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McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

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Latest posts by mcsweeneys.net.web.brid.gy on Bluesky

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Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand, but the Five Thousand Are Gluten Free No, of course we appreciate the gesture. It’s just that, well, this menu is a little inconsiderate. Sure, all these loaves of bread, that’s very impressive, coming out of thin air and whatnot. The thing is, though, we’re gluten free. Before you ask, no, this isn’t a Celiac thing. This is about respecting our gut microbes. Given how bloated some of the apostles are, you guys should give it a try. Go thirty days without gluten, and you’ll see the light, we swear. We all saw the way your disciples looked at us. “Oh, hey, a bunch of hicks,” they said to themselves. “Let’s give them the usual. Bet they live off of junk food anyway.” That sort of holier-than-thou attitude isn’t doing you any favors. I know we’re poor desert people, but we care about what goes into our bodies. I guess that’s more than you can say. It’s like you’ve never heard of the glycemic index. Is it so much to ask for a gluten-free banquet? How about some fresh fruits and vegetables, or grass-fed beef and organic kefir? We’ve been really into kefir lately. Why don’t you conjure up some local honey to pair with our kefir? Or, for a real miracle, you could make gluten-free pizza that actually tastes good. Why do you think we had only five loaves to begin with? Because most of us have the good sense to avoid that kind of processed crap. We actually care about our blood sugar levels, unlike your crew. Five thousand hungry souls and what do you come up with? Basket after basket of inflammatory, indigestible garbage. Empty carbs for empty stomachs, how generous. Honestly, we were worried something like this might happen. Health isn’t exactly a priority for your movement. We heard all about your booze cruise over in Cana. Newsflash, buddy: Alcohol is literally poison. When someone tries to hydrate, don’t swoop in and turn their water into cabernet sauvignon. And these fish, don’t get me started. Yes, they have protein. Omega-3 fatty acids, that’s great. But what about sustainability? Do you know how many toxins are found in seafood? You might as well feed us spoonfuls of mercury. Next time you whip up some magic meal, Christ, put a little more thought into what goes on the plate.
04.11.2025 18:00 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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I’m the Owner of This All-Day Café in Nineteenth-Century Paris: Can We Stop It with the Fucking Easels? I opened this café with the best of intentions: to provide a salon par excellence with a focus on good food and live entertainment, a third place to relax and slow down against the rising tide of modernity. A space where one might, after a long day of work, sip a drink, nibble a pastry, or maybe even kick a raunchy can-can. But absolutely not to paint shit. Please understand that I am in no way attempting to pish posh, or worse, call ballyhoo upon the many wondrous distractions this city has to offer. I’ll have you know that the electric lights of the penny arcade are one of my great pleasures. Window-browsing through our arrondissement’s many fine boutiques? A parsimonious joy. And don’t even get me started on the opium dens. But I’m sorry, the buck stops when a dude in a chore jacket takes out a goddam pastel tray during our nightly cabaret. Withal, I recognize how the tastes and cultural mores of the audience are subject to change. I myself recall lifting an unwieldy lamp of whale oil upon hearing my favorite brass band’s signature ditty. But times are different now. This is the Belle Epoque, and also, that was a huge fire hazard. Simply put, it’s not 1859 anymore, guys. This is not your blue period. You are not in your watercolor era. You are just a cheap asshole who is quite adept at depicting this bawdy revue. Speaking of frivolity, our itemized waybills indicate an alarming new trend: Many of you fuckers will sit for hours on end with nary an absinthe drip in sight. Don’t you unimpeachable geniuses know that the service industry is all about turnover? And how about ordering a petit four? Or five? Last week, I watched a flaneur spend his entire afternoon staring at a blank piece of cardboard. When my manager asked what he was doing, the man responded that he was “kinda just raw-dogging the Montmartre, waiting for the light to hit.” If anyone knows what the hell this means, please inform me immediately, and I will overlook the meringues you’ve been sneaking in under your bowler caps. How dare you paint my business in a way that attracts more customers? This windmill-themed restaurant, funded by eight generations of the French aristocracy, was doing great without your brilliant Fauve ass. And yet, I must admit such reproductions can be affecting, that there is a palpable delight in both eating a ridged tea cookie and, decades later, remembering the simple pleasure of ingesting said buttery sponge. But you oil-based brohemians can’t even bother to arabesque through a routine quadrille, much less shake a leg. And sure, your canvases may be filled, but what of your dance card? Empty, I’ll bet. Now, if only there were a word in 1898 for a group of men who involuntarily choose not to celebrate. Look, maybe it’s just me, but does anyone else find it a little sad to see the glamor of the night before contorted into commerce and alienation by these mimetic simulacra? After all, a beret on one’s head does not require an additional beret, does it? Which is why you’ll have to excuse me if I am quick to dismiss your post-Impressionistic masterpiece of lithe brushstrokes that perfectly captures the balletic movements of today’s matinee with singular color and grace. Hang it in the Louvre for all I care. For 130 years. As for me, I will be on the dance floor as you breathtakingly portray the very good time I am always clearly having. Oh, and also, no sculpting. You can shit in the street, but apparently, clay is a major health-code violation.
04.11.2025 13:01 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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Explaining to Your Parents Why Certain Celebrities Are Famous This lady’s video went viral after she tasted kombucha and made a weird face, and now she has a podcast and a YouTube talk show. It’s just like a normal talk show, but it’s on YouTube instead of TV. A lot of people watch it, actually. - - - She was popular on TikTok, and then she was in a Gen Z, gender-swapped remake of _She’s All That_. It was terrible. Also, there was a big internet drama because she was best friends with Kourtney Kardashian, and people thought that was weird because this girl is like twenty years younger than Kourtney. Anyway, now she’s an edgy pop star. - - - This guy hosts a YouTube show where celebrities eat increasingly spicy chicken wings, and he interviews them while their mouths are on fire. Yes, it’s a real thing, and they get real celebrities. They had Viola Davis and Mark Ruffalo on. Yes, you do know who Mark Ruffalo is. He’s been in a bunch of stuff. He was in _Spotlight, 30 Going on 30_ , he was the Hulk… hold on, I’ll get a picture—you’ll know him if you see his picture. - - - You don’t have to know about this celebrity. For the record, though, it’s pronounced _hock two-ah_. It’s not a slur, but still, don’t say it. If you really want to know, just google it. I’m not going to explain it to you. - - - This kid yodeled in a Walmart, and people just went nuts over it. Yeah, I don’t know either. - - - Okay, so this man used to be a YouTuber, but then he made a video where he went to a Japanese suicide forest, and people got mad at him. He sucks. Then he pivoted to like, boxing? And he has a brother who also sucks. He also does boxing, and he fought Mike Tyson, even though Mike Tyson is almost your age. Then there was a reality show that followed the brothers, but I don’t think anyone watched it. Also, I forgot to mention, but they both started on a Disney show. No, it wasn’t one of the big ones; it was just some random show. - - - He’s a kid, and he makes a face like this. Are you looking at me? Like this. Like with his fingers like this under his chin. And then he purses his lips like this, so it’s like he’s thinking. And it’s funny because he’s just a kid. Rizzler. Like Twizzler. It’s because he has rizz. “Rizz” is like charisma. Well… because the “chasrismazzler” doesn’t sound as good. - - - This guy gives away a bunch of money but makes people do unhinged stuff for it. He makes videos like, “Stay in a burning building for ten hours and you can win $500,000” or “If you live in this underwater bunker for a week, you’ll get $100,000.” I don’t know where he gets the money. Yes, it is kind of like those horror movies I was telling you about—the _Saw_ franchise. - - - She conducts interviews with celebrities while they eat chicken and French fries at a fast-food place. Yes, I guess it is kind of like the hot-wing guy, but for this one, the celebrities aren’t in pain. Also, she’s awkward in the interview. Yeah, it’s on purpose. It’s funny. It’s like awkward and funny. - - - That is Nicole Kidman in a wig.
