🏴‍☠️ Jollyrobber 🏴‍☠️

Most doctors don’t realize when they weigh you the scale doesn’t subtract its own weight from the reading. Plus a lot of those things probably weigh like 30 pounds. That’s just bad science.

Every time we talk I get a contact high.

glow sticks used to mean partying, but now in the apocalypse they just help us see our rat stew

Fact: sperm whales call humans “jizz monkeys”

you don’t have to tell me that you upped your medication

launching a satellite solely to unlock the secrets of your shitposting

Who would've guessed that the host of Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous show would end up in the Epstein files... ahhh the Reagan years.

Sorry if I'm messing things up this is my first time living through a dystopia

Don't even tell me about the heights unless they're wuthering

Party like it's my birthday? You mean screaming at the top of my lungs and covered in someone else's blood?

First there was phishing. Then there was smishing. Now there's shishing (I send you pics of shish kabobs).

megalomaniac: wants all the power

microlomaniac: just wants to hold the remote for a second

For immediate release: What. The. F

Do rich people know they can be cool? Just spend the day on their yachts or whatever and leave the rest of us alone?

Any phone can be a burner phone if you chuck it in a fire pit

I know this isn't the time for jokes, but also it is precisely the time for jokes

Roomba named Teenage Dirt Dirtbag, baby

Ah yes, Guglielmo Marconi, inventor of the wireless bra

Takes one to know to know to know one 😘

@shitpostsintiaras.bsky.social

Drafts are where my posts go to blossom

Interviewer: It says here you're good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

The Science Behind What Causes Traffic

Is it cars? I bet it’s cars.

I don't know where Waldo is. I have my own problems.

I recently went axe throwing for the first time, and I learned three things:

1. I have terrible aim.
2. Waffle House is not an axe throwing venue.
3. Waffle House and its customers are very litigious.

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

I didnt drink water for 3 days because all I was drinking was dirty soda so I almost passed out so my leasing office manager gave me Gatorade and let me tell you I will give my first born child to the inventor of Gatorade that just saved my life Gatorade has never tasted so good

wanna join me for some over thinking

If you say "l have a mental illness" = too generic and people will judge you for it. But if you say "My bloodline is cursed to fight unseen demons" = sounds so heroic, so fairytale -esque that it's too weird for further discussion.

✨

"Why do you have so many tattoos?" Because life is hard... and I deserve stickers.

✨