ve been asking someone to do their job until you can’t wait anymore and you finally just do it for them

then they call to tell you that the thing you need done is getting done, as if they’re handling it when you know it’s only getting done because of you

"Meet the new Boss! Same as the old Boss!"
- Roger Daltrey, after cloning Bruce Springsteen

posting about raccoons while 38,000 feet in the air. this is what my ancestors fought for.

People often tell me there’s a special place in hell for me and I just can’t wait to see the champagne room down there.

Experiencing
Technical difficulties
Won’t you please stand by?

- a broadcast network haiku

ARE YOU A TERRORIST, CHRIS? NO I AM A SAGITTARIUS. I PROMISE YOU THIS ISN'T EVEN THE STUPIDEST THING I AM GOING TO YELL AT YOU TODAY.

Putting my flesh eating bacteria in an envelope and marking it return to sender, before dropping it off in a mailbox on my way home.

Yes, yes your breasts are splendid but do you interpret Armageddon as a literal event or a symbolic progression of the world toward its inevitable end?

Freezer pretty much the only place I don't want frosting

launching a satellite solely to unlock the secrets of your shitposting

Love!

PEOPLE WHO HATE DOGS: "i was attacked by one as a kid", "it's really the owners, but my neighbors never take care of theirs and i have to hear it bark all day"

PEOPLE WHO HATE CATS: "it won't do what i tell it to do!", "it scratched me when i picked it up!", "it'll eat you if you're dead!"

The birds outside my window are holding a meeting about me. I can feel it.

Tarzhey? the place where i lol'd at my college roommate for paying 2025 prices on groceries back in 2017?

at my funeral, my casket is resting underneath a huge banner that says ‘he’s in flavortown now’

Ever take too many omegas and see all the colors at once, man?

*sensing a single loose hair somewhere on my body* I am superhuman

odin, a brown shar pei / lab mix, lying on a bed staring off to the left of frame. his neck rolls on full display and ears at attention. his front paws are out of frame but his arms are visible. the way he is positioned is hiding his back legs completing the seal look

the elusive north american land seal 🐕🖤

THE MRS: *setting up the chess board*

ME: oh i thought you said “do you wanna play CHEST”

THE MRS: …

ME: i thought i was gonna get to honk them bobos

laundromat for dirty dishes

I don't know who needs to hear this but if your car alarm has been going off outside my window for an hour could you please go fuck yourself immediately

This cat food says it's rich in turkey but I reckon it's just an exchange rate thing

Yeah, sorry i'm late - been trying to explain the concept of time to my cat

Everything’s gonna be fine as long as celebrities don’t start singing Imagine

going in a different direction today by swapping my normal messy bun for a low sleek ponytail and instead of calling everyone an asshole i shall refer to them as a rapscallion

when my pharmacy switches distributors and my meds come in a different color, I mix them in the old bottle to make forbidden skittles.

[at a spider wedding]

congratulations to the newlywebs

Acting mysterious when in reality I just lost my train of thought