ada juarez 🪐

where the #gays at

I hope whoever liberates us is very sexy.

Sitting in your car is pretty much the same thing as standing in the shower just like Warm. Nice. Alone. Quiet. Aaahhh.

Who named it [NOUN] and not [PUN MY UNCLE WOULD ADORE]

The government should deliver you a little cookie at the end of each night

if your apparel isn’t gay you can get the fuck outta my life

You know it's bad when your doctor is like, "I'm not sure if this is depression or if you are simply having appropriate emotional responses to an unending cavalcade of terrible events."

party tip: leave as soon as you get there.

I'm not religious but damn do I love a christian carol. "O Holy Night"? It is if someone's singing that song. "Fall on your knees" ??!! Already down here, buddy. You've knocked me out

friends, romans, cunts: listen up

I love when the subtitles tell you what kind of mood the music is evoking.

BREAKING: everything

Inside me are two wolves and they are somehow both orange cats

Rihanna had her boob signed by Mariah Carey at her concert last night:

“Mariah Carey is signing my t*t y’all.”

teaching my beloved son the true meaning of christmas (killing him)

mistle toe fetish

who up waning they gibbous

No one ever told me I’d spend so much time as an adult stressing over garbage day landing on a holiday

waiter: what would you like?

date: I’ll have a ravioli

me: I’ll also have some ravioli

waiter: two raviolis then?

me: no I want like 15

waiter:

date:

me: at least

Starter pack? Well, I would love to start with coffee and donuts, please.

me: you dim sum, you lose some

waiter (in chinese to other waiter): poison this man

i just finished baby proofing the apartment [rattles locks] no way they're getting back in

Before I got a phone I just used to stare at my hand all day

I just had a chocolate milk for the first time in I don’t know how long and I am straight-up giddy