Jess Whitehead

Today I made a special visit to Charlie Kirk’s grave. I dug up his coffin, jerked off, and came in his mouth. It was awesome and Charlie’s corpse seemed to really like it.

If I’ve learned anything from a life of crime, it’s that you can enter just about any restricted area as long as you have a clipboard and you act like you’re supposed to be there.

A big part of Columbo is that in his investigations, he was always learning about new things like technology or groups. It’s a shame they never did an episode that involved him learning about roleplaying games. I think Columbo would have been delighted to discover Dungeons & Dragons.

Every killer on Columbo would have gotten away with it if they’d just learned this simple response: “Gee Lieutenant, I’m not sure how that happened. I guess it’s your job to figure that out.”

My little nephew is so cute. He’s been making sounds and words. Now he likes to grab one of his spherical toys and bring it to me saying “baal”. And I tell him, “No, Gaius. Ba’al is a semitic deity. That’s a toy.”

Great. Not only is Judy Hopps a cop, she’s also a Zionist. Now I really regret having that sex dream about her.

“You know how everyone in the room always shouts ‘BA BA BA!’ when Sweet Caroline plays? What if we made a whole movie about that?” -The development process for Song Sung Blue

Fun fact: Even though the song is titled “Fairytale Of New York”, it was actually done in Toronto in order to save money.

At a passing glance, the Predator: Badlands poster vaguely reminds me of something.

How are there not 30 different true crime podcasts about the guy who wrote Traxx starring Shadoe Stevens?

Love to see Doug Walker catching strays.

Based on a conversation I had earlier. I was the one throwing the chair.

I think The Black Phone was the best thing you and Derrickson have done yet and I’m hearing people say the sequel is maybe even better. Can’t wait!

It used to be you needed special John Carpenter sunglasses to see that shit on billboards.

Has Emerald Fennel mentioned how she managed to cast young John Kerry in Withering Heights?

It’s time for America’s new favorite game show: Michael Stuhlbarg or Stephen Root?

Sometimes you accidentally pause the TV on the exact right moment of Leighton Meester’s face.

Also, the Kennedy Center is holding a vigil for a literal Nazi. Fuck that.

This is the funniest fucking thing ever. The vast majority of people publicly mourning Charlie Kirk do not give a shit about Kirk or his family. They’re just opportunists and grifters jumping at the chance to blame the left for something one of their own actually did.

It’s really hard to take conservatives getting upset about the death of Charlie Kirk seriously when this is the exact same way they reacted to a regional restaurant chain changing their logo.

The only good part of this ludicrous canonization of Charlie Kirk as an MLK of the right is how much Charlie Kirk would have hated the comparison.

When you decide to be a willing propagandist for a murderous, genocidal, fascist regime, you have to be prepared to accept that getting shot might end up being the cost of doing business.

They should spend the whole publicity tour for this new Downton Abbey movie talking about it how it’s a tribute to Maggie Smith’s memory and legacy. Then people go see the movie and it turns out there’s a shitty looking, very unconvincing CGI Maggie Smith in every scene. That would be hilarious.

Jacob Tremblay is turning out to be one of those child actors who look very different as they grow older.

Glasses are also woke.