Grimking

I’m not into casual sex. Kindly submit a curriculum vitae.

Here are the Top 5 Dogs of the week!

Not trans.
Not a drag queen.
Not an undocumented immigrant.
Not a Democrat.
Not the liberal media.

A retail display box of kubaton keychain weapons with a sign that reads "NOT FOR YOUR BUTT $8."

you’re not the boss of me

I would like everything everywhere to stop getting worse all the time

This is Milo. He noticed you were packing for a trip. Wouldn't want you to forget the essentials. 12/10 (TT: mikrawrrrrr)

Texting your mom: “OMW!”

ME: what is a group of baby cats called

INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER: a litter of kittens

ME: and what is the stuff cats poop in called

INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER: kitty litt – my god

My water bottle with a built-in straw just ejaculated on me when I opened it. I guess I do the same when under pressure.

A friend of mine who lives in Austin saw this at a bar and said she had never been so offended by something she 100% agreed with.

[pulled over]

COP: you were going 55 in a 35 zone

ME: no i don’t like those numbers you’re fired get me a different cop

*steps over a pile of laundry* parkour

a copious amount of corn in a cornucopia

Congrats to Hulk Hogan for making it 7 days without using the N-word.

In Greece every floor is baklava.

I will no longer be crazy starting August 1st.

I just want to say “thank you” to the people who turned “Discovery Channel” into “Ghosts and Bigfoot” and “The Learning Channel” into “Granite Countertop Propaganda” for being a guiding light* for me as an owner of an educational media company.

*to run away from.

“You can’t avoid me forever...”

Me: Challenge accepted.

Boss: I hope you didn’t think about your job too much while you were on vacation

Me: I don’t even think about it while I’m here

ME: [plays one chord on harmonica]

MY BEBÉ: [starts crying]

ME: I’M STILL LEARNING 😭

💯

Love is all you need.

And a lobotomy.

“Better safe than sorry”

Are those the only choices?

How about “better safe than smelly” or “better safe than squishy”?

I’m feeling so lazy that I’d probably get the stitch from eating

Other women: looking sexy as they bite their lip seductively 
Me:

How to excel at being me: Book1

Woman blowing into a teapot for force the tea out of the spout into a cup

Interviewer: tell us about any specific skills you will bring to this role

Me:

A squirrel sis trapped in a bird feeder attached to the side of a railing, as another sits atop the railing.

“A little help here, Danny?”

When is a good time to introduce Old Bay in the bedroom?