Matt Wright

McDonald’s should serve advil.

If I walk by a snow globe you better believe I'm gonna give it a little shake to see if it works.

Congrats to Pierre Dorion on bringing the Senators from "...we're a team?" to "we are a team".

There’s a small but important difference between “thanks so much for coming” and “thanks for coming so much”.

*walks into saloon*
I'm here to chew ass and kick gum and I'm all out of ass.
*killed in duel I did not realize I was in*

Was just looking through my drafts and saw “JIM HALPERT NFT?”

Genuine question. Do phone screens break less or did everyone I know get their shit together?

I would never give a restaurant a Michelin star if it did not have lucky plates.

I don’t want to see Blonde. I want to see a documentary about Mary who has the same size hands as Marilyn Monroe put her fingers in the implants.

I thought DVD stood for Dick Van Disc.

I thought that song was saying “It’s Reigning Men”. Not as “for the boys” as I thought.

Baby boomers sure love giving advice considering they haven't had a glass of water in their entire lives.

Kinda mean that they made dyslexic such a tricky word to spell.

I’m a fan of the NCU (Newfoundland Cinematic Universe). Codco. Eddie Coffey. The NTV news.

Why paddleboard when you could hover board?

Can you get a hangover from a person?

A few years ago, for some reason, EA Sports NHL had Snoop Dogg randomly do commentary. You’d be in game 7 of the Cup finals and Snoop Dogg himself would just hop in and be like “my favorite player is Wade Gretsby”.

People hate on door to door salesmen but I’d rather a few dudes trying to sell me vacuums than my phone trying to sell me therapy.

The NBA is like "this player spends his salary building hospitals in impoverished countries. The NHL is like "this guy just donated against access to abortion".

Just downloaded Shrek 2 on Kazaa! Does anyone know how to convert a .exe file to .mov?

If you think pieces are insufferable now, when I was in grade 10 I wrote a 3000 word review for the Garden State trailer.

People are like “my life is a movie” and the movie has no plot and a weak supporting cast.

One thing about memes is the ones that I don’t understand are not funny.

You know when you’re playing monopoly and it’s clearly over but the person winning wants to see out the game? That’s the economy right now.

Can’t beat diving into a pair of track pants after a stressful 8 minute shift in the comedy mines.

Go big AND go home. That's the real dream.

I am the first man of my bloodline to use a bidet.

A good slogan for hacky comedians would be “telling it like it was”.

People who say “you can’t measure heart” have never heard of an EKG.

(Justin Timberlake voice)
Did I have you naked watching better call Saul?