Literally

The ides of March are coming if you need ideas about what to get your local emperor.

Just fingering grocery store sushi in the parking lot, same old same old.

He’s a cat, why the fuck does he hate any day of the week?

I eat healthy because I feel guilty for helping to bring life into the universe and they might need my help for several decades.

*burning it to the ground*

Him: feel better now?

Me: no, my hands are still cold

Me: Let me make this really important phone call.

Body: Let's do it with a weird bubble in your throat, yeah?

You'll know when I'm dead by the way I'm drooling 8% less than usual.

just mastered a potion that melts your insides and then it all slowly leaks out of every orifice leaving you just a pile of skin

Avengers assemble

*my Ikea furniture*

I just hope that the Pope gets his own talkshow someday, because I won't watch unless it's called Poperah.

I found a loophole in the Catholic system. I gave up lent for lent.

Shut the fuck up the Sesame Street pinball number video is on

Using Mark Wahlberg's prayer app to pray away all of his movies.

You can eat off my kitchen floors. Mostly because of the amount of food on them.

Whoever invented taffy, WHY?

*Me, standing in black turtleneck and black jeans at what appears to be an Apple event*

Remember that thing that used to take one push to achieve, we’ve now made it 3.

*Throngs of apple cultists absolutely lose their shit*

I got into a physical altercation with somebody who dissed Homer’s epic poems. I took a beating but you Odyssey the other guy.

Gummy bears now with real bear!

I just got a new phone. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Oh congratulations, Time magazine just named you Insidious Plague Upon the Earth of the Year.

telling alexa to remind me in 60 seconds why im going to another room so when i get there i get the reminder to remind me

Trump misspelled something once again.

What he meant was the Bored of Peace.

Limp dick, or as I like to call it: de-rection.

bras should have emergency exits

Fact: sperm whales call humans “jizz monkeys”

"I’m not going to start wars, I’m going to stop wars."

Donald Jackass Dump

I just checked to see if hip-hop is hyphenated. Uncool, old white lady badge - unlocked

Having sex with your best friend is also called Bestie-ality and it’s way more legal than the other kind.

For those that are interested, I found it.

If you were born due to a condom break, you're a botched redaction.