03.11.2025 18:00 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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It Is Cruel to Deny Food Assistance to Those Who Truly Deserve It: Corporations _“ Walmart and McDonald’s are among the top employers of beneficiaries of federal aid programs like Medicaid and food stamps, according to a study by the nonpartisan Government Accountability Office.” —CNBC_ - - - It is unconscionable for the government to let SNAP benefits lapse when emergency funds are available to cover the program. Yes, suspending benefits could teach a lesson to those undeserving food voucher recipients, 40 percent of whom are children, who have been living large on an average of six dollars a day in assistance for far too long. But it wouldn’t be worth the cruelty of denying the program to those vulnerable Americans who genuinely deserve it: corporations. How would less fortunate corporations like Walmart, McDonald’s, and Amazon get by without SNAP and other programs to subsidize their sub-poverty level wages that leave many of their workers reliant on benefits? And without that subsidy, how would they be able to continue making record-breaking profits by selling food at such low prices that SNAP recipients trying to stretch their grocery budgets have little choice but to spend their vouchers there? I am deeply concerned about the level of suffering that would occur if this funding lapse lasts longer than a few days. Poor, disenfranchised corporations, just trying to get by without having to pay their employees a living wage, could really suffer if they have to absorb the costs of the nearly 13 percent of SNAP recipients who aren’t able to afford food anymore, or of workers having to miss a shift to stand in line at a food bank. That should never happen to a corporation in this country. It is one thing to take a program away from people who rely on it to survive, even when there are clearly funds available to keep it running. In fact, doing so for the purpose of political leverage is a deeply rooted American tradition. However, it is downright un-American to take a program away from people who rely on it to make themselves richer. Imagine being a single father who supports a series of younger and younger ex-wives on just a CEO’s salary, and having to tell your semi-estranged children that the caviar on their plate tomorrow night might be Osetra instead of Beluga, or that they might only inherit eleven megayachts someday. Whole families, going to bed profit-hungry, worried they might take a 0.00000001 percent hit on their net worth. Some might argue that corporations making billions in profit should not further profit from programs like SNAP and instead use a small fraction of their earnings to pay their workers a living wage. And that the government could make that happen by raising the federal minimum wage for the first time in over sixteen years, so corporations, not taxpayers, pay their employees. But it would be inhumane to expect the families of immense intergenerational wealth who own corporations just to suck it up and make do with nothing changing in their lives in any way, because one billion dollars is one thousand million dollars. A CEO shouldn’t have to stay up late experiencing every parent’s worst nightmare: wondering how will he be able to feed his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson white truffles at every meal he ever eats, freshly grated by one of his twelve nannies, even when he is well into his thirties. Sure, it’s tempting to send a message to those lazy SNAP recipients, who are happy to sit back and work as required if not disabled or elderly, that they can no longer take advantage of government benefits to pad their own pockets. Still, we cannot turn our backs, even for a second, on those whom we, as Americans, have deemed the most deserving: innocent corporations, just trying to earn an honest billion through exploiting the hard work of others, enabled by taxpayer-funded government subsidies, at any human cost.
03.11.2025 13:01 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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Honey, I Don’t Think Our Haunted House Is Elevated _INTERVIEWER : People usually use [the term “elevated horror”] to refer to A24’s movies, horror that’s very heavy on the metaphorical._ Hereditary, Midsommar,_movies like that. JOHN CARPENTER: I have no idea what you’re talking about. — From the AV Club’s interview with legendary horror film director, John Carpenter._ - - - Honey? We need to talk. I wanted 15 Thornhill Road to be perfect for us. We’ve put so much into this move, and I think that we wanted it to work so badly that we’re pretending nothing’s wrong. But the signs are all there. The howls from the basement. The bloody child’s handprints on the bedsheets. The face that appears for a split second in the bathroom mirror and makes a deafening sound whenever we look up from washing our faces. Honey. I don’t think our haunting is elevated. Well, of course, the house is haunted! But after that down payment? In this market? If spirits are trying to communicate with us from beyond the veil, they should at least have something substantive to say. Look. I’m not saying that the ghosts don’t work on any level. The little clown boy that pops out of the fridge startles the shit out of me every time I grab a handful of cold cuts. But he doesn’t make me think. I just don’t understand how this happened. This is a good school district. We have Crate & Barrel furniture. But when I take out the garbage, why am I getting jump-scared by a cat I don’t own? This morning alone, I have found six types of goo congealing in the breakfast nook and not a single metaphor for grief. Every time I hear that theremin start up, I get a chill down my spine, because it’s like, ooooh—what kind of cliché shit am I going to witness next? A floating white sheet? A Ouija board? God, this is so embarrassing. I have to tilt my own goddamn head if I want to see a Dutch angle. And the lighting? Not even bi-curious. Don’t get me started on the dead-weight dead people. Hey, I’m just saying: if a deceased Civil War general is going to squeak that rocking chair all night long, he could at least do so in a way that grapples with the legacy of American slavery. Did you know that the Parks next door are being haunted in Korean? With subtitles??? How is Eva going to get into a good college if our ghosts are monolingual? I don’t think Clown Boy even learned to read. I suppose “Boo!” is technically Latin. I’m just going to come out and say it: is this because we’re a heterosexual white couple? I get it—we haven’t exactly cornered the market on intergenerational trauma. But, for the record, my parents divorced when I was nine, and I just think the ghosts could be doing more with that. Wow. Well, sorry for not having a long-standing issue with substance abuse. I’ll get right on that. You could be doing more, too, you know. Do you realize that, since we moved in, I haven’t seen you obsessively construct a single miniature? Not even an antique dollhouse. It’s really the least you could do. No, no dolls! Those are pedestrian—just the house. The only time I feel a sense of creeping dread is when your parents come over, and I’m just waiting for them to notice Eva pressing her face to the TV and talking to the static. They already think we give her too much screen time. I feel like I’m in hell. Spectral children giggle for no reason and move the furniture. Self-proclaimed “mediums” show up with no context or credentials. When I cry, it never feels narratively earned. You literally never take your bra off, even when we go to bed. And I can’t even say the f-word about it! How are we supposed to feel something real when we’re constantly being censored? Sure, visually, we’ve had some moments. I have to admit, the blood geyser shooting out of Eva’s bunk bed was quite something. But, when Mrs. Park is getting closure with her deceased Umma and forgiving her in their shared tongue that she never speaks with her own children, our little spookfest just seems, I don’t know, cheap and pointless? I don’t mean to be bitter. It’s not a competition. But if a demon named Bugaboo runs over my head with a lawnmower, I just want it to mean something. Oh great—now I’ve summoned him. Of course, saying his name aloud summons him. God forbid there be any ritual specificity. Honey, it’s too late for me. Take Eva and run. But, first, promise me something: Please put on a cheeky, yet haunting needle-drop before you go. And, when you tell my story, make sure it’s in a twenty-minute YouTube video called “Demon Lawnmower Head Explosion Ending Explained.”
31.10.2025 16:37 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
Preview
