𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦

When daylight saving time kicks in this weekend, dinner time is now just my dog staring at me like I've forgotten how to be a decent person.

I'm convinced "Spring Forward" was invented by the coffee industry. We're all walking around like zombies for a week, mainlining caffeine.

—Big Coffee is in cahoots with the government.

Spring forward. This is the one morning a year where coffee isn't a choice.

—It's a medical intervention.

My body doesn't do 'spring.' It does 'creaking forward.'

Everything hurts. I threw my back out just thinking about watching the clock change at 2 am.

I know I'm old now because when someone asks how I'm doing I tell them the truth without mercy

Have you ever noticed that some people are funnier when you drink and more lovable after they leave.

Bananas Foster is Australian for Bananas Beer.

I'm just going to sit here all day drinking increasingly strong Irish tea

And then - just like that - the cat decided he would never again eat in the area he's been fed in for five years.

Now, that’s harsh. 😆😂👍🏻

Have you ever gotten that cough that only shows up in a quiet church? That's not phlegm.

—That's your throat realizing it's the only thing that can ruin everyone's evening, and seizing every opportunity.

People say they want the "hard truth." No, they don't. They want a soft, warm, cuddly lie that's been pre-chewed for easy swallowing.

—The hard truth is for people who've run out of novocaine.

Have you ever noticed how farts disappear if you ignore them? Seriously. If you pretend you didn't hear it, did it even happen?

It’s the sound of one ass cheek clapping, and as long as you’re the only one in this elevator, nobody’s there to hear it.

Silence is supposedly golden. It's the sound of all the things we're afraid to say to each other, rotting in our heads.

That’s not golden, that’s a smelly mental landfill.

Look at a dog. He sees a squirrel, he barks. It’s real to him.

We see injustice, we… type an angry skeet. Then we go back to watching TV. If we don't stand on the couch and yell about it, the squirrel wins.

Be that dog, be vocal.

My plans for today? Same as always; drink coffee and be sexy.

i think i will never feel bad again then i feel a little too good and then i feel bad about it

Is that a Llama in your pants or are you just really uncomfortable seeing me?

I'm always confused by people who block me for limiting replies.
It's like, "So you, too, actually DO believe in users' rights to set boundaries for who interacts with them?"

You know you ordered way too much fucking food for yourself when the Chinese restaurant gives you four fortune cookies.

I hope you hear my silent responses

I would do anything for love
But I won't do that (engage with people outside my phone)

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

Gunna wear a tshirt at work tomorrow that says "hurtin' for the squirtin'".

Hear me out: a cake you jump into.

"What is that smell," "why does that look like that," and other things that should not be asked when you live alone.

Nothing screams engagement farming quite like a “be honest” question.

Everybody wants to live their truth. What if your truth is that you're a boring person with unoriginal thoughts?

Do we really need that truth on a t-shirt?

Some truths are better kept to yourself, like “I’m with stupid.”

People are always searching for their "purpose."

My purpose is to not be an asshole.

That's it. I don't need a vision board for that, I do need to shut up and listen once in a while.

Everybody wants to make a difference.

What difference?

What's wrong with just making a sandwich? A good sandwich. A sandwich that makes the person eating it think, "Well, that wasn't a complete waste of time."

Sorry, I’ll have a grill cheese on rye.