Changed my number. New email. No forwarding address. I am officially unreachable, I think!!

The world’s loudest cricket is waging psychological warfare against me

It’s over! Still have a lot of anxiety but it’s time for an era of healing and self love and joy!

In 3 hours I go back to the house with movers and a police escort to get all my things. I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared. But I am SO ready for this to be over!

Hi back!!!

Let’s gooooo #promosky
🔮Lord of the Rings
🪦Goblincore aesthetic
🔮Witchcraft
🪦Stardew Valley
🔮Alice in Borderland
🪦Hazbin Hotel
🔮The Elder Scrolls
🪦Cozy Games
🔮Plants
🪦Cooking
🔮Frogs
🪦Demon Slayer
🔮My dog

So, after getting that all out, I’m still feeling anxious but also feeling a lot more positive about things. I won’t post pics until me and my dog are 100% safe, but I would love to make some friends on here. Promise not to trauma dump!

I’ve been up since 5 am. After getting like 3 hours of sleep. The feeling of being in limbo is killing me. I hate lying. But the thought of talking to her makes me spiral. I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know if I’ll get to meet with my case worker today. I wrote letters to her and her mom, but my family has very mixed opinions on if I should message them and right now I feel completely incapable of making a decision on my own.

The anxiety of having to talk to her is eating me alive. As evidenced by this thread of posts. I called her on Saturday. Yesterday I blocked both her and her mom so it would look like I didn’t have cell service. But she’s going to be pissed about yesterday.

I have too many possessions in that house and I refuse to just leave them. I bought so much for that house because again, I’d put myself further into debt so she didn’t have to have a feeling. I have movers already set up to come and pack everything and move it here. I just need the apartment

My hotel stay that I paid for ended yesterday. The agency booked me in a different hotel for two weeks with the goal that I’ll be in permanent housing by the end of it. And the emotional whiplash has been overwhelming. Because she still doesn’t know I left.

But I packed the essentials and left. That was Wednesday a week ago. I met with the agency on Friday. The original plan I had was I ask them for help with apartment applications since I have no official rental history. But they listened to me and told me that I wasn’t going back to that.

I lied about the trip. I said that it was because I needed to sign paperwork to close out my parents estate in person and then I was going to stay and visit with my family. And I didn’t know what to expect when meeting with the agency. Because I still felt guilty for reaching out to them.

Then another meltdown. This time she said if I ever tried to leave, she would kill us all. And maybe she meant it as a joke but it was the final push I needed. I booked a hotel stay and reached out to a domestic abuse agency the next morning.

I just word vomited everything. And that’s when my therapist said - you’re in an abusive relationship. Everything I endured for the past 4 years was abuse. And it took a day to process. Because she never hit me. We weren’t romantic. I didn’t feel valid.

I felt my sanity slipping. I had no one to talk to. I could only talk to my family while I was driving and I didn’t go out much anymore. So I made a therapy appointment and I guess I sounded unhinged enough that they got me in the next day.

She told me to go back to my state alone because she was never leaving the house again and she was going to rot in bed until she died. I talked her down, but the next day it happened again. This time over a light switch.

She came home from the trip to the phone store and immediately went into her room and slammed the door shut. She blamed her mom for everything from the T-Mobile guy asking questions to there being traffic on the ride home. She threatened to walk into traffic in front of her mom.

Then, the week from hell happened. 5 full on meltdowns in 7 days. Even though they weren’t directed at me (mostly), that was the breaking point. She got an iPhone because I have one & she wanted to share out locations. And didn’t get the phone she wanted. Because it wasn’t the most expensive option

I also lost the power to hold my pee. If I didn’t use the bathroom every two hours, I’d leak. And my doctor ran some tests and said it was caused by stress. And still I was thinking on how to manage this new version of life.

Her meltdowns were getting more frequent. She kept going off her meds and lying about it. Literally nothing was safe. If I smiled too slow, or didn’t laugh fast enough at a joke. I developed a spasm in my right eyelid.

And the last six months she’s been planning our future. We’re going to move to my home state together and live together as life partners. Every time it was brought up just felt like a weight in my gut. But I played along. Because my feelings didn’t matter as long as I could keep her happy.

I would have full panic attacks hearing her bedroom door open and just pray that she didn’t come to knock on my door. I stopped being able to sleep through the night. I would get 2-3 hours at a time. And if there was any kind of noise, I’d jerk awake immediately.

Ever since my birthday in June, I felt anxiety every single day. I would pray she was off her sleep schedule and I didn’t have to spend more than a couple hours with her. Because if she was awake, she expected me to hang out with her.

At the new one I was so careful not to be too friendly and not exchange numbers or anything. I didn’t even learn anyone’s name there. And my dog didn’t like this park nearly as much. His friends weren’t here and these new dogs were a lot more chill, which didn’t vibe with his gremlin energy.

The thing was, she wanted me to fold and not go. And when I didn’t, it became me choosing them over her. And choosing the dog over her. So after that, I stopped going to that dog park because I couldn’t endure the blowback from going there. So I joined another dog park.

The first dog park imploded because of three things. The almost move. Throwing my dog a birthday party and the now infamous dog park dinner. I invited her to the party and dinner. She was adamant that she didn’t want to attend either and hated those people.

She hated my dog. Blamed him for everything. And to be honest, sure. I can agree with that. But it’s because this dog gave me hope. He was the reason I made connections and felt some kind of friendship after years of suffocation. And I knew that I could never leave him alone with her.

The amount of groveling and promises and just emotional labor was exhausting. And it is still brought up at least once a week. It doesn’t matter that she pushed me to that point. She is incapable of taking accountability for anything so she blamed it on me, her mother and of course my dog.