Calamity Janie

Husband: They should make a sequel to Fight Club but instead they’re all zombies and it’s called Fright Club

I emailed the IT guy because my work laptop’s webcam was showing a black screen during a Teams meeting. Y’all, I had the privacy cover on.

My husband wants to take me to one of those haunted attractions where people jump out at you to see if it will cure my hiccups once and for all

What’s your costume?

Halloween is on a Friday. Is anyone celebrating that Saturday? I don’t think so, because that’s already November 1 and Halloween is over. Right?

I did a boomer thing and texted a google link instead of the actual website

I don’t know. Sometimes I think she’s a comedy genius

My sister has a melted lipstick in the center console of her car. Lol

I did the boomer thing and created a Facebook avatar.

Someone sent me plackers in the mail and I’m not sure if this is a joke or not

My instagram feed: how to look good with no makeup!

Person proceeds to put on makeup

I woke up at 5:00 a.m. this morning to go to the airport. I put my pants on backwards like Kris Kross and I didn’t notice until I went through TSA. I am so cool.

I miss real soap

My husband said he had an idea: a floating billiards table so you can play pool in the pool

I said “ow” when I clipped one of my toenails too short and my husband said “you need to stop when you get to the rind”

My husband received a robocall today and he yelled at them, “Are you a robot?” What’s your prime directive?” “Are you programmed to harm humans?” “What is the square root of pi?” “Sing me a song in Spanish!!”

It’s nice to finally be recognized

Today when I parked at the dentist I saw that my car’s mileage said “BOOOB”

Spider-man wouldn’t let him gobble 😔

My husband turned on his alarm clock for tomorrow and then he realized “oh sh*t I don’t have to turn on the alarm, today’s Friday”

Then he exclaimed, “false alarm!”

Husband: “How was your donut this morning?”

Me (feeling myself caught): “I don’t like this tracking app anymore!”

It’s nice to stretch in between cry sessions

I received three perfume samples with a recent purchase, and I told my husband that I think they all smell good.

He said, “Of course they’re all going to smell good, they’re not going to throw one in there that smells like farts”

*Watching a video of someone putting on a vintage dress*

Me: “I don’t know how my algorithm got so weird”

Husband: “Really? My algorithm is all about climate change.”

Me: “huh.”

Husband: “Oh wait I meant my Al Gore Rhythm”

Nice boat

*Husband gives me a sand dollar he found on the beach*
Me: “Wow, what can I buy with this sand dollar?”
Husband: “sand”
Me: “how much?”
Him: “a dollar’s worth”

Anyone else feel like their swim cap gives them evil eyebrows or is it just me

My husband says epsom salts are not snake oil because snake oil comes in a can

Getting really excited to celebrate Christmas in June on Saturday

I had a bra fitting. It took 5 minutes. I should have done this years ago.