Ali

Gentle reminder that chives and green onions are NOT the same thing.

Send me an unhinged email and I’ll come out swinging.

If you saw me walking down Broadway crying, no tf you didn’t.

Morgan Wallen sounds like a baby back bitch.

If Trumpty-Dumpty is working with the Russians to screw up America, he's doing a great job. Eggs, $11 a dozen. Health & Human Services down the dumper, ditto VA. If you call Social Security, they tell you to call back later. Guys 'n gals, this is more fucked up than Peter O'Toole on his birthday.

Popcorn ceilings make me violent.

Gentle reminder to clean out the filter in your hair dryer.

I dropped off my ballot on my walk to work. I love this city!

“Why don’t they play popular music at the Super Bowl anymore.”

— Man who thinks 1996 was 10 years ago.

that’s right.

If a bar plays LDR on repeat I’m getting drunk and crying.

The joy of discovery

I wish Tom Brady would stfu.

i’m ngl chat, i’m really scared about the future

I scream you scream we all scream. The end.

angrily confirming that, yes, physical exercise does improve my mood and sleep

Deleted X and I feel like a bad bitch.

If it talks like a ____, if it salute's like a ____, then it's a ____

Skims pajamas are on, I’m not leaving this house.

Do the straights intentionally walk slow?