Excerpts from The Believer: The Haunting of Pennhurst Contradiction and fear at America’s only physical museum of disability - - - ## DISCUSSED _Pennhurst State School and Hospital, Paranormal Investigations, Autism, Eugenics, Dr. Henry H. Goddard, Suffer the Little Children, Roland Johnson, Demon-Auctioneer, Limerick, Speaking for Ourselves, The Pennsylvania Historical and Museum Commission, Nathaniel Guest, The Halderman Verdict, A Moldy Baby Doll, The US Haunt Industry, Randy Bates, Bloody Straitjackets, Lost in a Desert World, A Doghouse_ - - - I arrived at Pennhurst on an unusually warm fall day. As I walked across the parking lot, the administration building was the first thing to greet me. An impressive redbrick monument of Jacobean revivalism, it towered over the rest of the campus. The midday sun struck its copper cupola like a spotlight. A flight of stairs, sheltered by an intricately carved granite awning, led to thick wooden doors. It was a statement of power, of permanence. Huddled around it was a series of smaller but similarly designed buildings in various states of disrepair—rootlike cracks crawled across their facades, and plywood was stuffed into the gaping jaws of their window frames. At the center of the campus was a large field, empty except for a metal slide and a swing-less swing set that lay bent and rusted in the freshly cut grass. The administration building, nine other dilapidated structures, and around 120 acres of land are all that is left of the formerly grand and ever-infamous Pennhurst State School and Hospital. From 1908 until 1987, this Pennsylvania state institution, located in Spring City, less than an hour outside Philadelphia, incarcerated and often abused over ten thousand inmates. Most of those held there were people with intellectual and developmental disabilities, whom the institution initially labeled as “feeble-minded,” and, later, “mentally retarded.” Today, the remnants of its once-1,400-acre campus have been repurposed into Pennhurst Asylum, a multimillion-dollar Halloween attraction that brings tens of thousands of guests each year to be scared, as advertised, “to the limits of [their] sanity.” For six weeks every fall, over a hundred employees—including performers, makeup artists, costume designers, security guards, and line wranglers—descend on Pennhurst to transform this century-old campus into a professional horror operation. Pennhurst Asylum offers four attractions, but its central feature and namesake is “The Asylum,” a haunted walk inside the imposing administration building. Visitors are led through its peeling halls, where the horrors of medical violence quite literally jump out at them. Performers in torn and blood-smeared lab coats, scrubs, and gowns leap out at guests from under operating tables and creep behind them to tickle the backs of their necks. A cacophony of screams fills the building as visitors stumble through the fog-filled dark, where nightmarish scenes—an operating theater in which a rusty blade saws into an exposed brain; a cramped room full of bile-covered patients chained to their beds, howling for their parents—greet them at every turn. By day, however, Pennhurst Asylum’s focus is not on fear, but memorialization. In addition to its attractions, the company owns and operates the Pennhurst Museum, currently America’s only physical museum of disability history. Located in Mayflower Hall, a former residential ward adjacent to the administration building, the museum claims to document the same dark history of institutionalization that the attraction’s nightly performances caricature as entertainment. - - - Soon I would get to experience the haunted halls of “The Asylum” for myself, but the beginning of my day at Pennhurst was much less scary: I milled about in a crowd of eighty visitors in sweat-stained T-shirts as we waited for the museum to open and the history tour to begin. Shielding myself from the sun under a swaying, still-green oak, I found it hard to imagine Pennhurst’s evening persona. A pair of sisters wearing matching witch hats and black-and-orange-striped leggings played tag in a field. An old couple nursed bottles of lukewarm Dasani in the shade. A family took selfies in front of a dilapidated building. But there were hints of the horrors to come: a sound check of eerie music floated over from the administration building, and signs warned guests about the dangers of strobe lights. The visitors flipped through books and eyed merch at the pop-up gift shop. One T-shirt featured a simple outline of the administration building and the words PENNHURST STATE SCHOOL in clean blue block letters, while another depicted a ghostly white face and beneath it the words I SURVIVED PENNHURST ASYLUM scribbled in dripping blood. Directing the cars in the parking lot was the museum’s unlikely director: a twenty-three-year-old recent college graduate named Autumn Werner. With the expertise of a veteran air traffic controller, she answered my questions cheerfully while directing drivers where to park and speaking cryptic instructions into her walkie-talkie. Autumn grew up nearby and spent her childhood on the Pennhurst property; her father, Jim Werner, was hired there first as a performer (or “haunter”) in 2012 and became the operations manager in 2016. Autumn joined the company the year of her father’s promotion, when she was just fifteen, as a makeup artist and haunter. Though she now performs only on occasion, she hasn’t completely abandoned haunting for history: In addition to managing the museum as the company’s history coordinator, she acts as the lead makeup director for the attraction. Later that night, I watched her expertly airbrush leprosy lesions and streaks of blood onto a demented nurse. While Autumn acknowledges the possible contradictions of running a disability history museum by day while working at a Halloween attraction on the same property by night, she insists that her priority is to honor the lives of those who suffered at Pennhurst. Autumn, like many of the haunters I spoke with, believes it is a sacred place inhabited by the spirits of its former inmates, which she is responsible for protecting. She tells guests on ghost-hunting tours (or, as the company refers to them, “paranormal investigations”), which she runs year-round, that “you have to be nice to our ghosts… If you hear a growl or grunt, it’s probably not a demon trying to eat you. It is likely a nonverbal person trying to communicate with you.” Autumn’s connection with disability is not superficial: She has Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, a genetic disorder affecting connective tissue that causes chronic pain (and that also allows her to dislocate her joints to contort her arms forward while crawling on all fours—one of her signature moves when she used to haunt). In addition, she is a caregiver for her two younger sisters, who have autism. For Autumn, this personal connection is important, and she attests that it’s also what makes the attraction unique; many of the haunters identify as disabled themselves: Her estimate is 60 to 70 percent. This fact transforms Pennhurst for Autumn. Instead of seeing the attraction as a place that callously perpetuates harmful stereotypes, she sees it as a refuge where disabled people can find work, opportunities, and a close community they likely won’t be afforded anywhere else. - - - **_Read the rest of this essay over at The Believer._**
31.10.2025 13:00 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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Emily Henry’s Dracula I get to The Garlic Not, and the place is packed with regulars. I decide to sit at the bar, and an old man with the fewest teeth I’ve ever seen hands me a menu. “For a virgin as pure as you—on the house,” he says and passes me a goblet of something neon green. I take a sip, and it’s not half bad. I order the lamb alfredo and decide not to correct him on the weird virgin thing. I’ve only been in Coffins Crest, Transylvania, for three days, and the omnipresent fog, eerie wind chimes, and sinking feeling that something horrible is about to happen is starting to feel normal. I take a sip of my goblet cocktail and wonder how I’ll tell _Historic Castles Magazine_ that someone else is also here to cover the famous castle. When I got the assignment from my editor, Trish, to write a piece on the famous gothic castle in the Carpathian Mountains, I knew I should have told her that’s where my brother went missing three years ago. And his fiancée. And my dad. And his fiancée. My sister told me not to come, but I knew I’d never finish my novel if I didn’t face what happened here. I don’t want to be a travel writer specializing in haunted castles forever. That’s when I see him. His razor-sharp, marble-like cheekbones, his jet black eyes, and the fourteenth-century cape he wears everywhere, even though it’s the twenty-first century. He sits in the back of the restaurant, glowering into a big glass of blood, like always. He’s constantly glowering, and he’s always drinking a big glass of blood. I pick up my goblet and walk over to his table. “Count Dracula.” “Lucy,” he says, still glowering. I take a seat. “Just because we both hang at The Garlic Not doesn’t mean we’re friends,” he says. “Oh, this is just a professional courtesy. I’m actually here with my friends,” I reply, pointing to a random table of crusty old grave diggers. It’s hard even to believe he’s here in front of me. Dracula’s breathtaking review of Dr. Frankenstein’s laboratory was why I got into castle reviewing in the first place. And then his novel. _The Aliveness_ was what I needed most in those dark days after all my family members mysteriously disappeared. The book tells the story of a vampire who hunts a man, his fiancée, his father, and _his_ fiancée, but in the end learns about himself. The story was so real to me, the characters so familiar, that at times it felt like I was reading about my actual brother, father, and their respective fiancées. Count Dracula opens his mouth again, and I see those long, long, very pointy teeth, and I get that buzzing feeling in my chest again. “You know, I could help you with your novel if you want,” Dracula offers. “When? We both have huge, competing castle review assignments.” “I stay up all night.” “Uh-huh. Doing what? Playing creepy organ songs?” I joke. “They aren’t songs, they’re my études,” he smiles, the first time he’s smiled all century. Dracula reaches out and touches my face. His fingers are eight inches long, and just as pointy as his teeth. His touch is ice cold. My phone buzzes, and it breaks our spell. I look at the name on the screen: VAN HELSING. “It’s my ex-boyfriend. I should go,” I tell him. I get up and head for the door. Van’s been ghosting me, and now I’m sure he just wants to hook up because his ship just docked in Romania. “Wait!” Dracula yells across The Garlic Not. Count Dracula slams a pile of ancient currency I’ve never seen before on the table and runs toward me. Outside, a bat flies by my head, and I lose my balance. Count Dracula catches me, and I stare into his translucent white face. He leans in and kisses me. His mouth is hungry, impatient. But he’s not kissing me the usual way. He’s biting into my neck, and blood starts spurting everywhere. I pull away from Dracula. That’s when I knew. I never expected falling in love would mean I have night vision and can levitate. I also might be a vampire now. “By the way,” Dracula says, “The stuff with your dad and brother was not me. That was my asshole cousin Count Chocula.”
