Dee Ahmed

I now wear Hunter S. Thompson yellow sunglasses... I’m in a strangely confident place in my life.

jerry from tom and jerry is crying with a tear coming out of his nose ALT: jerry from tom and jerry is crying with a tear coming out of his nose

Wait a second… DEI includes Paternity leave for Fathers?!?!?!?

Stay safe on your dating apps in DC folks. The new crop just popped in and it's looking Musky.

They seem to be very concerned about diversity. Well, let's break this down.

If 44/45 guys, going back 236 years, all got sunburned. But 1 new guy showed up, over 15 years ago… and he didn't get sunburn.

Diversity would probably be less important than the real possibility of skin cancer. Right?

Honestly, Im just here to speak for SAS. Not even supporting this trade. Just shocked🥴.

“Legit legend incoming! Stephen A. Smith’s lively, luscious rant is gonna be loaded with L-words! Lakers landing Luka lights up LA. LeBron and Luka leading the lineup? League’s locked and lit!” #LegendaryRant

a man in a suit and tie is sitting at a desk . ALT: a man in a suit and tie is sitting at a desk .

[Stephen A Smith Voice]

Listen, let me lay it down for you! Lakers landing Luka is a legendary leap, not a liability. Linking Luka with LeBron is a lineup loaded with limitless potential. Lakers' legacy is about to light up the league, leaving all the haters lamenting. LA is loving this! #NBAsky

a man in a suit and tie is drinking a green smoothie from a plastic cup with a straw . ALT: a man in a suit and tie is drinking a green smoothie from a plastic cup with a straw .

So many L’s.
[Stephen A Smith Voice]

“Luka landing in LA to link with LeBron? Legendary! This Lakers lineup's gonna leave the league in awe. Limitless Luka and legendary LeBron—LA's lights just got a lot brighter!”
#Lakers #Luka #LeBron #NBASky

a cartoon character with a yellow tank top and brown shorts standing on a rocky beach . ALT: a cartoon character with a yellow tank top and brown shorts standing on a rocky beach .

Luka to the Lakers has everyone in LA looking like this.

This is the only reason I'm holding onto Instagram.

Sending this to folks unprompted in 2025.

Being a fan of Washington Sports teams will do things to you.

[Fake Facts FoxNews will Run With in 2025]

Only 1 in 5 of Gen-Z can whistle? Whistling was once a form of catcalling, so millennials stopped learning how to do it (60%). Now, even fewer Gen-Z can. Some even claiming they're physically incapable of whistling.

Woke people cancelled Whistling.

Yeah, that seems correct… 😤

a man in a suit and tie is sitting in a chair and talking on a cell phone . ALT: a man in a suit and tie is sitting in a chair and talking on a cell phone .

My Spotify Wrapped is just the call-waiting song for Xfinity when I tried to cancel my internet.

12 year old Dee thought there were going to be wayyy more hostage situations when I grew up.

Now, it's just reflux situations.

Help if you can. He's a great person.

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I don’t want to hear anyone of you bitch and moan in 2 weeks saying 2024 was so tough.

NO!

You know what happens in January!!!

Technically, 2024 is as good as it’s gonna get for like 5 years.

Cherish 2024.

THEN CONTOUR THE WAR PAINT. KNUCKLE UP. BITE DOWN ON THE MOUTH GUARD.

and just...

Black Friday
Blacker Saturday
Bigger and Blacker Sunday
Cyber Monday
Giving Tuesday
WTF Did I Buy Wednesday
Fraudulent Charge Thursday

Unrelated, I will be celebrating my 1 year as a door to door bidet salesman.

I am done eating fast food for good.

I am now eating fast food for Evil.

Hey Jokes on Tap is back at Port City in Alexandria tomorrow at 7:30 featuring @olmikeb757.bsky.social @deeahmed.bsky.social

Come out and have fun for once in your life!

Quote post yourself from another era.

2016, I was in Puerto Rico for a bachelor party. We wore banana costumes and got into a massive street fight in San Juan. We scattered and were called The Plantain Bandas(Gang). These are the only photos linking me to this event.

These stickers are not hitting like they used to.

This is how I hold microphones. Please don’t bully me.

a man is using a laptop in front of a wall that says ' i love you ' ALT: a man is using a laptop in front of a wall that says ' i love you '

Why does this Adderall taste like I’m going to learn Mandarin today?

And he’s back baby!!!!

Went to Greece. Found this hat. Never taking it off. ✊🏾🤠

You @ 25 vs Your Dad @ 25

Im definitely give my Dad this fade. But, my Mama would beat the shit out of me shortly afterwards. She was an Olympic hopeful in Somalia.

Could someone buy me this?

Oh shit I forgot I had this thing.