Kit Ellery 🌈

I've been informed I'm unhinged at the moment. I don't know how to get rehinged. I imagine it involves metal tools and being hung from a doorframe. The idea has some appeal, but I decline at this time.

I've decided to be in a throuple with the mated squirrels that hang outside my window. The fluffy one violently chitters at me when I throw Apple Jacks at him. It reminds me of my father, and I've been told that's what women look for in a man.

Probably, after a disappointing encounter where the cursed object tries to suck out my life force (much like other people I've dated) I will go back to women. They're pretty and make adorable noises when you squish them.

I'm not dating women anymore. I no longer date men either. Really, I only want dinner and drinks with possessed objects or maybe those little cheese balls that come in a canister? They're very cute.

Scene: Loud, crowded bar, opposite sides of the pool table.

Characters: Me and girl I was teaching to play

Action: I crooked my finger to encourage her to come close so I could show her her shot.

Denouement: She immediately came over. I died of gay panic.

I didn't know it existed! Now I will.

And if you want them even closer intertwined: dark romance is divine.

As soon as Netflix makes a show with cake decorating AND crime, they will win the steaming world, I swear.

This is the dream.

"Mom, he's twelve. Despite my childhood, child labor is no longer legal." --from an actual conversation with my mom.

The highlight of digital books is that no one in the office can tell that as you eat lunch at your desk, you're reading about getting spanked.

Two roads diverged, and I stood there so fucking long I forgot where I was going.

If you like dark romance, be a good girl and give me a follow.

Borrow from SpongeBob and start every chapter with "10 days later..."

Don't kill your darlings--cut and paste them to let them die from lack of attention.

On one hand, I should pay attention to politics; as a citizen of a democracy I am responsible. On the other hand, they no longer have asylums where I can wear a long white dress and meander around acres of lawn while contemplating death, so it's not safe.

It's time to bring back female hysteria. If I'm going to lose all my rights, I at least want my doctor to prescribe me a vibrator.

Critics will tell you that #darkromance is shallow while they pen their 3rd screenplay about a middle-aged man obsessing over a young woman as a metaphor for man's search for meaning.

Yes, please

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What if you knew that just one day could change everything...so you chose to call in sick. You didn't save the world and get the girl, but you did some laundry, watched Agatha All Along, and you didn't have to deal with that asshole Steve at work. Pretty good for a Wednesday, yeah?