Literally ummliterally - Bluesky Statics

Avengers assemble

*my Ikea furniture*

02.03.2026 00:42 — 👍 15 🔁 6 💬 0 📌 0

I just hope that the Pope gets his own talkshow someday, because I won't watch unless it's called Poperah.

01.03.2026 20:29 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

I found a loophole in the Catholic system. I gave up lent for lent.

01.03.2026 20:28 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

Shut the fuck up the Sesame Street pinball number video is on

01.03.2026 16:29 — 👍 276 🔁 79 💬 12 📌 2

Using Mark Wahlberg's prayer app to pray away all of his movies.

01.03.2026 20:23 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

You can eat off my kitchen floors. Mostly because of the amount of food on them.

01.03.2026 20:12 — 👍 63 🔁 19 💬 2 📌 0

Whoever invented taffy, WHY?

01.03.2026 20:09 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

*Me, standing in black turtleneck and black jeans at what appears to be an Apple event*

Remember that thing that used to take one push to achieve, we’ve now made it 3.

*Throngs of apple cultists absolutely lose their shit*

26.02.2026 18:50 — 👍 4 🔁 2 💬 0 📌 0

I got into a physical altercation with somebody who dissed Homer’s epic poems. I took a beating but you Odyssey the other guy.

01.03.2026 14:59 — 👍 102 🔁 34 💬 9 📌 1

Gummy bears now with real bear!

01.03.2026 14:46 — 👍 76 🔁 42 💬 5 📌 0

I just got a new phone. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

27.02.2026 19:15 — 👍 39 🔁 9 💬 1 📌 0

Oh congratulations, Time magazine just named you Insidious Plague Upon the Earth of the Year.

28.02.2026 16:29 — 👍 143 🔁 29 💬 7 📌 1

telling alexa to remind me in 60 seconds why im going to another room so when i get there i get the reminder to remind me

28.02.2026 15:02 — 👍 16 🔁 7 💬 1 📌 0

Trump misspelled something once again.

What he meant was the Bored of Peace.

28.02.2026 16:07 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

Limp dick, or as I like to call it: de-rection.

28.02.2026 15:39 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

bras should have emergency exits

22.02.2026 06:43 — 👍 244 🔁 77 💬 22 📌 4

Fact: sperm whales call humans “jizz monkeys”

27.02.2026 16:40 — 👍 112 🔁 46 💬 0 📌 0

"I’m not going to start wars, I’m going to stop wars."

Donald Jackass Dump

28.02.2026 15:21 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

I just checked to see if hip-hop is hyphenated. Uncool, old white lady badge - unlocked

27.02.2026 03:13 — 👍 11 🔁 4 💬 0 📌 0

Having sex with your best friend is also called Bestie-ality and it’s way more legal than the other kind.

27.02.2026 01:06 — 👍 101 🔁 33 💬 5 📌 0

For those that are interested, I found it.

24.02.2026 15:02 — 👍 17 🔁 3 💬 2 📌 0

If you were born due to a condom break, you're a botched redaction.

26.02.2026 14:23 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

Logging into the website to confront my enemies but it’s just my bank account again.

26.02.2026 14:03 — 👍 5 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0

Meat People meet people

26.02.2026 13:41 — 👍 38 🔁 12 💬 5 📌 4

*accepting my Oscar

...and I'd like to thank the 2% of my followers who reskeet me in return.

26.02.2026 14:16 — 👍 6 🔁 3 💬 0 📌 0

I am Flava Flav's arch nemesis, Blandy Bland.

26.02.2026 14:10 — 👍 11 🔁 4 💬 0 📌 0

The Transformers were created in 1984. One of those giant robots must have gotten stuck with turning into a Betamax player.

26.02.2026 11:41 — 👍 13 🔁 3 💬 3 📌 0

"Take 10,000 paces, turn and fire"

*sniper duel*

26.02.2026 02:53 — 👍 2 🔁 2 💬 0 📌 0

4 cats...and something...riding through space in a canoe

My bedroom at 2am

26.02.2026 06:29 — 👍 35 🔁 8 💬 3 📌 0

I tried on my swim shorts from last year and I’m not going to swim anymore I guess

25.02.2026 07:56 — 👍 169 🔁 43 💬 6 📌 0

Posts by Literally (@ummliterally.bsky.social)