Literally

What’s the most annoying sound we could possibly use?

- Microsoft Teams marketing group

In a 5-4 decision SCOTUS rules that, unlike Texas, California cannot gerrymander its congressional district map because everyone there is like totally gay

(looking down at the wet spot on my pants) i made a pisstake

Hitler's moustache wasn't a moustache. He was just getting dirty sanchez'd all the time.

You know all you mofos would get an F if the health department inspected your kitchen.

Nikola Tesla sues from the grave: "Get my name off that damned car!".

Become a dermatologist so you can play whack-a-mole every day.

Maybe like philosopher’s ideas my shitposts are too esoteric for this…place

*wipes pizza grease off chin*

The G-Spot: the original "smash that like button."

I don't need ai I have a cluster of human brains in a vat of goo hardwired to a usb cable that plugs into my compaq presario

The store is playing St. Patrick’s Day music already 🤮

Hey hotel I just checked into.

WTF BRUH

My one wish before I die is that people stop talking about whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas Movie.

you’re like the wind beneath my wings if i had wings and you were windy

Prehistoric food safety was basically like: smush first, then eat

Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much.

What the fuck is an "F" bomb?

Police: What are the neighbors' names again? The couple next door?

Me: Pollux and Castor.

Police: Not the dogs, the people.

Me: Why the fuck would I know that?

Paleontologists recently unearthed the largest tibia ever recorded.

It was quite the shindig.

If this insane weather is keeping my neighbor from deploying the giant inflatable Santa that looks into my bedroom I say let it snow

they can all be bangers if you people would just lower your standards

My trainer: you need to eat more than a banana for breakfast

Me: but I’m still burping banana...oh wait…is that how you know I had banana for breakfast

why wouldn’t you want a monkey on your back that sounds delightful

Just passed out and my life flashed before my eyes and wow that was an awful lot of mayonnaise.

This may in fact be the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed

Taking out my pack of Big League Chew, grabbing a large pinch of shredded, dry bubble gun and stuffing it into my mouth all manly like.

“Play your cards right and there’s a bubble in your future little darlin’…”

The fact that the Oxford English Dictionary picked "rage bait" as the 2025 Word of the Year is rage bait in itself.

"don we now our gay apparel?"

i mean. every day i wear the same kinda clothes and they're all pretty gay.

"Im still punk" I say as I rub Aspercreme on my ass

I have a joke about Narcissus, but I’d be seriously dating myself

SpaghettiOs in a jello mold with hot dogs stuffed in the center. It's very unattractive and unappetizing.

I aim to get uninvited from all future Rooster Thanksgivings by showing up with this next year: