In From the Cold

or answer people. It's happened several times already and I feel really bad about it

Maybe I'm just not cut out for being this extroverted and being this social. But I know the risks of having only one friend group, if it goes down in flames then I'm back to square one

Sometimes I feel like I've spread myself too thin across friend groups and communities and it's becoming a net negative result

On one hand, I love having so many new people to talk to and hang out with

But on the other, my ADHD can only handle a number at a time before I start forgetting to reply-

back into the mines of feeling like my OC content is not up to expectations or that people don't care enough about it

tried on a long skirt for the very first time

... wow it is liberating

in other, better news

bf called me a woman offhandedly for the first time and it flipped a switch in my head so I'm glad to be affirmed about that

Thank you, that makes me happy to hear that despite the seldom moments I do interact with people. I will endeavour to do it more

I’m doing my best to work on it, but sometimes I forgor and I always feel awful about it

I appreciate that, really.

I’m terrible at reaching out, because I always feel as though I’m being annoying or that my intrusion is not at all good time. I have this habit where if I forget to reply for a day, I’ll just let it simmer and assume the other party dislikes me for not continuing

Hating how my social anxiety is getting in the way of connecting with people in the community. I wanna reach out more, collab more, be friends with more people, but I always doubt myself because I fear people don't like me or want anything to do with me, so I drive myself away first. I hate doing it

been stressing a lot lately, but no one is around during my nights so I struggle to find ways to occupy myself

what a terrible time to live on the opposite side of the planet from all my friends

Financial situation is not looking good folks

I’m not even good at anything creative to open commissions for anything, shit sucks

Maybe video content? Voice claims for people’s characters?

I might have to start streaming again just to open donations because holy geez the economy is in the shitter

I love the feeling of my content stagnating and my creative drive suffering for it

It feels like I have nothing new to give and I’m just churning out stuff for the sake of having some posted daily without much thought given about it

Maybe I’m too deep in the desire for people to see my work

One of those days where I feel like I don’t deserve love

Maybe I should be alone so I can’t disappoint anyone else, because it seems like even my best isn’t enough

I feel really bad when I miss a message for like a week, and then part of me is like “well maybe I don’t reply ever and they’ll just forget about me”

I’m sorry if I ever do that to you, I haven’t fully forgotten and I will reply. I’m bad at following up on messages, and I’m trying to be better

What do you do when you love someone dearly, but crave something they can’t give you

When trying to keep up your commitment starts to wear you down, but you still have unfulfilled promises

When you don’t want to leave and see them worse off, but each day you grow more and more tired

It’s a strange feeling

To know you’re loved, yet you don’t *feel* loved

To give all the affection and attention you can but receive very little in return, yet I’m the one not doing enough

I understand you didn’t grow up with physical affection at all, but… can’t you at least try for your partner?

I've found that I'm happier without labels altogether. I like what I like, even if there's a tag for it I don't think *I* need it. Especially with my flavor of bisexuality which is "65:35 ratio of woman:man preference", it'll take too long to list the details

Oh yeah, the lass in my pfp is Crystal. My first ever OC, and more or less my mascot outside of anything FFXIV related. She’s my pride and joy, my treasured dotter

I’ll be sure to do that if these thoughts pop up again (they will)

I guess the thing that’s been bothering me is that I never it any thought in my youth, nor did I really… come off as though it’d be the case for me?

I’ve never really been unhappy or dysphoric with the way I am now, but sometimes I feel like I can be… happier another way? Idk if that makes sense

Anyway, bed time. See how I feel in the new day.

or the safe environment to do so. But, when I do... Maybe then I'll figure out if it's just a phase or not.

It's too hot here for me to start experimenting with clothes and whatnot, but when the weather gets cooler here I wanna start trying like... fall/winter outfits, both male and female.
Trousers and coat one day, skirt and cardigan another. I've always been curious, but I've never had the confidence >

> me as the same person they've known me as for many years. My fears and doubts already weigh me down, and I start to worry if they'll echo those doubts back to me. I know the logical thing is "just tell them and if they disagree, fuck 'em" but it's not that easy for someone like me. >

> different clothes and simply presenting myself differently just for the feeling.

My whole online presence is anonymity and neutral, to let people perceive me in any way. Sometimes I wonder if I should bring that to reality too.
It's hard to bring up to those around me, though, because they know >

> that I began... questioning myself? And then the doubt plagues me of "why have you only started thinking about it now" "Are you having these thoughts just to fit in to those around you"

I'm not sure if I swing one way or the other in terms of gender, but I've always been curious about wearing >

11pm ramble time

Sometimes I wonder if I started wondering about my gender identity too late.
Prior to like, maybe a year or two ago I never gave it any thought whatsoever. I was who I was, I acted the way I looked, people expected that and would be correct about it

It wasn't until fairly recent >

If I've followed you and you're here, congrats I trust you enough to lay out my personal thoughts. May get serious or depresso at times, so don't check here too often.

As always, my Discord DMs are open to mutuals on any of my accounts, so come to me if you wanna talk about something.