ashe

if we mainly talk via discord im not gna be on there for the forseeable future, jsyk

deciding to uninstall it, hmu anywhere else i guess

evr since i got on prog i have been fucked up LMAO (almost exactly a month ago iirc)

ive never felt so 𝓼𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓵𝓮

this friday, 3/28

it feels like the only way out is to off myself, it's been feeling more and more like the only way forward without becoming even more disgusted with myself than i already am

there's just no way forward

so what's even the point? i can't do so much as look in a mirror without feeling like i'm going to die. i'm not functional as a human, and i probably won't be able to ever with the pace i'm at.

every other trans woman i know lives paycheck to paycheck, is constantly close to homelessness and can't ever come close to the surgeries that they'd want. it's a zero sum game. nothing about being a trans woman leaves you remotely human in the eyes of society.

even if there was, what's the point? even if i was the most beautiful trans person ever i would live under fear of the same hate i already face, be discriminated against in hiring, housing, everything else.

other trans people misgender me, even after i introduce myself. i haven't had a serious conversation with a human being face to face in months, i'm treated as some sort of disgusting monster even though i really do think i'm at least tolerable as a baseline human being?

i just feel so stuck and stagnant with myself and everything about my life for years and there's no way out- i can't help but feel jealous of other people ive seen who have even made any sort of progress

but im stuck being so naturally gross, even by the standards of a man i just don't fit- it feels like im stuck in the middle and nobody wants me anywhere around them...

(i really dont care about passing or blending into society and i want to do quite the opposite- i really just want to feel grounded with myself for once instead of having my day ruined everytime i have to talk to someone or look in a mirror)

people i know have transitioned so much more recently than me and they're amazing and beautiful- they're accepted by people around them so easily and it makes me so upset- i do everything in my power to make myself look at least tolerable

i havent changed in months and its so frustrating, i feel so stuck in my own skin and i would do anything to get out of this stupid fucking caricature of a woman im trying to be (and failing)

my doctors have kept me on the same dose for a year, my levels seem great according to them, but there's nothing anywhere, i just look like a man with the worlds smallest impression of a feminine figure

everything was supposed to be perfect for me- i've been on hormones for 2 years, transitioned earlier than most people, and was able to get my healthcare ensured before laws in my state banned it (i live in a deep red state). but nothing is changing at all

it feels like my life is over before its even supposed to begin

prog giving me that she/it type swag

did i handle this correctly

so so so so much love <3 especially to
@rhizonymph.com , @duckreconmajor.bsky.social , @xentack.bsky.social , @mp3neptune.bsky.social, @nihilore.com orion, @willohtree.com, sp4cek4a3n, coliquet and @infernalgold.bsky.social (so so sorry i cant find some of yalls handles- i still appreciate yall sm)

just picked up a laptop!!!

everyone got that 1 trans boy that ruined their life for a year

hour of cuddle time would fix me tonight

it works in context ure gna have to see

gotta clarify they're nic free i havent touched nic in like a year

big part of the visuals for the next project im working on is an hour video of me smoking a whole pack of cigarettes i dont even smoke but the aesthetic was on point for it

feeling shitty tonight

can't shake the feeling some days that everyone i know kinda hates having me around but needs me for something or other so tolerates me because of it

nvm prog is great feeling very girl today

if thatcherblackwood was a stoner would his name be thatcher backwood