Doctor Butt, M.D. 👨🏻‍⚕️

I am 100% certain that hiring a very tiny man with a very tiny power washer to clean out the inside of my ears would fix me

I’m at the Applebees in Petaluma and my episode of Americas Most Wanted came on the tv and everyone is cheering and buying me drinks

Any word on the brave villagers who strung an anchor chain across his front door and lured him out of his house with a roasting ox

Trying to get a hunting license specifically for those disgusting toilet paper bears.

Here he comes
Here comes Paul Reiser
He’s an actor who’s real

Dating apps are terrible because sometimes you’ll be browsing and see someone that looks promising, but then there’s a picture of them with their partner who looks like he took third place at the racism championships

The whole endeavor was scrapped due to Roland Emmerich’s Independence Day being a smash hit, and worries about brand confusion between productions.

The film culminated with America declaring war and the US Army invading Halloweentown, where the citizens fought back by scaring the soldiers and unleashing Oogie Boogie against the General in command of the attack.

After the success of Nightmare Before Christmas, there were plans for a sequel “The Nightmare Before Independence Day” where Jack Skellington hijacks the Fourth of July.

He called back and asked if there was another scary movie that’s my favorite and I told him I also like Night of the Demon (1957) and he yelled “Fuck!” and hung up

Ghost Face called me on the phone and asked me what my favorite scary movie is and I said The Changeling and now he’s scouring antique shops for a turn of the century wooden wheelchair to kill me with

I loved this so much that I added visual

“I’m on a juice cleanse.” I say before taking another drink from my gallon jug of blue Hawaiian Punch

My life has once again been ruined by the gang of roving theater kids who have started doing a production of “Come From Away” in the mail room of my building

Giving the city of St. Louis a bad Yelp review because they wouldn’t let me go in the bottom half of the big circle

(SPOILERS) A Different Man ends with him getting the monkey surgery and become a British pop music sensation

It turns out that 9/11 was actually a gender reveal party, but they forgot to color the smoke.

I want the Sting sword from Lord of the Rings so that when it starts glowing I’ll know there are goblin short stacks nearby

There’s an old Christmas song called “Santa Claus Got Stuck in My Chimney” that goes out of its way to make sure you know it’s NOT a sex thing, which only makes me more suspicious.

Any and all questions can be directed to my attorney, Howard Clownstein; Clown at Law.

The guy whose job is to make sure that kids don’t climb inside the magical wardrobe and go on a grand adventure and live full lives, only to come back at exactly the time they left as children again: “Goddammit”

THERE IS NO FORCE ON EARTH THAT CAN KEEP ME FROM LISTENING TO MY BOOTY JAMS

My favorite part of Star Trek TOS is when Abraham Lincoln says “What a charming negress.” and Uhura goes “Get bent, you old turd.”

Declaring “I don’t believe in trains, and they have no power over me!” as the NJ Transit commuter train comes barreling down the tracks towards me, horns blaring

At a gender reveal party where they cut into the cake and thick green smoke poured out of it.
I think that means they’re having a Joker.

Explaining to the guy at the car parts store that I want to buy the engine part that gives a car a soul like Herbie the Love Bug so I can be friends with my Ford Taurus

Pulling a great prank on my stomach
(taking a drink of a hot drink, then taking a drink of a cold drink)

The proper medical term is neither “crotch” nor “groin”, it’s “frontal underpants region”

I’m currently on the run from the FBI, CIA, NSA, and Chick-Fil-A after attempting to file a patent for self-lubricating robot buttholes

Got another detention at the Jedi academy for calling Anakin “a major turd burglar”