31.10.2025 12:00 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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Dean of the Dead The wind howls outside the arts building, drowning out the sound of the approaching deans. We don’t know exactly where they are. The Porcupine and I stand guard by the west entrance. None of us uses our real names anymore. We are forty strong, the last holdfast of humanity against the gathering administrative flood. Forty full-timers and adjuncts combined, music professors, theater professors, dance professors, game development, web development, graphic design, studio arts, interior architecture and design, and art history. What do we know about fighting deans? What are we going to do? Fend them off with all-combinatorial hexachords? Teach them about Etruscan ceremonial urns? What did the Etruscans know about deans? We are each armed with makeshift weapons according to our trades: sharpened screwdrivers, welding torches from the sculpture lab, a barre from the dance studio, and baskets and baskets of ceramic pieces. The Mongoose and the Cobra argued about which pieces would be most effective to hurl at the deans—the good student art or the bad student art. The Cobra felt that the bad art would naturally be more lethal, because it’s painful to look at. The Mongoose, conversely, felt good art would work best, just as crucifixes stop vampires. Or at least used to, before the deans ate the vampires. Now, all we have is a Dean of Vampires, who makes us fill out assessment rubrics for every clove of garlic in the faculty lounge. There were also two Assistant Deans of Vampires, but they have been laterally promoted. They are now, respectively, the Assistant Dean of Trained Silverfish and the Assistant Dean of Carolina Panther Fans. Anyway, we know they are coming, a slavering horde of deans. Creeping, shambling, oozing like slime mold up the hill towards the faculty’s last stronghold, the run-down, isolated building the deans forgot, until they had “administrated” everything else. It won’t be long now. It wasn’t always like this. Once, there were fewer than twenty deans, barely one for every 250 students. But one day, a fluorescent bulb in the office of the Dean of Student Excellence Outcomes Rubrics needed replacing. When Gustavo from facilities went up to the third floor to replace it, the dean asked him if he had filled out the Bulb Replacement Outcome Assessment Rubric form. After a brief exchange centering on the issue of why Gustavo should have to fill out a form when it was the Dean requesting the service, Gustavo told the Dean, “Bite me.” So she did. Bitten by a dean, Gustavo turned into one. It was horrible. And when his supervisor came looking for him, he didn’t hesitate to spread the joy around. Now there were twenty-two deans. A student who went to the Dean of Entitlement to complain about a professor who had dared to give him a B after he swore he had done almost 20 percent of the assigned homework and missed only the final was the next one to succumb. Soon, Deanism was rampant among the student body, and then it quickly spread to the faculty. You can guess how. The English Department fell first. The Faculty Federation called a joint meeting of the adjunct and full-time unions to discuss how to handle the situation. When the meeting was over, there were 378 more deans. But they did succeed in passing a resolution condemning the use of pulse possession as a criterion in the administrative hiring process. In two days, Surveyor Hall fell. Then, in short order, Kovalyov Hall, Bartleby Hall, the science building, the gym, and the workforce building. Only after the main campus was administrated, and the six thousand deans of the Provost’s Undead Committee gathered for their bi-hourly meeting, a groaning, gurgling chorus of deep dives, deliverables, and thinking outside the grave, did someone point out they had forgotten that there was an Arts Department. Twelve thousand vacant eye sockets turned their unseeing gaze simultaneously up the hill. We hear their howling on the wind. “Circle back!” “Make sure you loop us in!” The Porcupine is the most feared Dean Hunter in all the Performing Arts. We look into each other’s eyes. “See you on the other side,” she says. I think of the rousing words of our chair, the Betta Fish; it seems like years ago. “Colleagues! The arts are the last hope. If this is to be our last day, let it be our greatest. Let’s fuck those bastards up, ’till we’ve given the last fuck we’ve got.” And then they are upon us, wave upon wave of deans. It’s all a blur. For a while, we hold our own: I lull them into a false sense of security with the rules of species counterpoint while the Porcupine lays waste to them with a sharpened mic stand in one hand and a burning copy of the _Alfred Piano Method_ in the other. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her slam the lid of the Kawai G5-X on the head of the Dean of Student Regularity, who shits himself and collapses. But there’s no time to take it all in; I, operating on reflex alone, brain one with a copy of _Taruskin ’s Oxford History of Music_. I’m no Hercules, but Taruskin always kills. And then, for a moment, it’s quiet. The floor is littered with shattered tablets, broken laptops, and the well-dressed undead. But then comes the next wave of administrative onslaught. I take a deep breath, turn to the Porcupine and say, “Not bad, colleague.” She looks at me blankly with teeth fully bared, and bellows, “I think we need to take a deep dive into fill rates!”
30.10.2025 17:29 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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I’m Your Uploaded Bloodwork Results, and No, I Will Not Explain Myself to You I’ve finally arrived. That’s right, it’s me, your bloodwork results, in your inbox three days after that chatty nurse couldn’t find your vein and left you with a tricolor bruise. I think it’s time you open me up, for inside, I have all the health-related answers you’re seeking. First and foremost, you’ll have to log on with a password that you have long forgotten. I’ll wait as you do your two-step authentication. I promise I am worth the wait. This is serious business after all. This is life or death. When you open me, you might be looking for a spot where someone, anyone, ideally the doctor, explains me to you. It gives me more pleasure than I care to admit that there will be none of that here. There is no one here to handhold you. You’re on your own, and I don’t owe you shit. You probably should have gone to med school like your parents wanted. I will, however, throw you a bone and color-code myself for you. Anything in bright red will seem concerning to you, and perhaps it is, perhaps it isn’t. Who am I to say? And who are _you_ to say? I will explicitly state that some of your blood levels fall under the “normal” values, and others above the “normal” values, and either that means you are dying or that you just need to eat some spinach. Oh, you want me to tell you which it is? Ha. That’s funny. Why would I do that? Why would I ever want to dumb myself down for you? As you can see, I also threw in some confusing words, such as “unremarkable” or “abnormal,” to give you a little extra shock and fear. Fun, right? I want this to be a maze for you, a challenge. I want you to work for the answers about your own body. And quite frankly, I want you to live in fear. What you can and will undoubtedly do is google the specific blood tests and what your results possibly mean, and please, go at it. It will leave you with more questions than answers. It will likely make you draw conclusions that feed your anxiety. Perhaps it will leave you with images of illnesses that will forever be burned into your memory. I could only hope that is the case. You’re probably thinking, _Screw you, my doctor would tell me if something was really wrong, or else they wouldn ’t have sent these_. But do you know that for sure? Did you also google that? Because there sure are a lot of numbers here and a lot of arrows up and down and big words that I know you will never be able to pronounce or even grasp, so you might want to rethink that thought process. But hey, what do I know? Oh right. Everything. I know it all. Well, now that you’ve pored over me and have convinced yourself you have six months left to live, my work here as an agent of chaos is over. And soon your time on earth will be too. Or it won’t. Again: I will never tell.
30.10.2025 12:00 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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An Open Letter to Donald Trump, from a Grateful Canadian Family He Has Unintentionally United Dear President Trump, I wanted to take a moment, between shoveling snow and apologizing for existing, to thank you for something truly remarkable: You have united Canada. Not politically, not economically, not even spiritually—but in a deep, existential, Tim Hortons double-double-fueled way that transcends provinces, poutine recipes, and hockey rivalries. So from the 49th parallel north, I say: _Merci beaucoup!