yoel

I invented the term “Chef’s Hug” five minutes ago. when something is like pretty good. This 6.5/10 Spicy Tuna Onigiri is chefs hug

bushwick rules i’ve never heard an effeminate masc call a man “boss”

Overheard NYC but i made it up:

“So i’m going to milan next week and then paris and then SecondParis which is like a secret paris that only i can go to”

every little boy in the airport rn looks like the rizzler help

some of you mfs would stay in Omelas and it shows

tryna spend less, call me buyphobic

me to someone i hold dear, “You’re on thick ice, buddy!”

Surf n Turf but it’s me waterboaring a terf

CVS: “everything is locked up because you’re a filthy rat”
QFC : “show me your receipt or thin blue line tattoo or i’ll kill you”
trader joes: “please, fuck my wife”

outside of envelope: “open this or i’ll kill your family”
inside of envelope: “want a new credit card? 🥺”

face ID still recognizing me after a self care night ::::://////

whenever someone uses the phrase “opposite sex” i just assume it means when an avoidant and anxious person hookup

if i did dating apps my opening line would probably be “Rihanna should release a version of ‘Umbrella’ without the stupid Jay-Z intro”

you’re not gonna beleive this
-bluesky’d from my iPhone

yoel gets her first iPhone today
-bluesky'd from my android

the problem with Seattle is none of you cowards smoke Newports

pausing "The Royal Tenenbaums" to explain that Margot's (Gwyneth Paltrow) iconic Lacoste striped polo dress was a custom piece, as they had no such dress in their catalog at the time.

tried to pay cash at a small business and a 19 yr old shot me in the foot

beggars can't be choosers but I'm not a beggar so if you ride lime scooters you're OFF THE CUTIE LIST

'heart shaped box' but instead of a box it's a medium sized cheesecake and instead of of being locked inside it for weeks I ate the entire thing in one sitting..... HEY! WAIT!

thanks but I actually did have "table asking me if I'm autistic" on my bingo card

"Now boarding group E as in 'Ew yoel, you're eating a SECOND airport grab n go chicken caesar wrap?'"

At Airport: schmuck with Israeli flag on his luggage asks me if it is 746 AM or PM. I point to a window and say "figure it out"

1/X Cold Soup Season: Ajoblanco