cirrus

Thank you ^_^

fizz x amumu

i am not immune to propaganda

I think its hard for me to calibrate how im feeling. a lot of times, im feeling really sad about maybe losing something i had before, but i forget the wonderful things in front of me right now. ive spent so long making unattainable goals for myself and the people around me, nothing feels like enough. ive spent time chasing a number... for what? to affirm to myself that im doing something right? i think im still evaluating myself based on a criteria that only works for myself in school. i love putting myself in situations where im not good enough, and looking for signs that just affirm that ideal. i think i really believe in the golden rule in that... i try to treat people how i want them to treat me. and when that doesn't happen i dont really know what to do. i dont know how to let things go.

sketching during worlds is fun

Your propaganda is working on me skdjksjs

i watched all four seasons and the movie... but the test is over yippeee

i actually cant bring myself to study this weekend i watched like 2 seasons of overlord straight

ITS WEDNESDAY... AAUUUU

fire alarm just went off during my big test and they might make us retake it halloweekend is over auugughhghgghgh

waiting and hoping will get me nowhere. also im just realizing now i really hate smolder's head or how i drew him ewwwwww

i like fizz x amumu its really cute

was i really feeling better or was i just closing everything off by work? do i need to feel bad to feel inspired to create? it feels like the whole world is falling apart and im just going to school again. what do i even want in the future?... what do i want now? do i really just do everything for attention? what's something only i can do? who should i become?

a

ok it was sleep deprivation + waaayyy too much caffeine i think im normal now. i hope

bluahhgh nothing feels real

i get so afraid of things i dont want to do it ends up being so much worse doing the things i dont want to do than actually just doing them. i need to look forward to doing them and just get them over with so i dont have to suffer passively for a long time vs only a hard time for a bit. being a perfectionist is fine, but honestly its probably just an excuse so i dont have to do things lol. i often find myself stuck unable to decide because i dont want to choose the wrong path, but then i end up procrastinating or not going down any path because im too afraid to close any doors. What if this isn't the right choice? what if there's a better one? there isn't!! ill have to close doors to open others, and im scared to do that a lot. but im getting better at it, and step by step will take me forward. that being said i gotta draw more hahah i keep making plans to draw stuff but then not doing it. i spend waaaayy too much time doing stuff on autopilot and just finding things to waste time hoping things will come my way but that's just not realistic. i woudl spend like an hour in bed before i got up just watching social media and i realized like... i didnt gain anything from that and so i stopped like last week and i feel like i have more time to actually relax or do things i said i want to do. i think i want to do this with video games or youtube too..... maybe i should stop watching league videos or dbd or something idk i barely play them anymore

care bear shrimpo you have my heart

im having a lot of fun right now but there's always a sense of looming bad times ahead. like im not doing enough ever. la la la la la im just trying to have fun always

"Watch as I show you the chasm between you and me."
N Corp EGO: Contempt, Awe Cirrus

omg hiii ive been so busy but i think it will be nice to come back in a while to read these like kind of a diary type thing you know?i got that combo covid flu shot and that shit got me good today im so tired (totally not cuz i played league till 4am a few days ago). anyways. i think ive been alright so far? i did fine on my first exam which is awesome, and i didnt feel nervous at all before. somehow i accepted that if i do poorly thats fine. it could just be that i felt confident going in but honestly idk. recently ive been feeling so so behind and a little stupid cuz im falling behind a bit in lectures but im sure ill catch up in a few days. i just gotta get a research project asap or im cooked but i think ill be fine... ive been playing league a lot more recently probably cuz i feel like im falling behind -> i feel like i have less control in my life -> i default back to something i do have control over. this feels really weird just typing here cuz i have a lot of feelings/thoughts but it ends up only being a sentence or two here even though i spent a while thinking about it. whatever. ive watched a few dr k videos and honestly theyre pretty cool. ive been searching for who am i at all identity wise (why i made cirrus) and he said that identity isnt a static thing and instead can just be changed into something that i aspire to become! which is cool cuz like if i just try a bunch of stuff ill probably find what speaks to me... and if not ill always try to make myself a better person so its not all wasted :^) im running out of space but also i realized why i like videogames: theyre a condensed form of social interaction. i grew up playing games as the main way of socializing with friends which is why sometimes i look at my library with a billion games but dont want to play any but i want to play games. its cuz im missing that social interaction and sense of community. but not everyone games so i gotta work on actually touching grass...

honestly just drawing poses from pinterest with random characters is fun

i gotta draw more...

