Guy no lie I’ve been sweating so bad today that I stink so bad I don’t even want to be near me

Dude, I did make pizza. You wanna see pictures?

Usually I like orange anything but orange beer is kind of gross.

I’m not much of a bean guy. I think I fart enough.

When I have a salad, it has a bunch of cheese and hard boiled eggs on it.

I’m carrying hot dogs.

I was watching King of the Hill. It was the episode when Hank is constipated. When he finally pooped, I teared up a little.

#pantspile

Remember Judge Mills Lane? I loved that show; it was amazing.

I went home and ate hard boiled eggs last night. And pickles. And hot dogs.

I just got a tear in my 1,000 thread count sheets. They're purple, they're amazing! Feels like I should be shooting porn.

I feel like I have too much hair for a wig.

I used to have purple sheets. They got a big rip in them.

You know what’s a scary thing? Standing at a urinal and knowing you have to sneeze.

I haven’t had 5 guys in forever.

I'm gonna be drinking Hawaiian Punch ALL. FUCKING. NIGHT.

I tried a new Smart Ones tonight...meatloaf. It was pretty good.

Do you want to know the name of the body spray I wear? Wolf Thorn.

I'm off tomorrow, so it's just gonna be fuckin' tacos and margaritas.

I can’t wear bracelet watches…too hairy.

I’m bringing in a bag of jelly beans tomorrow.

Me: Hey mom...what's that corner of the kitchen by the back door? Where we keep the food?
Mom: You mean the pantry?
Me: Yeah!

I've been wearing the same pants for the last week and a half.

I shouldn't have had that whole Jack's pizza for lunch.

Fuck sour apple skittles.

I see everything. I’m like Jesus and a ninja all wrapped in one.

I have to go grocery shopping tomorrow.
I like grocery shopping. Grocery shopping used to make me really depressed.

I used to mix my beef stew with my Jell-O when I was little.

May have to go see Captain America after bingo tomorrow.