Lichen 🌱

"im only a thesaurus when im angry"

overheard in line for the living tombstone: "dont rub one out in the living tombstone line!! silas!!!"

"i need to get some Adderall and watch some school house rock.... are you tweeting that?"

"roll a Persuasion check with your strength modifier"

"i am becheesed"

"its like the great British bake off but rubber!"

Fruit of the Day: bell pepper with a. um. with a. well. u see it, right

"fuck your hat and the Frenchman it rode in on"

"i dont think you can really hock a kidney"

A gloved hand holding two blackberries that, as placed side by side, cover the entire length of the fingers.

Gloved fingers pinching a blueberry that's about half the size of a fingernail.

A radish plant on a stainless steel table. It is more leaf than root, and more taproot than radish. The edible part of the radish is no wider than the stems of the leaves, and only about a finger width tall.

Fruit of the Day: three in one! the biggest blackberries I've ever seen in my life, an extremely small blueberry, and a radish that is... well its doing its best

"you've got it trussed up like a Non-Denominational Winter Holiday present"

"I've been trying to figure out if me starting to play WoW was me actually wanting to play it, or if it was a cry for help."

"were you wearing oven mitts?"
"i was completely naked, dude!"

A gloved hand holding a small stem of grapes, which have withered and dried out well past the point of being raisins.

Fruit of the Day: grape mummies

Fruit of the Day: a grape with a rockin' bod lol

"everyone knows [our boss] does like me, I threaten to fuck his wife!"

"well- have we reconciled santa?"

Fruit of the Day: this big boi dragon fruit (banana for scale)

Fruit of the Day: cherry with hat

A strawberry on a metal table. It has two small bumps near the top, giving the appearance that the strawberry has boobs.

Fruit of the Day: titty strawberry

A large man (my boss) struggling to hold a giant watermelon in both arms

Fruit of the Day: this unsellable watermelon (it maxes out the scale, we think its probably at least 40lbs but that means it can't be sold on its own. place your bets on how many watermelon bowls it'll make)

Fruit of the Day: conjoined strawberry

in case u need a reminder that everyone around you is living a rich, full life that u know nothing about: a guy just got on my bus w a paperback book, some loose sheets of paper, and a tub of margarine. so. yknow.

Fruit of the Day: this very picturesque watermelon

"i may be a psychopomp, but im not crazy"

"its the same reason I haven't had gelato since I had it in venice... or gyros since I had them in athens"

"not to sound, like, posh or an asshole, but when I was in London, uh-"

Fruit Of TheDay: this grape

today's mood: singular red grape rolling listlessly across the grocery store parking lot

(with no enthusiasm) "compliance audit deez nuts, got em"