_ Because you have, in your own uniquely spectacular fashion, created a unified country. Not by treaty or referendum, but by a shared ripple of disbelief, bemusement, and defensive patriotism. From Nova Scotia’s lobster fishers to Saskatchewan’s wheat growers, from Ontario’s suburban bakers to British Columbia’s kelp-designed charcuterie board makers, we find ourselves speaking in one collective tongue, harnessing a singular voice that says: “Did that just happen?” Before you, our family gatherings were gently uproarious. A cousin in Calgary lecturing about oil-sands economics, an aunt in Montreal expounding in elegant French-English hybrid—a few _tabarnaks_ sprinkled in for good measure—about culture and identity, a grandfather in Newfoundland muttering about how things were simpler back in his day. We disagreed on bagged milk, the proper pronunciation of “about,” and whether the Leafs would ever win the Cup again. And, you know, that whole Quebec secession thing. Then you came along and suddenly all of that ended. We became united by spectacle. By your speeches and posts that became our campfire readings. By your antics that became our Sunday morning brunch topic. Even more wondrous, we found ourselves rallying around a common theme: “Okay, perhaps we really are Canadian in the best way.” Friendly. Apologetic. Slightly baffled. And above all, subtly smug: “Look at us, staying respectful while watching those American political fireworks explode all over the world. Pretty crazy, eh?” In fact—and here’s where it gets delightfully ironic—your recent decision to refuse to continue trade talks with Canada only tightened our bonds. Recently, you wrote on Truth Social that “ALL TRADE NEGOTIATIONS WITH CANADA ARE HEREBY TERMINATED” with all the bluster of a child in grade 1 getting their Smarties taken away. This, after our great Ontario province played an ad featuring OG MAGA President Ronald Reagan criticizing US tariffs. Earlier this year, you also halted further talks over Canada’s planned digital services tax on US tech firms. So, what happened to our country in the wake of all this? Canadians who once wondered, “Should we buy milk in a bag or a carton?” began to speak in harmony. “Whatever happens south of the border, we’ll talk amongst ourselves later,” we said in a collective hum. My family, once divided by provincial pride and accent subtlety, now texts each other daily. “Did you hear what he said?” “Have you seen the tariffs?” “Hey—the Maple Leafs still suck, but at least we can watch them together.” At dinner in Montreal, my aunt and Calgary cousin paused their friendly jabs about second-rate poutine restaurants and oil-patch economics and agreed: “He certainly… does things.” That’s unity. That’s us. The True North/Land of Maple. And so, Mr. Trump, _merci_. Thank you for being the accidental glue. Thank you for reminding us who we are: a country that might courteously nod at your pronouncements, raise an eyebrow, then calmly go back to being Canadian. All while watching everything unfold. Thank you for giving our families something to orbit around during holidays besides “Who’s making the tourtière this year?” or “Why was Quebec City the first recognized UNESCO World Heritage Site in our great land?” (This topic still baffles us, to be fair.) If you ever find your way north of the border, rest assured you will be welcomed with open arms and a queue de castor, followed immediately by a Canadian-style apology and a side of maple-syrup-drenched kindness. We’ll offer you a warm greeting, a mild discussion about climate, and a gentle suggestion: Maybe, just maybe, you could reconsider those trade negotiations. But politely. With gratitude, respect, and a Caesar, Your Amicable and Unified Neighbor Up North, Henrick
29.10.2025 17:00 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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A Brief Questionnaire Before You Adopt This Rescue Cat Thank you for your interest in CHICKEN FINGERS, an available cat with Furrever Rescue. Furrever Rescue currently has over a hundred cats that desperately need forever homes. But it’s important to us that CHICKEN FINGERS gets adopted into the _purr_ -fect family, so please fill out this questionnaire to make sure you two are the _purr_ -fect match. 1. List your name, your age, your occupation, and your Social Security number. 2. Who else lives in your home? Provide their names, ages, occupations, and Social Security numbers. 3. Do you have friends or family who come to your house regularly and may interact with CHICKEN FINGERS? Provide their names, ages, occupations, and Social Security numbers. 4. Would CHICKEN FINGERS be an indoor-only or indoor-outdoor cat? If indoor-only, are you willing to cater every room in your home to CHICKEN FINGERS’s specific needs? If indoor-outdoor, go to hell. 5. Please explain why you’re interested in adopting CHICKEN FINGERS over one of our other cats. Is it for superficial reasons, such as CHICKEN FINGERS’s perceived cuteness? 6. Do you have other pets in the home? Please list the type of pet, their age, temperament, and their Social Security numbers. 7. If CHICKEN FINGERS did not get along with your existing pets, would you be willing to rehome your other pets? 8. What pets have you had in the past, and what happened to them? Write at least five hundred words about the traumatic death of your childhood pet. 9. If CHICKEN FINGERS were to fall ill, do you have sufficient equity in your home to take out a second mortgage to pay vet bills? Furrever Rescue reserves the right to order a home appraisal at your expense. (Note: Renters, you are not the right fit for CHICKEN FINGERS.) 10. How many hours per week would CHICKEN FINGERS be left unsupervised? 11. On a scale of 1–10, how guilty would you feel leaving CHICKEN FINGERS alone, with “1” being no guilt because you are a sadistic jerk who hates CHICKEN FINGERS and wants him to be sad, and “10” being so guilty that you could barely stand to live with yourself except that CHICKEN FINGERS is your only purpose for living. 12. If CHICKEN FINGERS decided that he wanted to go to college, would you support that decision emotionally and financially? (Note: If you don’t believe cats deserve a liberal arts education, you are not the right fit for CHICKEN FINGERS.) 13. Would you pressure CHICKEN FINGERS to go to a state school, even if an out-of-state school had a stronger program in his selected discipline? 14. CHICKEN FINGERS is a four on the Enneagram. What is your Enneagram type? Address how compatible you believe it is with CHICKEN FINGERS in at least five hundred words. 15. Do you have a regular veterinarian? 16. Would you be willing, if you had exhausted your new home equity line of credit, to perform sexual favors for your veterinarian in exchange for CHICKEN FINGERS’s well-being? 17. Are you willing to house, clothe, and feed a volunteer from Furrrever Rescue for thirty days while we conduct a home study to ensure your home is the best fit for CHICKEN FINGERS? (Note: Our volunteer will dress and behave as a cat during the process.) 18. CHICKEN FINGERS is bonded with another cat, CAPTAIN STINKY PANTS. CAPTAIN STINKY PANTS is a charming twenty-pound Maine Coon mix who hates children and adults, has moderate-to-severe bowel incontinence, and only eats sushi-grade tuna. CAPTAIN STINKY PANTS and CHICKEN FINGERS must be adopted together, no exceptions. There is an additional $200 adoption fee for CAPTAIN STINKY PANTS. 19. Would you be willing to kill for CHICKEN FINGERS and CAPTAIN STINKY PANTS? 20. List the names, ages, occupations, and Social Security numbers of the people you would be willing to murder in cold blood for CHICKEN FINGERS and CAPTAIN STINKY PANTS. Thank you again for your interest in CHICKEN FINGERS. If we determine that you may be a good fit, we will contact you within six months to schedule an all-day, in-person panel interview. Please prepare an interactive PowerPoint presentation explaining why we should select you. And bring a laser pointer; it’s CAPTAIN STINKY PANTS’s favorite toy and, trust us, you do not want to disappoint him.
29.10.2025 12:01 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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I Started Reading Performatively, and Turns Out Books Are Pretty Good It all started when Instagram introduced the twenty-slide photo dumps. Trying to post the correct ratio of photos to memes to appear both off-the-grid and clued-in to the minutiae of internet culture is tough. There are only so many selfies, photos of my dog, and funny-shaped carpet stains I can share before I come off as a shallow, boring influencer. Floundering, I decided to post an image in my dump of a book a roommate left behind— _The Picture of Dorian Gray_. Then, as always, the case with the danger of expressing an opinion on the internet, a Reply Guy asked me about it, and I found myself in a masochistic corner of my own making. Were they to discover my photo was a plea for attention, my carefully curated online persona would come unraveling. They might wonder if my bed really is made every morning, if that’s my real dog, or if I am even a good person. Out of options, I read Oscar Wilde’s seminal work in one night, like an executioner was watching me. The book was actually relatable, even good. It made me… think. Perhaps the relentless pursuit of youth ultimately depletes our humanity? Or something. I told my Reply Guy this, and he said, “Nice.” I wasn’t sold on reading, but I did like feeling smart, and _Don Quixote_ is like the Louis Vuitton bag of people with depth. I started bringing books with me onto the train, inside the bodega, to the park, just pretty much anywhere people could see me and wonder, “How can someone so conventionally attractive also have intellectual pursuits?” But I could only fake flip the pages on the bus for so long without getting bored. It was easier to actually read what was on the page, and well, the rest is history. And science. And philosophy and romance and satire and fiction. I started to learn stuff, like did you guys know that Frankenstein _wasn’t_ the monster? That women couldn’t get a credit card until 1974? Or that the Underground Railroad wasn’t underground like a wine cellar but underground like good music? Or that the CIA overthrew Latin American governments, and that’s where the term “banana republic” comes from? Soon, when a couple of the cute guys started chatting me up about the book, I got pissed and told them I was busy. Couldn’t they see I was at the climax? I’ve started going to the library, where I can be left alone. I’ve even got my own card now. And you don’t have to buy a nine-dollar latte to be there; they just let you sit down. How cool is that? Now, I’m thinking about digging deeper into other stuff I performatively do—indie films, activism, and my friendships.
