Koreydior

No smoothie could ever justify the amount of work it takes to clean a blender.

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

my favorite childhood memory is when bills didn't have my name on them

I don't think coffee even wakes me up anymore, I just like the idea of having coffee.

Why are we stopping at daylight savings?! Ban 6am. Make it always Friday. Go nuts.

You're not impressing anyone, server who didn't write down our orders. You're just making us anxious.

i love studying history because it's nice reading about people who overcame a lifetime of difficulties against all odds. it's very relatable to me, a person who has to make a phone call tomorrow afternoon

i'd rather clean the whole house than do the dishes

Me: [having panic attack]

My Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

as soon as one month ends another begins. no break. they are relentless

Airplanes be like, 'Prepare for landing,' and then stay in the sky for another 45 minutes..

Age 10: I'm going to be a rockstar

Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday

Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me

Garage sales are too expensive now because they're like "eBay says it's this price" and i'm like, "but we're not on eBay we're in your yard"

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life's challenges

we're living in increasingly unfergalicious times

The best antidepressant on the market is bread

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter

Every millennial's fav game: trying to figure out how your friends afford their lifestyle

Whenever a pilot is like "we'll make up some time in the air" I'm like how does that work. Do you just push the gas pedal really really hard

I don't care if Michael Myers lives. I care that he laughs and loves.

i like to do the irish hello which is where you don't even show up to the party.

Getting in the gym is definitely the hard part because that 'post-workout' gratitude after showing up for yourself feels so good.

I really want to live off the grid but I also really like getting my packages in two days.

Sorry if I seem anxious l've been paying attention

The inventor of Pop Rocks:

Sugar is not good enough, it also needs to detonate.

Why did we name it Parmesan cheese and not spaghetti confetti?! It's like we don't even try anymore.

John 8:12

"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

I was assigned male at birth and identify as a man, but according to the back of the Kraft mac and cheese box I'm a family of four

Thinking about how my college friend was nicknamed "Burgers" cause one time he talked about grilling burgers too enthusiastically. You have to be careful