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Let the evil critters breed

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Brains area of the goofy hospital

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stormchaser story doodles

biggest problem is communication. I cannot fucking talk to anyone right now because my paranoia is unbearable and it takes me like 3 hours to construct a single message to anyone and I gotta do that almost 30 times to communicate much about a delay or an issue I’m having. It’s all very frustrating

That’s the other fucking nuts part. I have like 10 kofi drawings and 16 commissions left to do and I have 19 of those 26 started, not just started like 80% done and now I’m just in lock up. That’s truly abnormal

Some ko-fi drawings. 3 Complete and 1 wip

Also, the second you tell someone you’re schizo everything you say after is just irrelevant. Like all disabilities, admitting you have one is scary and embarrassing. Only because the world we’re in demands you internalize the notion of worthlessness as someone who can’t thrive in rigged game

Here’s a drawing

Anyway, pls know I’m trying so hard but being dirt ass poor and schizo in a fucking red state with no support system while America becomes greater every fucking evil day is HARD. Idk how many of y’all have been literally one meal a day poor for a decade but it’s extremely fucking hard.

“Mental illness gets so bad people kill themselves” should really be the first thought in everyone’s head when we talk about this shit. Oh my god

And explaining how a psychotic disorder might limit your capacity to do shit is so hard. Ppl are just not fucking familiar with this shit, and all “normalizing” mental health struggles did was make ppl who feel sad sometimes think their experience describes all mental illness. Release me.

Which is the shittiest part, I thought I just had it together. Not just commissions but working, everything in general but as more and more shit happened outside my control it was like I lost my grip on reality and I only kinda of feel able to recognize the gravity of the chance.

did close to 300 in 2020, abt 200 in 2021? Tons! One after the other, paid all the groceries and 2/3 of the rent all on my own. It’s not that struggling is abnormal, I always had a hard time sticking to it but this is like a whole different thing. I’ve never struggled like this before

Anyway, if anyone else has had their mental health literally torch their ability to just get work, specifically commission work, done and found a solution pls feel free to share I’m so irate rn. I don’t wanna feel like a failure or lazy or helpless or look like a bitch. I’m so sick of it aaa

I can’t describe the frustration of just wanting to get things done, having a plan, trying and just slipping into what feels like a blackout. I’m not even like doing other shit instead of work I’m just fully psychotic busted ruminating useless for endless hours it’s crazy. Literally. Stressful

I’m just really unsure how to move forward. I can’t seem to get help medically, I can’t seem to get much done on my own, but none of it is lack of desire or motivation it’s like I’m a bug smashed flat so I can wish all I want but I’m stuck. Idk anyone else out there ever just been so fucked? lol

Which isn’t like a question on how do I get out of doing things. Cus I want to get it done just now do I navigate this? How do I anything but lose my housing in this world as a disabled person, how do I make that complication clear, how do I make the best move with so little to work with?

So idk what to do. It was either get evicted or take on work I knew I’d struggle to complete but hope the effort I put in to solve the mental shit paid off. It has not so I’m stuck in limbo. Idk how do you navigate that effectively? How do I make the disability clear? How do I handle it?

So with no resources, no security, no healthcare, no savings, no help, no stability and a disorder that makes connection to reality uncertain I have to suddenly perform. And I can’t, and I feel shitty for it, but the reality is I am just fuckin disabled. Which sucks.

I’ve managed to work full time, or as close to it as I can, while navigating a disabling psychiatric condition and it’s lead to 0 quality of life. That struggle, right now has me in a position where I desperately want and need to function but literally can not do so.

What I need to communicate is that I have had a schizophrenia diagnosis since I was 18, had 0 success with anti-psychotics and have been on my own living on like 10k a year for the last 15. I haven’t had the resources for much intervention and when I’ve had it the care has been truly abysmal.

The thing is I don’t know how to explain that art for me and paid work are extremely different without sounding like I’m too dense to understand the reality of money and obligations. Or that it’s unimportant to me. So I just hit stop on everything.

haven’t shared art lately because doing so while struggling to complete paid work lead a conflict that was exactly what I sought to avoid at all costs. But I’m actually less stable when I feel stripped of my single joy, shocking.

I’m struggling to articulate what’s going on with me while preserving some sense of? Not privacy but safety I guess. And avoid some misinterpretation that leads some freak to insisting loving off one meal a day (or less) is actually a masterful scam. But I need some kinda help and my outlet.

So I’ve had to just stop using social media for a sec, I think I’m just at capacity for stress and idk how to navigate it. Im kinda swamped by commission work and the same psych issues that made a new day job impossible don’t just stop because I didn’t technically clock in.

Been trying to focus on getting shit done but it’s hard…have some guys
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F2e raffle on toyhouse, link in bio
#adoptables

Drew my vamp oc again :)
#oc #illustration