Jimmy (no longer a dad in training) 🧔‍♂️✅

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Friends who like eating the same kind of cuisine together are called taste buds

Hah!!

Anniversary dinner with my incredible wife tonight.

2 years 🥹

Your butt is so big that

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As long as you don't ask for directions in the comments

Is there a more male* experience than fucking up wrapping a gift and being forgiven for it?

*Does not solely apply to men, but it's the stereotype

Oh only one more episode to go.

What a school report! :-p

Blimey Chad Powers (Disney+) keeps getting better and better

How did you get so good??

Successfully got an anniversary present ✅

Had to wrap it myself and my obvious lack of coordination ruins it ❌

You have to fully spell out "Sausage and Mash" otherwise it gets a little kinky

You have to fully spell out "Sausage and Mash" otherwise it gets a little kinky

My wizard's sleeve is huge here

I wonder if Dr Ape has ever made some of these

Happy Extra-shot-of-coffee-because-the-world-is-terrible for anyone who celebrates 🥰

Most days I wake up with a Start.

Start is what I name my seasonal depression that spans all of the seasons.

The waiter forgot my order.

Apparently it "was a missed steak"

You never hear a yogi say

"That's a bit of a stretch"

Have previously been denied a job because I'd "be great to have a beer with"

Everyone is talking about AI and not enough people are talking about BU...

BU-themostbeatifulgirlintheroominthewholewideroom

Just been to the sperm bank.

Was a bit wank.

Today I went on the flying fox (zip line for kids in Australia) to act like I was in my 20s again. Didn't get hurt.

#Winning

I am
Laughing way too hard at this 😂😂😂

Thought this would do much better, but maybe I'm just igneous.