Jesse Bercier

WHAT’S HE DOING CRAWLING AROUND IN THOSE PIPES ANYHOW

too crappy at video games to be a streamer; too good at video games to be the idiot in every IG ad who can’t save that stupid king from getting crushed by puzzles. shit SUCKS

got kicked out of another poker game for saying “oooh, rare pull! I don’t have this guy yet!” every time I was dealt a face card

I miss the FilmDrunk comment of the week round up more than most of my deceased relatives

she’s got style, she’s got grace
there’s some pudding on her face
that’s from dinner
she’s got pudding on her knee
and there’s pudding on her sleeve
she’s a winner

I understand that wedding socials (fundraising dance parties with prize raffles, deli spreads & cheap booze) are a strictly Manitoban thing, sure. but now I need to know where the rest of North America’s aunts embarrass them with their behaviour when Strokin’ by Clarence Carter starts playing

has anyone ever had their dating profile photo be one of them vaping while wearing highlighter yellow sneakers and a SUPREME fanny pack w/ the caption “just a hypebeauty looking for their hypebeast” or do I gotta think of EVERYTHING for you single dweebs?

not a knock against École Laura Secord School, but VH1’s POP UP VIDEO incentivized speed reading so much better than Canadian public school ever could (while teaching me at least as much about Céline Dion than was in the curriculum)

what a truly embarrassing time to be a man. my condolences to anyone who AW CRAP I AM ONE OF THOSE

a demon with bad posture leafing through a book of damned souls & curved spines called THE ERGONOMICON. why, what are YOU thinking about?

when I say “I have a butt like Hank Hill” I fear some interpret that as “I have a small butt like Hank Hill’s small butt”. NOT THE CASE. like Hank Hill my butt gets better appreciated over time and also sounds like Mike Judge

riling up dads again (referring to The Beatles as “Paulie & The Pre-Wings”)

“____ started using Meta AI” might as well be a “this person sucks” notification. what the fuck am I supposed to do with this information?

by the age of 30 you should:

- have committed to a bit or a catchphrase that is mostly just funny to you

- see fashionable jean tightness bounce between skinny & baggy to a degree that hurts you psychologically

- have named a pet or child “Ham”

FUN FACT: SHREK 3 was fully written, voiced & was 90% animated before they realized “wait, no one is going to understand any of this” and that’s why they made SHREK

cures for cancer and diabetes would be lovely to see in my lifetime, but if it was discovered that scientists have been prioritizing inventing a meatball sub that doesn’t spill all out the back when you eat it I would understand

back before front facing cameras were the norm you’d have to get punched in the balls while looking at a distorted funhouse mirror to feel this bad about yourself. simpler time, really makes you think

it’s 2006.

you’re 22.

the wheels are barely staying on your ‘93 Chevrolet Cavalier.

MTV sends your 2nd favourite feature from Dr. Dre’s “What’s The Difference” to look into it.

you mention in passing that you like butterflies.

your car now has giant, rainbow wings and a foam cannon in the trunk

biologically speaking I’m not a dad, but any time a diner’s menu has the drink or salad misspelled as “CEASER” I can’t stop myself from asking whoever I’m with if they think it comes paired with a “DESISTER”

the world’s already in shambles; end all your professional correspondence with “surf’s up”, you cowards

MY BRAIN: man you are the WORST, it’s only a matter of time before you’re exposed for the FRAUD you are. everyone still remembers that time you called the teacher “Mom” and you’re not very good at guitar or Mario Kart

ALSO MY BRAIN: and you deserve a lil treat. maybe a pizza or some online shopping

not for vanity or health reasons, I’m always at the gym because I hope to one day be a contestant on The Price is Right and to spin the dollar wheel with such effortless force that they have to cut to commercial mid-spin and Drew Carey lets me try on his glasses

✅ got 7 full hours of sleep

❌❌❌ thought about if Rihanna was from Rhode Island and the song was called “Umbreller”

net negative, it’s like I somehow lost hours of sleep from the night before

asking as someone provide AMPLE field research, how is every part of a car not modeled after the seatbelt clasp? I have slammed every car door on every seatbelt I’ve ever interacted with for my entire life and not a single one of them has ever had a scratch to show for it. indestructible wizardry

this is just like that Bill Withers song “Lovely Day” just without the lovely part

thinking about leasing one of those long-shuttered & ultra haunted Pizza Hut buildings and opening a Pizza Hut inside of it. could be the move

I just wanna do Kool Moe Dee cosplay, wear a bib and get stabbed in the gums for 40 minutes or so. Instead I gotta go to this dentist’s appointment. Ugghhhh life is WAIT WHAT

A younger, more naive version of me, not realizing how good life could’ve been if he bought or stole this t-shirt from Winners. It features the Tasmanian devil with a backwards baseball cap wearing denim in denim with his arms crossed. Just sick as hell. Disgusting amounts of drip, what was I thinking??

I saw this shirt in 2022 and have regretted not buying it ever since

Springsteen? guy’s in his 70s. if he’s not Springsadult by now when will he be?

explains his speech pattern (all vowel sounds sliding across swallowed, undigested steak bites)