TODAY IS NATIONAL MULLED WINE DAY!
I was asked, "Would you like some mulled wine?"
I replied, "Let me think it over."
TODAY IS NATIONAL MULLED WINE DAY!
I was asked, "Would you like some mulled wine?"
I replied, "Let me think it over."
TODAY IS NATIONAL OLD STUFF DAY!
Monopoly has some really old stuff in it; I don't think it's very realistic any longer. There’s free parking, a luxury tax, and rich people actually go to jail.
TODAY IS NATIONAL DADGUM THAT'S GOOD DAY!
I told my father that today is National Dadgum That's Good Day.
He came to dinner without his dentures.
TODAY IS NATIONAL TOOTH FAIRY DAY!
I accidentally fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night. When I woke up, it was gone, replaced with a quarter.
I guess I was visited by the Blue-Tooth Fairy!
TODAY IS NATIONAL SKIP THE STRAW DAY!
I just realized that drinking water through a straw is the opposite of going snorkeling.
TODAY IS NATIONAL CHILI DAY!
A vegetarian friend of mine asked if I could make a good vegetarian chili. I told her yes if I could stick her in the freezer.
TODAY IS NATIONAL CLAM CHOWDER DAY!
My clam chowder recipe tastes great but is too runny. A chef friend of mine suggested adding a piece of paper with a synopsis of my favorite mystery novel. He said the plot thickens.
TODAY IS NATIONAL TORTILLA CHIP DAY!
I am not a fan of tortilla chips. In fact, I told my wife, "If you love tortilla chips and cheese, I'm nacho man."
TODAY IS NATIONAL TILE DAY!
My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took her to the vet.
No word yet.
TODAY IS NATIONAL MARGARITA DAY!
I was drinking a margarita at my favorite bar when the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”
I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet!”
It really broke the tension and we all laughed and laughed.
Well, except for one guy.
TODAY IS NATIONAL BOILED PEANUTS DAY!
I came into the room and saw my wife eating boiled peanuts. I asked her why she was making the peanuts laugh?
She looked at me confused. I said, "Well clearly you cracked them up."
TODAY IS NATIONAL LEADERSHIP DAY!
Russian leadership has gotten really bad. Everyone seems to be mocking the Russians in charge Even mystics are starting to razz Putin.
TODAY IS NATIONAL CHOCOLATE MINT DAY!
I think we can make people in jail feel better about being there if we give them chocolate mint candy.
They might say, "That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I thought."
TODAY IS PLUTO DAY!
I was asked if I cared about saving the planet. I said yes, as long as it's Pluto.
TODAY IS NATIONAL CAULIFLOWER DAY!
I am not sure why we are celebrating this; it's the saddest vegetable in the world.
We should call it melancauliflower.
TODAY IS NATIONAL ALMOND DAY!
I asked my son if he likes almonds.
He said he doesn't like almonds, but he does like somemonds.
TODAY IS SINGLES AWARENESS DAY!
I made a terrible decision; I installed adblock software and now the hot singles in my area don't want to meet me any more.
TODAY IS VALENTINE'S DAY!
My wife fulfilled one of my fantasies today.
She dressed up as a nurse and we pretended I had health care coverage.
TODAY IS NATIONAL CHEDDAR DAY!
I was being photographed today. I watched as a large wheel of cheddar cheese fell onto my photographer's head. I yelled out "CHEESE!" to alert him but he just ignored the warning.
TODAY IS NATIONAL GIVING HEARTS DAY!
A friend of mine is asking for donations for his charity marathon but I’m afraid he’s just going to take the money and run.
TODAY IS NATIONAL GUITAR DAY!
I recently had jury duty. The case involved a woman accused of beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge looked at her and asked, "First offender?"
The woman replied, "No Your Honor. First a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."
TODAY IS NATIONAL FLANNEL DAY!
I was stopped by a police officer while carrying three flannel shirts, some scarves, and two gallons of cider. He said he suspected me of stealing them.
I told him I was just a Fall guy.
TODAY IS NATIONAL PIZZA DAY!
I like my pizza like Good King Wenceslas like his pizza:
Deep pan, crisp and even.
TODAY IS NATIONAL KITE FLYING DAY!
One of my favorite memories is when I took my daughter to see Frozen. Later we had ice cream and went to the park to fly kites.
We had our kites up in the air when my daughter's kite got loose and flew away. I asked her what happened. She said, "Elsa said to."
TODAY IS NATIONAL PLAY OUTSIDE DAY!
The quality and enjoyability of playground equipment is really uneven. Some are way better than others. Slides: I can get down with. Swings: I go back and forth on.
TODAY IS NATIONAL CHOPSTICKS DAY!
I tried to teach my grandma how to eat noodles with chopsticks. I told her to try holding them like knitting needles.
She didn't get anything to eat but she started a pretty sweater.
TODAY IS OPTIMIST DAY!
The difference between a pessimist and an optimist is that a pessimist says, "Things can't get any worse" and optimist says, "Sure they can!"
TODAY IS NATIONAL HOMEMADE SOUP DAY!
I call my special homemade soup "Gold Soup" because I use 24 carrots.
TODAY IS NATIONAL TAKE A CRUISE DAY!
I'm thinking about taking a cruise around the coast of Finland but I don't know that I can I afjord it.
TODAY IS GROUNDHOG DAY!
I've been looking for a new Groundhog Day joke because I keep hearing the same ones over and over.