𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦

My plans for today? Same as always; drink coffee and be sexy.

i think i will never feel bad again then i feel a little too good and then i feel bad about it

Is that a Llama in your pants or are you just really uncomfortable seeing me?

I'm always confused by people who block me for limiting replies.
It's like, "So you, too, actually DO believe in users' rights to set boundaries for who interacts with them?"

You know you ordered way too much fucking food for yourself when the Chinese restaurant gives you four fortune cookies.

I hope you hear my silent responses

I would do anything for love
But I won't do that (engage with people outside my phone)

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

Gunna wear a tshirt at work tomorrow that says "hurtin' for the squirtin'".

Hear me out: a cake you jump into.

"What is that smell," "why does that look like that," and other things that should not be asked when you live alone.

Nothing screams engagement farming quite like a “be honest” question.

Everybody wants to live their truth. What if your truth is that you're a boring person with unoriginal thoughts?

Do we really need that truth on a t-shirt?

Some truths are better kept to yourself, like “I’m with stupid.”

People are always searching for their "purpose."

My purpose is to not be an asshole.

That's it. I don't need a vision board for that, I do need to shut up and listen once in a while.

Everybody wants to make a difference.

What difference?

What's wrong with just making a sandwich? A good sandwich. A sandwich that makes the person eating it think, "Well, that wasn't a complete waste of time."

Sorry, I’ll have a grill cheese on rye.

Have you ever noticed that the people who are most concerned about you "living in reality" are the same ones who think a lottery ticket is a legitimate retirement plan?

—My reality.

People are always saying, "Everything happens for a reason."

—Yeah, the reason is usually physics, or stupidity. Mostly stupidity.

You’re supposed to look confident. But taking a selfie in public is the least confident activity on Earth.

It’s just your sixty-year-old, spinning in circles, trying to find the one sliver of light that doesn't make you look like you’ve been living in your mom's basement.

You know that little voice in your head? The one that tells you not to eat the whole thing, not to say that, not to press the big red button?

—That's the only friend you have. The other one is an idiot. Listen to the first one.

If falling down when trying to put on my pants is a sign of how this day will progress, I should go back to bed now.

Tell me how we can take it to the next level. Do you validate parking.

Damn this place is dead today. Y’all still breathing?

Thru a straw of contempt. Probably would help if it wasn’t wax paper.

I spend twenty minutes getting her into position, a wrestling move I call "The Unwilling Burrito."

Then I make one tiny snip. She yelps like I’ve wronged her entire bloodline.

The nail? Didn’t even touch it. I just got too close to her paw with the chainsaw.

Sure, get over there and see what you can knock over…
My cat: K!

Being blocked and reported feels like flirting to me

They say you have to be careful not to hit this little vein in the dog’s nail while trimming.

You know what else has a little vein?

My entire body, which I’m feeling like I’m about to be severely massacred.

My dog has this look she gives me when she sees me get the clippers.

It’s the same look I’d give her if he walked into the bathroom holding a chainsaw.

I need a snappy acronym that conveys "I Wish I Were Joking"

what kind of elephants live at the north pole?

cold ones