🏴‍☠️ Jollyrobber 🏴‍☠️

*from the bottom of the lake

Everything’s going according to plan.

bold of you to assume i will "learn" just because i have chosen "the hard way"

“I’m just not that into you”

- guys with a tiny penis, probably

Im not gonna fly too close to the sun, I’m aiming directly for it.

“to thy own self be true” i think, while already buying halloween candy

[birthday party]

MEDUSA, rubbing the bridge of her nose: who got me a Pet Rock

“My skeets are full of typos” - my autobiography

going to baskin robbins for the water they dip the scoops in

somehow, big balls has returned

The supplies I need to make a terrible mistake were way too easy to find.

Long story short, I'm fast, and she's furious.

We should normalize using the word baffled more.

When I was a kid i had a friend who would charge us $5 to come over and watch his mom do aerobics. Fuckin legend.

Listen, if that’s not where it goes then don’t call it an analgesic

making fun of my problems isnt helping but thats the only skill ive developed!?

Welp, you're screwed...A cautionary tale.

I’m looking for a moisturizer that hides facial expressions.

📌

question for those of you with testicles: when is the test over. when do you get your realticles

There should be a fast food chain dedicated to carnival food. I shouldn’t have to wait for the world tour for some funnel cake.

None of my Family Ties posts have been a hit, so let’s not change that now.

eating grape-nuts cereal because i hate myself

one underrated thing about being in a pool is how you can successfully pretend to be incredible at gymnastics

be the good you wish to see in the world (gas up the homies at the trough urinal)

I'll probably die at work. No one on my emergency contact list will answer an unknown number.

"They even got the music right," my 7yo loudly whispers excitedly for the second time during the Minecraft movie.

In my classroom I have a drawer for each color of sharpie and my post-its are stacked up and evenly squared off.

At home, we're drinking out of pickle jars bc someone didn't start the dishwasher.

On the plus side, all the follows from Alexxxandra and Co is really helping with my self esteem issues.

Has there ever been a more Tuesday post than this🏆👑 Congratulations @toomanycommas.bsky.social from @jollyrobber.bsky.social 🏴‍☠️

put out a bunch of plastic mini drink swords as a peace offering to the cockroaches and now they’re armed I did not think this through