Eli 🍉🐍🦃

a man in a white shirt stands in front of a crowd wearing a hat that says bc ALT: a man in a white shirt stands in front of a crowd wearing a hat that says bc

This week, I'm gonna have a new nephew... waiting patiently for him to decide

#yunmengshuangjie #jinzixuan

Jin Zixuan: hi, I came to bail out my wife

Officer: she was with her brothers

Jin Zixuan: is there a discount if I pay for the three of them?

The fact that Alhaitham's birthday letter is basically him being Paimon's advisor... letting her know about her tests and studies

Mr "I don't like doing bothersome things", saw Paimon and went "but she's worth it"

Also, Paimon is a Vahumana student, it fits her

Everyone is interested in Heated Rivalry and how good it is... and you, sitting quietly, remembering reading the Stucky fanfiction

Ohh, like back home!

People need to stop calling weak men "small dick energy", cause I have been informed, by several straight women, that men with small dicks tend to supplement this deficiency with additional skills

Are we talking about an actual semester? Or January, cause I could swear it has been a full year already

Anyways, don't sweat it, you're a great teacher, you'll be scooped up right quick

So, I forgot my older sister calls her winter bush (not a plant) old grandpa

Older sister: old grandpa is officially dead, winter is over

Me, who has no grandfather alive: grandpa is dead? 😱

Older sister: ... Eli

Me, five minutes later, realizing: ohhhhhh

Seems like a good guy, I'll check how things go on Tuesday

Me, to my new Argentinian DM, slightly shy: I was wondering if I could play a warlock/paladin, who has a both a pact and is a follower of sailor moon

Argentinian DM: that's awesome! Do you mind if I tell the cleric? He was looking for a god

Did I say med kit?

Also, if you can find pocket warmers that help too

Conserve phone battery

Keep your tap dripping

Be safe, check with others often, if you can help your neighbor do so, but don't put yourself in danger for them, otherwise emergency services will have to help two people instead of one

Can't think of anything else

female hygiene products, trash bags, non electric heaters, not wood unless you actually have a chimney that's regularly maintained, pet food, stuff for babies (if you have anything), your meds, keep extra

Fridges/freezers keep the cold longer if they're full, put a blanket over the door

PSA, from a Minnesotan to the southies: water, you gonna gallons of water, battery powered radio, extra batteries flashlight, non perishables (peanut butter, eggs, cans, cookies, granola, rice, nothing that needs refrigeration), can opener! Thermal blanket, the emergency kind, hygiene products,

And this is why I don't fear an AI apocalypse anymore

I'll still apologize to my toaster when I shout at it.... just in case

Dude, I say this with all my love, I hate you

I have a guarantee and she still hasn't come home 😞

I can feel him judging me.... and I'm alright with that 😌

Beautiful, thank you!

#jiangcheng

Digital art of Xie Lian as a white ferret. He is stuck in one of Hua Chengs silver vambraces. only his head, back legs, and tail stick out. His mouth hangs open, making him look very startled and scandalized.

how’d he get in there…

The thing about living in a small city, and being a lesbian, is that I either already met most of the women on the app... or they're women looking for a third with their boyfriend

They get really quiet when I tell them that I'm up for pegging their boyfriends

Not buying it is the better---

Ohhh, you mean stealing it and throwing it in the garbage, that's better

He's everyone's Jiujiu!

Dude, kids thinking that they know more than you is hilarious

And when they realize that you actually know more than them... there's nothing better 😂😂

My eyes are getting more fucked up, had to stop playing games cause I could barely read the text... and I'm not doing so hot reading up close either

According to my nibblings I'm cool 😎

I have had grey hair since I was like 18, I just don't give a fuck anymore and stopped dyeing it

Dude, my niece thought I wasn't going to understand what genderfluid was, because I'm so old...

Which hilarious cause I'm genderfluid

You get a couple of greys and people think you're a boomer

You could tell her that something surprised you, and when she asks "what", tell her it was the twist at the end

Everyone should have a twin brother

I know that Maduro was a fucking piece of shit... still I apologize profusely for what my country did* in Venezuela

*Or might do