🪳BUG🪳🇵🇸

Haven't drawn a lot, being online fills me with a need to share smth abt where I'm at. Justify feelings of profound failure, beg for understanding, feel endless guilt for limitations beyond my control. Not useful. It's normal to be limited by poverty, disability and grief. No justification needed.

It came at a bad time, in a notably unstable moment in my life. 2024 shrank my total resources materially and mentally and left me in a pretty dire spot without the loss. The timing was exquisitely bad.
Be like that. I'll do my best to slowly return to something near-normal. if I want lol

bone died, n it hit me hard as I thought it would, anticipating the intensity of grief didn't do much for navigating it. I just knew it would hurt, I had no expectation for what that would be like or how it might manifest. If anything I dealt with it worse by imagining myself prepared

had to take a hardcore break from online spaces, shit was makin me crazy. Went thru a pretty rough patch, total breakdown in my ability to function at a basic level. Decided to shelve anything not directly related to survival and let myself rest. Like really rest. Not to jinx it but? feeling better?

like i said I couldn't find a better way to make contact, I have a decent catalog of resources/reading related to the subject, would something like that be appropriate to send to the submissions email? Felt like it would be relevant to ur audience!

the manual removal tutorial has a list of brokers, tutorials for removal on each and direct links to the removal request pages individually! In the episode ur guest mentioned where these links are usually found but they tend to be intentionally hidden or placed illogically to reduce removals

Couldn't find a better way to contact yall, but i heard this episode and wanted to share a good related resource! sit has multiple free tutorials on how to minimize identity exposure online. including a tutorial on manually requesting/deleting ur info from data brokers
inteltechniques.com/links.html

Hai gays

#art #adopts
adopts i made on toyhouse

I think I have a little progress on all my commissions already, so once I start it'll be ok. I feel like I actually have the capacity to do basic shit again so I dont think it'll be impossible to motivate like before, I just dont want paid work to be my warmup. Dont wanna give ppl garbage.

That said, I've been baby stepping interaction with online spaces again, and I've been drawing again, after not really doing it for a few months. So, I'm on the right track, I would have started work on coms again already, but I'm so rusty I think I gotta get back into the swing of things first.

i think i've needed to place my health and well being first for a long time but uh, the authoritarian hard-launch is my wakeup call. So all obligations are second priority until I'm at least feeling sane enough to do basic survival shit. TY for any grace while I'm workin it out. SOON. ill be ok

Meds don't do much for me, anything I tried has made things worse, and I've refused inpatient or actually having "schizophrenia" plopped on my record (again) cus being trans and having a major chronic condition is already sketchy. Anyway, I'm rawdogging all my issues with limited support.

hey just so everyone knows, i got hit with the schizo diagnosis and im trying to navigate that as a dirt broke trans person in an ultra-red state. im mostly staying offline to manage symptoms, paranoia. I'm feeling better lately, but I HAVE to prioritize myself and my health rn. times is...scary

Let the evil critters breed

Doodles

Brains area of the goofy hospital

More

stormchaser story doodles

biggest problem is communication. I cannot fucking talk to anyone right now because my paranoia is unbearable and it takes me like 3 hours to construct a single message to anyone and I gotta do that almost 30 times to communicate much about a delay or an issue I’m having. It’s all very frustrating

That’s the other fucking nuts part. I have like 10 kofi drawings and 16 commissions left to do and I have 19 of those 26 started, not just started like 80% done and now I’m just in lock up. That’s truly abnormal

Some ko-fi drawings. 3 Complete and 1 wip

Also, the second you tell someone you’re schizo everything you say after is just irrelevant. Like all disabilities, admitting you have one is scary and embarrassing. Only because the world we’re in demands you internalize the notion of worthlessness as someone who can’t thrive in rigged game

Here’s a drawing

Anyway, pls know I’m trying so hard but being dirt ass poor and schizo in a fucking red state with no support system while America becomes greater every fucking evil day is HARD. Idk how many of y’all have been literally one meal a day poor for a decade but it’s extremely fucking hard.

“Mental illness gets so bad people kill themselves” should really be the first thought in everyone’s head when we talk about this shit. Oh my god

And explaining how a psychotic disorder might limit your capacity to do shit is so hard. Ppl are just not fucking familiar with this shit, and all “normalizing” mental health struggles did was make ppl who feel sad sometimes think their experience describes all mental illness. Release me.

Which is the shittiest part, I thought I just had it together. Not just commissions but working, everything in general but as more and more shit happened outside my control it was like I lost my grip on reality and I only kinda of feel able to recognize the gravity of the chance.

did close to 300 in 2020, abt 200 in 2021? Tons! One after the other, paid all the groceries and 2/3 of the rent all on my own. It’s not that struggling is abnormal, I always had a hard time sticking to it but this is like a whole different thing. I’ve never struggled like this before

Anyway, if anyone else has had their mental health literally torch their ability to just get work, specifically commission work, done and found a solution pls feel free to share I’m so irate rn. I don’t wanna feel like a failure or lazy or helpless or look like a bitch. I’m so sick of it aaa