Ohh do u mean like MMO type games then? I think TF2 still has a loving fan base but not so much the dev support... Also I think deadlock is there too but I haven't played much so idk

yeah but are those fans vs people trying to pick it up for the first time? once you understand its an environment sim more than a linear game it starts making sense. also from what ive seen the fandom is mostly scugposting and helping other people through parts rather than complaining

outer wilds and rain world i think are two

sorry to hear that :(

if you need anyone to talk to my dms are always open

Oh yeah heres some stuff from the car seat headrest concert!!

o7

eh. i guess i just overestimate my importance in other people's lives. ive just been setting myself up to fail! maybe its just that doing things irl is nicer, but man. hanging out in person has just been a blast compared to a lot of what ive done online. BTW this isnt about anyone in specific, just general feelings ive experienced over time. this isnt to say yall are bad friends, but rather i think ive been managing my expectations poorly. sitting in front of my computer wasting time and waiting for a discord notification to pop up that wont come because they just forgot about you and feeling bad over that is just objectively not a good use of my time and a bad habit. its just such a whiplash when one day on call everyone is having a wonderful time and the next youre practically begging people to talk to you. at the same time theyre saying theyre lonely! and its not like i dont invite people to do things either... it just feels like everyone's already got people they talk to daily and im just someone else on the side. anyways. if thats true i wont ever be a part of that persons core group, especially if our interests shift away from what held us together. (is it really that hard to just make and reply to a groupchat or server to organize things in? its alright if people miss things sometimes...) so i just gotta change my expectations. maybe i really am the only one trying to hold things together! and... thats alright! if others really dont want it that bad then i should just stop wasting my time. now that i dont really expect people to message me or reply, im happier when they do. im also not wasting my time waiting on a potential message, i just reach out and put my time first and if they miss it, im doing something else. maybe people just dont like my vibe. oh well! ill be doing my own thing. on the flip side, with people who do put their time into me, ill be able to spend time on them! sorry for being a bit spiteful today but i think im changing for the better :]

i forgot to color the teru teru bozu oops

ill get on later!

this took 2 hours to do which is honestly way quicker and easier than how i normally draw things. i didnt really gaf about little things and just painted the colors pretty much (its really apparent in his cloak). honestly it gives it a nice gradation of colors instead of just filling the colors in and relying on shading afterwards. its a scary world out there, and looking at it from a big picture standpoint, things are so hard. ive been trying to take things day by day, and really try to find happiness and pleasure in the little things. I want to be unapologetic in what i like and who i am. earlier, designing my ocs is hard because i didnt really know my identity, so how am i to write someone else? but i realize that the self isnt really a static thing, and it changes based on how i live my life and the decisions i make. That being said, I still dont know what makes me, me. if its just a clinging to some vague sense of good morals and self-improvement, i dont really know if thats enough? whatever. staying true to how i feel and being honest will bring me closer to that truth. that aside, i also do think theres a fear that comes along with me no matter what i do, and its the fear of uncertainty. am i going the right way? am i making the right decisions? am i doing it right? at first i think it was only that i was afraid of research--in a class, there are right and wrong answers, but in research, nobody knows whats right! cuz its new! and thats scary! i realize that... its not just from research. if i want to become someone i respect, someone that i can be proud of, i need to be able to let go of the past and embrace the future. i need to find what really matters to me and do that! i cant change how others treat me, but i can change how i react to them. i said this actually like a year ago, but i couldnt really accept it. ill show you my cards, and if my hand isnt enough for you, then thats alright! ill play my own game.

trying out procreate. someone battle boosted in aram today and i actually didnt know what im missing out on this skin its so peak cuz it has like two spammable emotes! still not buying it though

city the animation ouuuuu it makes my heart ache

not too much today. i think back to how i was feeling before starting school, and i was really afraid id lose contact with my friends. and honestly... i have. a lot of my irls id do stuff with every day we barely talk anymore cuz i have to sleep way earlier than normal and im not up for the times we'd usually play games. also theyre doing a lot more actually irl stuff. i have to actually remind myself to try and keep relationships but like. we're just so far away, and im not a priority on their minds... and while thats sad, i think thats alright too. im also just busy all the time now that im in school, and i have made (hopefully) good friends here too. maybe im just distracting myself with work or whatever, but it honestly works hahaha. it helps build self confidence and overall its just less time i have stewing in horrible thoughts cuz i always gotta do something. i should also probably try to look for a partner more actively... ive been using the excuse that "oh theres always something more important" but honestly i dont really know if thats true. i inch closer to the day that that statement stops being relevant, and at that time i dont really know what ill do. i just dont want to live with any regrets (as of now).

cirrus, some lore, and then a mini veigy

Foto meme de um tipo de efeito dominó em que as peças ficam gradativamente maiores, um homem esta prestes a derrubar a peça menor onde o texto diz em inglês "learning to draw" (aprendendo a desenhar) e na peça maior no final da fileira o texto diz "everybody knowing what your fetishes are" (todo mundo descobrindo quais seus fetiches são).

i agree!! but unfortunately not my designs

Also a bot just replied to me so I'm going to start glazing everything again