𝕋𝕚𝕞 🇨🇦

Back when '69' was fun, not the age I started wearing compression socks.

There was a time my wife’s ‘afterglow’ wasn’t just my phone screen in the dark.

I have an extensive collection of dents where:

(a) I’ve walked into furniture.

(b) I’ve walked into walls in the dark.

(c) I’ve stubbed my toes by the bed.

Opiates are the opiates of the masses.

A setup so simplistic hides in plain sight.

Scientists studied my narcissistic family and discovered a new law of physics: The density of a parent's ego creates a gravitational field that warps all reality around it.

Therapist: Have you considered setting boundaries?

Me: Have you considered getting a better degree?

Growing up, my family trips were elaborate photo shoots where we occasionally ate food and pretended to like each other.

I love surprises!

Especially when *other* people don’t see them coming.

Why hold grudges. I hold funerals.

They say kill them with kindness but that seems inefficient when a reciprocal saw works faster.

People say I’m too quiet. So are graveyards, and nobody criticizes them for it.

😂😂… 😳

There a forest fire that started up north of Harrison Hot Springs that effect us for a few days. It’s still burning after a week but we been smoke free generally. Hopefully stays that way.

We got nice cooler weather for the rest of the week in Vancouver. No higher than 75F.

Hey babe, I can tell by the frequency of your posts, that you are once again, avoiding it all.

I started a gratitude journal.

My first entry: Thank God for bleach, garbage bags, and unreliable witnesses.

I have some theories, that even I don’t give a rats ass about.

Bleaching my anus so that I’ll fit in at the next potluck.

The amount of ghee I consume is in direct proportion to how often I ask for clarification.

I only lie when wearing my pants made of hotdogs, because I prefer them flame-grilled.

Manifest the potatoes you want to see in the world.

Today I will be responding to all questions and statements with “needs ketchup.”

If we pooled our money, we could probably buy one of those planets from Brookstone.

So… just follow the trail?

I’ve been really into meal prep lately.

Some people marinate chicken—I prefer to marinate my *suspicions*.

Time to bulk up on mini wheats.

First day back to work after vacation and I really think I should’ve tried harder to be a trophy wife when I was young.

At this rate I’d settle for a sponge bath. 😂😂

Why make a lick of sense when you can make a whole tongue bath of sense?