Lucca Pucca

I don't necessarily understand the behavior atm. I usually try to figure it out, but this I didn't get. You tortured yourself snoozing people month to month for a whole year so far and only now you decide to say you can make your own opinions and see the news yourself? Okay cool. Just remove me wtf.

I just removed myself out of respect for her. Seriously I'm not sure why she didn't just do it herself. What possibly would keep you wanting to stay with me then when that's all I pretty much talk about besides memes and art (FB).

For me feeling like I am orphaned has helped. I am used to being abandoned and people not caring (that explains my rage & sadness). I just tell myself I have me, myself, and I + my partner.

Nah I am not seeking him out, but I dunno, perhaps I just want him to know I exist and that I haven't ever tried to find him because everyone kept me from it. Maybe you weren't a good person, but I can see you and my mother in me and all the good things that make me, me. I am not like my mum at all.

I can't get people to understand my choice because they see what they want to or what they feel is right. Anyone who chooses to be free chooses to not be tied down by the strings that come along with it.

It's my life to live. Not yours.

So when someone thinks they are going to manipulate me, they won't, even if its not meant to be. I learned a long time ago to be quiet and not give fuel. I learned to not over share though I still do sometimes. Like Gen Alpha my ass asks why I am being asked to do something if I can't read the room.

I didn't know what gaslighting was or the term. But I was fully aware of how to counter it considering it was done to me regularly. I started to pay attention to what I did or say. I paid attention to great detail to everything around me. I kept receipts. I started to record how I was spoken to.

From a young age I learned (as I grew up mostly on my own devices) I realized my mom would use words I didn't say to manipulate me and tell me oh yes you did, expecting me not to remember. I did. This happened more and more. I would fight and argue over it too because I knew she was lying.

So I got annoyed at "light gaslighting" with the expectation that my partner would relay the info.

I should note that out of the two of us neurodivergents I am the one with the memory no one I know has. I pretend to not know things on purpose. Its an act, but I do it to protect myself.

To be fair I am also not bogged down by the normalcies of the system or life. I was given freedom. She then got upset for the communications she thought I was getting, I was not because Marv is not a messenger. 🤷 My partner got them all and no he didn't tell me sorry. Marv was also at work. 🙄

I kind of just stood there taking her complaints but ignoring them because I understood they were frustrations but as an empath I was not accepting the energy or vibes and I can't relate to her in that matter because if it was my friend I would be there all day practically and also communicate.

She commented how she was stuck having to help her roommate and was complaining she had to spend time with her at the hospital when she has things to do. I literally told her that is fine, just communicate and let her know she will understand. Then continued to complain about it.

I think we live in an age of chaos. It feels like it too.

a close up of a woman smoking a cigarette with her eyes closed ALT: a close up of a woman smoking a cigarette with her eyes closed

*sighs* I just want some peace. I want no death not even of a weed. I am sick of hearing such negative dark shit all the time. Just let me go back to the creator already and restart because this is a shit show of humanity and I feel like everyone's darkness is taking over.

OH hell no. Loser can't get enough of me and his life is such shit he needs me to make it better again. No. Also my ex needs to stop pretending that coming around doesn't have anything to do with me because we all know that's a lie. I am part of Marv's life. You can't be there w/out me there too.

As an ambivert, I really need recharge time because as an empath spiritually some people drain the f out of me. And recently my toxic sa'er ex went snooping on my partners pages trying to get close to me again and followed his insta.

I know her wanting me to do things is a projection of herself wants. She's trying to get people to do things with her for whatever reason (she has friends knows all the nbrs and is deep in knowing many in the comm). Some of it is her own personal choice as it would be mine if I was lonely.

I recently made a giant friend group of people that all game together a bunch of different stuff. Lots of them are family that game together. They let Marv and I in so we been with them a lot for the past few months. I am not all that lonely anymore.

If I want to watch something Dark I will watch a horror movie bcause at least its not mimicking real life with war and shit.There is more to this too. Her thinking I am lonely yet I am gaming with friends online a lot. I will have my headset on talking to someone, and she thinks I am talking to her.

I'm here to complain but no, I do not want to watch these kind of awful story movies and shows you are watching (lots of death people doing bad things wild west etc). I want to watch K pop Demon Hunters. I want to watch light hearted happy shit. I watch romantic comedies.

When I grew up I was forced to do things because they were considered proper to do so (if you live in this house you need to come talk and be present sort of thing). But this was with family. Roommate is not my family and I do not owe anyone outside of my family my time and energy.

From what I noticed Rmmate gets hella upset when I don't want to spend time w/ her too and I want to do something else with my time (she's in her 60s and just wants to watch tv). She also thinks I am lonely. I am often having to remind myself I am not obligated to spend time with someone.

I am annoyed I am not respected in my boundaries. People wonder why I get defensive when I say no and it gets brought up again or something is a little different about it now that makes it a yes now. No I said no. You push that's why. NO.

I don't want to be responsible for something bad happens or if her car hits something or someone else does (its almost happened already) because she doesn't have insurance for those things honestly. I am not willing to f with that shit, I do not trust anything about the entire thing, so no.

She kept pushing me to do the market alone after her surgery by myself with her products, her car, holding on to her money, etc. I told her I was not comfortable with that and repeat the same thing every time she asks to reaffirm this boundary that I do not want to do this.

Note on pushing: She will repeat and keep asking the same thing of you or guilt trip you to get you to do things. Sorry I don't work that way. Villain era is not people pleasing.

I really wish people would listen when I say No thank you. No thank you is a full sentence. Look I am not mean but I can be, and sometimes I feel like even if someone asks me something that means well, get super defensive and upset with me because of my choice of not wanting to do it.

I'm sorry, time is money now, and the more time I am doing something that doesn't make money the more I lose out. I need space and time alone to make things, to then sell, and have a stock. If I don't have time to do that, to sew, to make things, I can get nowhere.

I am not dimming my light for those who can't handle it. Turn away if I am too bright. If I am too dim for your liking and you cannot see, then you need to find your own light rather then trying to light me or see mine.

I won't be denied what I want to celebrate being with my partner and sharing a celebration of love. I also want a traditional hand fasting from a pagan officiant. If that also makes people uncomfortable they can stay home still. I am a witch, worship and acknowledge many religions.