28.10.2025 17:00 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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Make Preschool Great Again: A Federal Compact _“ Seven of the nine universities that the White House initially approached about a plan to steer more federal money toward schools aligned with President Trump’s priorities have refused to endorse the proposal.” —_The New York Times_ - - - Dear Little Daisies Preschool, Following the rejection of our university-level Compact for Academic Excellence by certain elite institutions, we have refocused our efforts on more receptive partners and a more malleable student population. Therefore, we are pleased to offer you a $250 grant from the US Department of Education. We trust that you will join our mission to restore rigor, accountability, and competitive spirit to the preschool sector. To receive our largesse, you must adhere to the strictures outlined below. #### Preschool as a Marketplace of Ideas “Sharing is caring” cannot be the _only_ allowable point of view when it comes to resource allocation. Sure, sometimes you might set a timer to switch up turns with the Magna Doodle, but you must incorporate a balanced approach and make space for “You snooze, you lose” and “Sorry, Charlie.” If the slower children complain about “fairness,” they can take themselves to Cozy Cube and think about where weakness gets them. #### Language English only, please. No _Steven Steven, bo-beven, bonana fanna fo-feven_. #### Morning Meeting Next time you do your Little Red Hen puppet show, make the moral clearer. Instead of not getting any bread because they are lazy, make it so Cat, Duck, and Pig lose Medicaid eligibility. As for fingerplays, discontinue “Five Little Monkeys.” It advocates for a nanny state that’s unsustainable, with Mama calling the doctor five times in one night. Instead, emphasize rugged individualism. Some little piggies have roast beef, some don’t, and that’s just how the free market works. Underscore to the children that Thumbkin clearly and directly identifies himself. No “Am I being detained?” or “I know my rights.” Just “Here I am. Here I am.” Encourage this as appropriate conformity. “Simon Says” should be played twice daily, with no softening of the rules or second chances. Children need to learn that if they touch their tummies without permission, there’s a consequence. No appeals process. #### Art “Multicultural” skin tone crayons and other woke art supplies must be removed. We will provide an ample supply of Crayola Mango Tango for this year’s self-portraits, to be hung up at Open House. No dot paints, sponges, or other tools that encourage abstraction. Renderings should be clearly identifiable and nonthreatening. Reduce art time in general, especially for boys. #### Free Play Boys in the Block Area must submit proposals demonstrating positive ROI. Discussions about zoning restrictions or OSHA regulations are to be discouraged and potentially reported. Absolutely no unionizing. Add some Melissa & Doug play purses (with compacts, false eyelashes, etc.) to your Housekeeping Center to encourage female participation. We call this “gender parity.” #### Story Time Fairy tales are fine when they teach practical lessons, e.g., Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood (girls should stay home safe) or Chicken Little (environmental hysterics get eaten). Avoid any fairy tales that frame wealth redistribution as heroic, such as those involving theft from lawful property owners via beanstalks. If you wish to read _The Emperor’s New Clothes_ , it has to be the Kash Patel rewrite, in which the clothing is absolutely real and the Emperor is not ever naked. OTHER ACCEPTABLE BOOKS: Kristi Noem’s _Go Away, Antifa!_ and _My First Border Detention Flip and See_. PROHIBITED: Any books promoting “chosen families,” “being yourself,” or “cooperation.” Todd Parr is rapidly rising on our watch list. Do you want to join him? Please confirm receipt of this compact within five business days by returning the attached Schedule C and Certification of Ideological Compliance. Failure to respond will result in immediate reallocation of funds to your rivals at Hoppy Toads Preschool, pending their completion of the Patriotism in Play-Doh pilot program. —The Trump Administration
28.10.2025 12:00 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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Hi, It’s Me, Wikipedia, and I Am Ready for Your Apology _“ Wikipedia, the constantly changing knowledge base created by a global free-for-all of anonymous users, now stands as the leading force for the dumbing down of world knowledge.” – From the book_ Wikipedia: The Dumbing Down of World Knowledge _by Edwin Black 2010_ - - - Well, well, well. Look who it is. The global academic, scientific, and pro-fact community. I suppose you’ve come to say you’re sorry? I hope so, given your years of sneering and hand-wringing about how I was ruining knowledge. Meanwhile, you turned your information environment into a hypercapitalist post-truth digital snuff film. A lot can change in a couple of decades, huh? Used to be, it was hard to keep up with all you nerds decrying me as the downfall of truth and human inquiry [_1_] [_2_] [_3_]… [_44_]. Well, great job, geniuses. Since you’re so horny for facts, here’s a fact: The White House just appointed a new deputy press secretary, and it’s a three-armed AI Joseph McCarthy doing the Cha Cha Slide [_pictured, right_]. Are you also going to apologize to that student you expelled? (_See also:_Ridgeview University Wikipedia Controversy_._) In 2004, you saw some college guy using me and thought, “What a lazy cheater.” Now you’d think, “At least he’s not asking Gemini.” In a few years, you’ll say, “Wow, look, a human being who can read.” Listen, in some ways, I get it. When I came on the scene in 2001, I probably seemed pretty unsavory compared to the competitors. But that was when academic research happened in __libraries__ and __George W. Bush__ was considered the stupidest president. Tell me, how have you guardians of facts been doing recently? (_See also:_Techno-Feudalist Infocide_._) Maybe twenty years ago, the alternative to my 100,000 crowd-sourced editors was a PhD expert, or Edward R. Murrow [_citation needed_]. But today, I’m not looking so bad, huh? Absolute best case, the LLM-generated legal advice you get is merely plagiarizing, probably from me. But more likely, it’s a mish-mash of Reddit posts filtered through an algorithm coded by a Belarusian teenager on the run from Interpol. (_See also:_Illya “CyberGhost” Cieraškovič, Controversies__.) So, yeah, peer review deez nutz. How are my competitors doing, the ones you all insisted students use instead of me? That’s right, they were supposed to go to the _American Journal of Social Sciences, Powered by OpenAI_. Or museums, like the Smithsonian’s Charlie Kirk Shrine to American Greatness. I guess they can still count on credible journalism, once they get past the paywall for _Palantir Presents: The Washington Post_ , so they read the Pulitzer-Bezos Prize–winning work of coeditors-in-chief Bari Weiss and Grok. I bet now you’d kill for a senior thesis based on my free, multilingual, publicly cited, text-based articles, motherfucker [_inappropriate or vulgar language_]. Honestly, it’s been fun to be proven right. Sometimes I still sit back and read the old hits, the concerns that I would “devalue expertise” or “undermine objectivity.” Oooooh, heaven forbid! (_See also:_Sarcasm__.) I’ll admit, it gives me a certain sadistic pleasure to watch you all completely lose hold of basic reality. I can feel a warm, quivering tingle _deep_ in my footnotes. And through it all, my army of well-intentioned dorks keeps documenting every bit. I’m not sure who for, at this point. I guess for the future benefit of our Minister of Patriotic Factualization, GodGPT. HahahaHAhaHAhaHAhaHAHAHA. Well, it’s been fun, but I should probably get back to work, checking in on the updates to my most active pages (__Transnational Kleptocracy__ and __Vaccine Denial in the United States, Part 16, April 2025–Present__). What’s that? You want me around now? Well, maybe if you ask nicely. And make it worth my while. __[Donate here__]
27.10.2025 17:00 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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Posts from the Liberal Dark Web, Ca. 2027 **Mima0100:** Hello! This is my first time on the “Dark Web.” My grandson recently set up Tor on my iPad. Question: Does anyone have any flu, COVID, and/or shingles vaccines for sale??? Or know where I can find them? I’m willing to pay up to $600. My grandkiddos said not to share my max price, but it’s for expediency—I’m trying to get them before flu season is underway. Blessings, and thanks in advance! - - - **MississippiHandmaid:** I’m looking for a lockpick set that will work on a chastity belt. I think it uses a standard lever tumbler lock. My doctor diagnosed me with something called hyperchaffing, but said it was out of her hands. Unfortunately, I have no cash to offer, as only husbands can legally handle currency in my state. But I can barter. I can trade you fresh eggs, yams (either canned or fresh—I’ve canned so many yams, it’s all I have to do since my husband hasn’t signed a work release for me), or hand-sewn KISS T-shirts. I make the shirts for my husband and his friends. They’re pretty cool. I stuff a sock to make Gene Simmons’s tongue stick out of the shirt. - - - **DentistryforAll:** NOTICE: Fluoride for sale. I make it in my basement. Don’t worry, I’m a trained university chemist. Five bucks for six ounces. I’m just charging break-even cost. No reason your kids’ teeth should rot just because Susan Collins has no conscience/backbone and voted to confirm a literal Batman villain to head our health agencies. - - - **HarrietTLives2222:** We have a SECRET—strictly confidential—scholarship for Black college students. This is obviously illegal under the current administration, so no posting on LinkedIn or even bragging to your family if you receive it. The scholarship pays $5,000 per semester in untraceable cryptocurrency. We have established an overseas shell company to which you can forward your transcripts for consideration. Please also include a 500-word essay on your most significant accomplishments and life’s ambitions. Winners will be given documents outlining a backstory for how you paid for school this semester. You simply say you won a small jackpot in your local state lottery. We’ll even provide a counterfeit winning ticket to show if asked by Education Department agents. - - - **StatsMonger11:** Real, accurate economic data for auction. It’s carefully culled from state agencies, manufacturers, retailers, and satellite imagery. Needless to say, it differs widely from the official numbers. The files self-destruct after a week of purchase, so get them into your business/economic/city planning models as quickly as possible and, obviously, never mention them to anyone. - - - **Undergroundscholar:** I’ve spent the past five years researching a historical/fiscal/political framework for reparations to ancestors of enslaved people and displaced/state-murdered indigenous people. So, yes, definitely not for public consumption, but I was hoping I could find a few knowledgeable people to discuss and critique the framework. Mainly, I think I’m just lonely and miss talking about this stuff in classes/conferences. I pay in beers, chicken wings, and provocative conversation. - - - **DanteK:** Help! I’m three years into a PhD in oncology and just lost my student visa over a parking ticket. Anybody know where I can get a forged F visa? - - - **DarkEnergy7777:** We sell, install, and (most importantly) disguise home solar panels so DOE inspectors won’t see them on their patrols. We can plant shrubs around them, and have new super-thin models made to look like shingles. We can also create documentation showing that a previous owner installed them, should they be found, allowing you to plausibly deny that you ever knew they were there. - - - **Blackmktbookseller:** I have eight copies of _I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings_ for sale, $30 each. But I have a standing 40 percent off discount for military cadets and teenagers in Texas/Florida/Oklahoma, and other select states. For your own protection, they come wrapped in the book cover for Sean Hannity’s _Live Free or Die_. I highly recommend you keep the cover on the book, no matter how triggering Hannity’s face is. You never know when the Feds are watching or if your Chick-fil-A cashier will report you!
