𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦

I've started a new diet. It's called the
"I Can't Reach the Refrigerator" diet.

You stand in the living room, look longingly at the fridge, and hope a huge snack feels bad for you and waddles on over.

You ever just sneezed and hurt your back?

...Yeah, me neither.

My dog chased her tail for ten minutes. Caught it. And then just looked at me with pure confusion, "Okay, now what?"

I gave her a treat. I knew exactly how she felt. My wife gives me treats too.

I watched a documentary about planets. They've just been orbiting the same spot for billions of years.

And we're worried about being in a rut? At least we can move to a different spot on the couch.

who up wishing they weren't up

Someone knocked on the front door unexpectedly, so I muted the TV and hid like a good little millennial

I’m sorry if I offended you, I was trying to offend someone else (your mom)

*Watching the fall of civilization and the descent into a second dark age*
Wasn't that something, Paul?

Thankfully those embarrassing days were before cell phones for me.

I stubbed my toe so hard it turned purple, and I thought, "Wow, look at that beautiful eggplant! I grew it myself!"

No fucking offense dude but I'm not interested in fucking life advice from anyone that fucking "leaves it to God"

Happy fucking legal tampering day to all who fucking celebrate

Have you ever watched someone try to walk on ice in dress shoes?

The arms start flailing. The legs go sideways. It's like watching a giraffe learn to skate.

There's always someone at the bus stop pretending to read, but you know he’s posting the video on TikTok.

Have you ever held the door for someone who's like, a half football field away? And they... slow down? They take the power you gave them and they use it against you.

—pure evil.

I don't need a weighted blanket, I have a weighted cat on me.

I all for going to bed an hour earlier. It's this getting up an hour earlier that bothers me.

I have tested positive for Ibuprofen.

Have the kind of sex where you have to buy a new house.

Probably should've laid off those edibles before I did my own taxes.

A side note however...I'm getting back twelve and a half million dollars.

😂😆👊🏻

The little community Cape Cod radio station I listen to has gone silent for the last 5 minutes and I am left to assume a monster bent on our destruction has risen from the briny deep or the dj locked herself out of the studio after she’d gone to squeeze a grumpy

A map of 51A that Lisa Simpson is looking at. There is a red star and text that says "You are here, we are not"

My welcome mat

Can I shitpost my way back into your heart, or will I die trying?

-A memoir

Here’s a thought: if you have nothing special planned, take me to a random town on my birthday so we can go bookshopping.

“It’ll be fun!”

Lies, lies and more lies!!

Well, the aliens aren't going to fix this.

Me, joining yet another social media app:
- Yes, hello. This is my 24th rodeo and I still don't know what's going on.

if you don't take on me, do you even a-ha

Using all the decorative soaps on international women's day.