Missy Baker

Firing Kristi Noem is not enough. They should also make the next DHS Secretary a dog.

I hate when men act like women are so hard to please. All we want are dresses with pockets and the swift hammer of justice.

They are adorable!!!

If a murderer ever breaks into my house, I hope it’s not when my dog is on my lap, because I am NOT moving.

To everyone who encouraged my writing and comedy over the years… How dare you? Do you realize how poor I am?

Well, it’s 2:00 am, time to go look up more conspiracy theories to believe in 100%

I’ll never stop making jokes. When I die, put my ashes in a whoopee cushion.

This Mask reboot is creepin me out

Me 6 months ago: Conspiracy theories are not real.
Me now: Jim Carrey has been replaced by a clone.

No matter how bad things get, I remind myself that they could always be worse. I could have a man.

There’s actually no excuse for hanging out with a known predator. I once cut someone out of my life for saying “supposebly.”

Sorry, it’s not my fault he’s perfect. 😍

Sorry I’m late. My dog fell asleep in a cute position and I had to conduct an entire photoshoot.

Blizzards are not as fun as Dairy Queen led me to believe.

Bad Sisters!

How many edibles do I need to take to feel like this?

I don’t think I’m meant for a 9 to 5. I’m much better suited for 12 straight hours of staring at the sea and pining for my husband who mysteriously never came home.

I would die for you, Punch! 🥹

I realized it wasn’t healthy to place my entire mental health on my dog, so I did the responsible thing and outsourced some of it to that baby monkey in Japan.

Aliens are real? Great. Now I have to worry about soulless beings destroying Earth… and also aliens.

The worst advice I ever got was “trust yourself.” Trust the person who ruined my life? No thanks.

Had such a great time on Fat Tuesday I decided to remain fat on Wednesday.

We need to start holding these monsters accountable for their crimes. No one, and I mean no one, should be working out in jeans.

Thank you, finally!

I can accept being single on Valentine’s Day, but I’m truly broken that today’s almost over and no one’s asked me to be their president.

Anyone who thinks people in small towns are sweet and wholesome has obviously never witnessed the absolute savagery of a local Facebook group.

I’m convinced Valentine’s Day is the worst holiday because of its mascot. If Santa only wore a diaper, Christmas would lose a lot of its magic.

a person wearing a jason voorhees mask and black jacket ALT: a person wearing a jason voorhees mask and black jacket

Jason, you’re my only hope! 🥰

If you feel bad about being single on Valentine’s Day, cheer up. There’s still time for Jason to murder you on Friday the 13th. 💕

Hard to believe there was a time when this country agreed on one “Happy Birthday” song.