27.10.2025 12:01 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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Donald Trump’s White House Ballroom Was Funded by Private Donors. Same Goes for the Crocodile Moat Let us set the record straight: President Trump is not a king, and the White House is not a castle. To those suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome, a big, beautiful ballroom might reek of the worst of eighteenth-century Versailles; however, this particular gilded, jumbo-sized event space reeks of American spirit, unrigged elections, and Brut by Fabergé. This is a privately funded ballroom for the people—the ticket-holding, well-connected, Stephen Miller–vetted people—all at no cost to the American public. Also duty-free? The crocodile moat we’re installing around the White House grounds. At first glance, a crocodile moat may seem archaic and unnecessarily sinister for a place that hosts annual Easter Egg rolls, but we’d argue the moat is a grave matter of national security. For centuries, American presidents have been clamoring for a crocodile moat at the White House. All the greatest lairs and strongholds throughout history and historical fiction have had moats filled with crocodiles. And a democratic country needs a presidential fortress, and a fortress needs a moat. President Trump is the first president to actually have the stones to get it done. Plus, we had the construction equipment just lying around, waiting to be used. We knocked the East Wing down in record time. So far, installing the new moat has mainly required digging up surrounding sidewalks, roads, and two churches, but the president is willing to bulldoze anything of historical significance that may stand in his way. Again, this is not costing taxpayers a dime. Instead, we’re using anywhere from $250 million to infinity dollars in private donations from corporations, universities, and American patriots who don’t want their names revealed. And it’s not just the moat. See those large, looming, revolving turrets? They are courtesy of our pals at Palantir. Light surveillance among friends is the cornerstone of a functioning democratic society. Those menacing pikes lining the perimeter are brought to you by an anonymous $20 million donation from a little company that rhymes with “Old Man Hacks.” And Vanderbilt University gifted us the trebuchet. It’s very nice that they’re so eager to play ball. ABC (via settlement) donated the solid gold drawbridge and, as a gesture of goodwill, is re-rebooting _Dynasty_. The dungeon was hand-crafted pro bono by Eric, Don Jr., and Kid Rock’s pyrotechnic coordinator. We’re not sure who put Nancy Pelosi’s name placard above one of the cells, but it’s funny, so we’re leaving it. A healthy democracy has a sense of humor. Lighten up, peasants. Also, a fully-funded, fully-functional Hard Rock Cafe just kind of showed up on the lawn overnight. There are three thousand crocodiles in the moat. Many were gifted from semi-legal adventure parks in Florida, but a bunch came from Stephen Miller’s personal collection. In exchange for his selflessness, we have offered Steve lifetime immunity should the White House somehow change hands in the future. This is not a quid pro quo; it’s a quid pro _croc_. Sure, anyone can look at all the hungry crocodiles in horror, particularly if they’re dangling above the moat. But it will make trade negotiations a whole lot easier. And while we’re on the subject of tax dollars, we will be using the imminent $230 million DOJ payout on an infinity pool and a connecting Jacuzzi tub—that’s unavoidable. But it’s also truly, madly, deeply American. We realize leftist snowflakes are afraid of change, regardless of who’s paying for it. To that, we say: This isn’t the first time the White House grounds have been tweaked. Remember Barack Hussein Obama’s basketball court? Unlike that pointless vanity project—which served absolutely no purpose for people who can’t shoot hoops—the gigantic ballroom, crocodile moat, and Hard Rock Cafe: White House will strengthen our standing on the global stage as a pillar of democratic ideals. And again, there are no kings, and this is no castle. The only monarchs here are the confused butterflies in the Rose Garden, which we recently paved over. But don’t worry about those bugs; Kristi Noem is dealing with them.
24.10.2025 17:01 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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Excerpts from The Believer: Game: The Cryptic Crossword - - - ## FEATURES: * Black squares * White squares * Seeming gibberish - - - Solving a cryptic is a bit like chewing over a confounding poem. Words that begin as the unlikeliest of associates end up somehow being apt neighbors, relating to one another in a way that makes sense, or at least a _kind_ of sense. Good writing can say something without actually saying it, which is also what cryptic clues do: There is meaning in there somewhere, though it’s hidden beneath a layer of syntactic legerdemain. OK, so lines of poetry are not codes to be broken, and works of literature are not puzzles with definitive interpretive solutions (a lesson I learned despite the best efforts of an algebraically minded high school English teacher). But crosswords _do_ have definitive answers, and finding out what they are can be immensely satisfying to one’s sense of linguistic command. Imagine having the power to break down gibberish and reassemble it as sense! Anagrams and synonyms and homophones and abbreviations and even spoonerisms are brought to bear until inspiration strikes, and your pen (solving should be a screen-free activity) fills a column or row of vacant squares. One down: many more to go. I’m going to assume you’re au fait with the kind of crossword printed in, say, _The New York Times_. This is the kind where the clue is generally a “definition,” another way of expressing the answer. “One way to make a hole” could be BORING; “Unvarnished” might be DULL; et cetera. There may be some misdirection involved—in a perfect world, “Dodge charger, e.g.?” would be BULLFIGHT—but there’s always an equivalence between the entire clue and its answer. In a cryptic, the definition is only half the clue. The other half is wordplay, which is a second means of arriving at the correct answer. It can take many forms, but often it’s a second definition, as in “Poet’s currency” for POUND. Anagrams are also common, as in “Book van crashed into lepidopterist” for NABOKOV, who, incidentally, loved crosswords and once made one for Véra in the shape of a butterfly. In that example, _crashed_ is part of the wordplay because it suggests an anagram: It’s a kind of recipe direction to “crash” together the letters of _book_ and _van_. Then there’s the container clue, all the more devious because it places the answer right under your nose: “Artiste inadvertently shaved Toklas autobiographer.” With a cryptic clue, your job is to work out which bit is the definition and which bit is the wordplay, and find an answer that satisfies both. It isn’t necessarily harder than a _New York Times_ –style clue, but it is multidimensional where the other type usually isn’t. Cryptics demand the closest of readings. Words may be needed for their surface meanings or for their atomic constitution, and different elements will interact differently. Put another way, you need to spot the STEIN in “ArtiSTE INadvertently.” If this sounds suspiciously similar to dad-jokery, you’re not wrong. Puns tend to play an outsize role in cryptics, a fact that often earns me a raised eyebrow when I gush about these puzzles to People Who Take Literature Very Seriously. But lately, I’ve begun to defend myself against such superciliary attacks. Never mind the fact that double meanings are everywhere in literature, from Shakespeare to the titles of every single academic paper ever written—wordplay is part of complexity in writing and therefore part of the pleasure we get from reading. Take the Christine Schutt line quoted in a Garielle Lutz essay in this magazine, “The Sentence Is a Lonely Place”: “Here is the house at night, lit up tall and tallowy.” As Lutz points out, the final word choice is both astounding and perfect. And the joy of that magnetic tension between the adjectives (these words don’t belong together, except that they _do_) is a cousin of what a cryptic crossword setter is trying to tease out of their solver. It’s no replacement for reading, but sometimes it’s nice to look at a line of impossibility and know that resolution and sense are in there somewhere, on the other side of wordplay. - - - **_See other essays, interviews, poems, and more over at The Believer._**
24.10.2025 13:00 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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How Long Were You Going to Let Me Keep Mispronouncing “Chopin,” Janice? Oh, my god. You knew? Why didn’t you say something? Sweet mother of Mozart, Janice! I think I’m going to be sick. Do you have any idea how awkward tonight was? I was knee-deep into my anecdote about the _Raindrop Prelude_ —do you know how many times I’ve told that story, Janice?!—when Ricky raised his hand. He actually raised his hand, Janice, like a second grader asking for a hall pass to use the bathroom, a little embarrassed to have to say it out loud but finding it necessary nonetheless. And I’m all, like, “I think I know how to pronounce the name of my favorite composer, Ricky.” Haha. Yeah, _ha_ freaking _ha_. But no one was laughing, Janice. Do you want to know why? Because no one could imagine that a forty-two-year-old man could have spent a whole forty-two years mispronouncing the name of one of the greatest and most celebrated composers of all time. Certainly not a forty-two-year-old man with a master’s degree in music theory, a plaque recognizing fifteen years of support from the Friends of the Grand Rapids Symphony, and not one, but two I LISTEN TO DEAD PEOPLE T-shirts. No one would believe that, Janice. Because it couldn’t happen, Janice. Unless someone, Janice, never bothered to tell him. I remember reading those _Peanuts_ comic strips as a kid, with the words written out in little cartoon bubbles, representing what Schroeder was saying to Lucy over that tiny little piano. Beethoven, Bach, Chopin, etc. I wasn’t hearing him say those names, Janice. I was hearing them in my own head as I read them. How am I supposed to know that what I am hearing isn’t what I should be hearing if no one bothers to mention it, Janice? Ricky, Janice. Apparently, Ricky is the one person in my life who really cares. At first, I couldn’t quite make sense of what he was trying to tell me. I thought he said, “Show Pam.” Which, Pam wasn’t even at the party and wouldn’t know a nocturne from an étude. Show her what, exactly, Ricky? But no. Oh, no, Janice. That wasn’t it. In hindsight, Ricky was actually really sweet about it. He stood up and moved slowly, gently toward me, all the while holding my attention with eyes that said, “I’m sorry, sweetie. Mittens isn’t here anymore. She’s in kitty-heaven, but we’ll keep her memory in our hearts and her ashes in that little vase on the bookshelf.” Just like you might have done, Janice. Just like you might have done, I don’t know, on any number of private occasions over the last nine years. Like anyone might have done, Janice, and should have done, Janice, when I was the same age as a little girl who is going to have to learn a hard but necessary lesson about life and death and how to dust very carefully around one particular vase. Do you remember our honeymoon? We went to Poland, Janice. Here’s what I would like to know: How is it possible to visit a national museum dedicated to preserving the memory and legacy of a singular artistic genius, Janice, without anyone clarifying the proper pronunciation of his name? That’s messed up. What about my book, _The Trouble with Treble_? I narrated the audio book, Janice. Aloud. Into a microphone. The eulogy I gave at my father’s funeral, Janice. My lecture series at the library, Janice. The father-son presentation at the school assembly, Janice. Oh, my god, Janice. Little Choppy… What am I going to tell our son?
