Literally

Cancel food aid for Trump by closing down all the McDonald's.

Caught in a conversation you want out of?

Just whip out your bagpipes and start wailing.

How many ghost peppers must I eat before I can walk through walls?

Theory: all the different types of medications in our water supply will all cancel each other out and have us feeling pretty good.

spiders have 2 times the appendages as the average person. befriending one ensures helping hands all around. so anyone who says that they’re afraid of spiders is simply afraid of efficiency

huh. i didn’t know serial killers were afraid of car horns.

Many say they want the hooba, and then complain about the stank.

I weigh myself fully naked.

If you don't like it, you can go to a different Publix.

The urge to sing "the lion sleeps tonight" is only ever a whim away.

I was okay until someone asked me if I was okay which caused me to think about if I was okay and now I'm not okay.

Photo credit Sashi Suseshi

Mein Kunt

I stopped using: 1 yr ago- Meta-Instagram,Facebook,Threads,WhatsApp
Amazon
Walmart
Target
Fuck Oligarchs✊

clothing: hand wash only

me tossing it into the washing machine: may the odds be ever in your favor

A remake of Casper, the Friendly Ghost, in which we find out his parents were anti-vaxxers.

Right?! THE HORRORRRR!!!

HEROIN ADDICT MCWORM-BRAIN! Pinkojoe.COM

Sorry Johnny Flapjack, you're focusing on the wrong point entirely. Who the fuck cares who funded it.

Time is a great healer, but a lousy beautician..

A picture of a 3-pack of Pepto Bismol sitting on a table and in front of it is 3 pairs of reading glasses.

Welcome to your 50's, here's a starter pack.

alien xenomorph holding out hands in an expressive manor

me explaining why i need 1 more piece of pie

A sex toy you can roll up when you’re done is an armadildo

Maybe it's Maybelline, maybe it's gas.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I just farted

God only opened that window because you closed the door, and he'd just farted.

You don’t scare me. I used to hold the flashlight for my dad

If everyone knew how brutally sadistic reindeer games are, the nature of that song would drastically change.

You can’t speak to me that way, I’m an Executive Member at Costco! 😡

Holy shit, the full on military raid of that apartment building in Chicago is insane. EVERYONE should be protesting this shit. Terrorize a whole apartment building, including kids in the middle of the night, and they failed at their goals. Unconscionable.

American generals: You can't make us clap our hands.

Fitz & The Tantrums: Hold my beer.