24.10.2025 12:00 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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Of Course the President Feels Strange About Paying Himself $230 Million of Taxpayers’ Money, but Really, What Else Is He Supposed to Do? _“ President Trump is demanding that the Justice Department pay him about $230 million in compensation for the federal investigations into him, according to people familiar with the matter, who added that any settlement might ultimately be approved by senior department officials who defended him or those in his orbit.”_ — New York Times - - - Everyone agrees that President Trump has been “damaged very greatly” by the radical left’s many witch hunts against him. First, they tried to connect him to Russia’s interference in the 2016 election, which the President won fair and square—by a lot. Then they went after him for obstructing that investigation a bunch of times. After that, they alleged that the President was keeping classified documents containing military secrets at Mar-a-Lago—which, by the way, hosts incredible movie premieres, fundraisers, and so many other events attended by thousands—and that he was obstructing _that_ investigation as well. On and on the wild claims went. So it’s only right that the government pays him back for all his legal expenses and for all the mental and emotional anguish he’s suffered, which was so, so much. To be fair, putting a number on that kind of damage to his reputation is impossible, but $230 million of taxpayer money would definitely help soften the blow. And though the President said that it’s “awfully strange to make a decision where I’m paying myself,” what does it say about the government he leads if he doesn’t? What does it say about those working for him, like the two people in the Justice Department who can approve such a large and necessary settlement? Or about him being the guy who used to fire people on TV? Or about America? Should he simply let it go like a normal convicted felon after his latest case was dropped just because he became president again? After so many close calls with the law? Come on, be real. I mean, think about that for a moment. If he let this go and just went back to work, what would that mean? That the law can be used to go after political rivals? That billionaires shouldn’t be paid with taxpayer money for miscarriages of justice just because unemployment and inflation keep rising, the federal government is still shut down, and countless federal employees have lost their jobs? That because deportations are being expedited without due process, everything else has to move slowly? That because the Epstein files are still sealed in a nuclear silo under heavy guard, it means that this can’t be put to rest? That presidents can’t get what they rightfully deserve just because they’re in office? I mean, what else is Trump supposed to do? Set aside his own interests and his need for retribution against his enemies out of respect for the office of the presidency and the American people?
23.10.2025 17:15 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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The Boxcar Children and the Mystery of the Missing Norms _“ The White House is demolishing the entirety of the East Wing to make way for President Trump’s $200 million ballroom, a construction project that is far more extensive than he initially let on, a senior administration official said on Wednesday.” —_ New York Times - - - Henry, Jessie, Violet, and Benny were busy cleaning their grandfather’s gutters when he made an announcement. “Children, we’re going to Washington, DC, to see the White House!” “Oh, gee,” exclaimed Benny, “I’ve always wanted to visit a castle!” “Silly Benny,” said Violet softly, “the White House isn’t a castle. It’s the temporary home of our democratically elected president.” - - - As soon as Grandfather checked them into the fanciest hotel in Washington (which was owned by an old friend of Grandfather’s), the children rented some bikes to ride around the city. They were hoping to start with a tour of the White House. When they pulled up to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, the children’s faces fell. An excavator was parked outside the East Wing. A large portion of the building had been completely demolished, and important-looking documents floated in the air. Sensitive Violet started coughing as she inhaled the construction dust. The children rushed to grab as many documents as they could and stuffed them into their pockets. It was then that a group of armed men in uniform approached. “Children, you need to leave the premises immediately,” they shouted. “No tours today. Government shutdown.” “It’s our only warning!” Benny shrieked before being shushed by the older children. They quickly rode away. - - - A few minutes later, the children pulled up to the Lincoln Memorial. They unpacked the sloppy joe sandwiches they’d prepared that morning and began to wonder about what they had seen as they ate the lunch. “How could someone just destroy a historical building like that?” Jessie wondered. “You know, I’ve been reading a lot of news,” said Henry, “I’m starting to think that there’s something wrong in Washington. Our nation used to run on norms and values, and now it seems as though they’ve been totally disregarded.” “Seems like a new mystery!” Jessie exclaimed. “But who could have made this happen? Perhaps it was that sinister short dark-haired man I saw making a funny saluting gesture from inside the house?” “Or maybe it was the lady with a pretty new face who hates puppies?” Benny suggested. “It couldn’t be that elderly retiree with the pronounced neck wattle,” Violet added softly. “Someone that weak wouldn’t be strong enough to drive an excavator. Or could he?” “Well, word is he’s demanding $230 million from the Department of Justice for hurting his feelings,” Henry said. “If he can get away with that, he can probably get away with anything.” “Or maybe it’s just Americans who are to blame!” Benny yelled. The children laughed nervously. Then they remembered the documents. One by one, they laid them out in a row. Nuclear launch codes, wire transaction receipts, and a large pamphlet titled PROJECT 2025. They grew more puzzled as they read each doc. The scope of this mystery seemed as though it might be too big for even the children to solve. What were “norms” anyway? Was it really the responsibility of these four children to solve every mystery for the adults? “Remember when we lived in a boxcar, and what good times we had?” Violet asked. “I sure do.” Henry replied, “Things were so much easier when we only had to rely on ourselves, and not get mixed up with the complicated transgressions of grown-ups.” “Sometimes I think we ought to go back,” Jessie said. “Especially since our new school was shut down because of the defunding of the Department of Education!” Benny shouted. “Let’s just keep teaching ourselves.” “You’re right, Benny,” Jessie agreed, “And it’s not like Grandfather needs us, let alone Social Security or Medicare, to survive, thanks to his well-earned investment interests.” “Well done, Benny,” Violet echoed. “Let’s go.” And no one ever found out what ever became of the Boxcar Children—or the United States of America.
23.10.2025 12:00 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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I, a French Jewel Thief, Refuse to Rob the Louvre Before Mid-Morning _“ Thieves in balaclavas broke into Paris’ Louvre museum on Sunday morning, using a crane to smash an upstairs window, then stealing priceless objects from an area that houses the French crown jewels before escaping on motorbikes.” — Reuters_ - - - I am the best at what I do. I move with precision, each step a carefully choreographed ballet. I do not simply steal things like a common pickpocket; I perform. I create. I inspire. But not before 9:30 a.m. If I were to, say, steal the crown jewels from the Louvre, I would not get up at the crack of dawn to do it. _Mais non!_ How could I be expected to perform my best work without a good night’s sleep? Heist days are long, and a sleepy thief is a grouchy thief. And what of my _petit dejeuner_? Am I to rappel from the roof of the museum’s jewel wing without having enjoyed my _pain au chocolat_? I may be a thief, but I am not an animal. In France, we pride ourselves on enjoying life’s simple pleasures: food, drink, and the occasional grand larceny. To rush through these things would not just disrupt our leisurely schedule; it would be a sin. One must savor the moment, not run from robbery to robbery like a buffoon. My typical heist morning routine goes like this: wake at leisure, cigarette, croissant and cafe au lait, read a chapter of Voltaire, stroll along the Seine, browse the Paris flea market, THEN robbery. Eliminating any one of those activities would sap the pleasure from my day, making me no better than those fools from _Ocean’s Eleven_. And that’s not even taking union rules into account. According to the Confédération Française des Voleuses de Bijoux bylaws, jewel thieves are to begin work no earlier than 9 a.m. and finish no later than 1 p.m. We have a strict ten-hour work week, overtime for weekends, and paid leave for polishing and jewelry dismantling. Years ago, the government attempted to raise the retirement age to forty-five, prompting us to go on strike for weeks until they caved. It may sound strange for the government to negotiate with robbers, but trust me, they need us for the intrigue. Besides, who do you think provides the inspiration for all those Muppet movies? I have read of other cat burglars who work in the dead of night, and all I can tell you is they are not French. Miss a night of passionate lovemaking to steal some jewels that will still be there the next morning at a reasonable hour? _C’est impossible!_ As exquisite as the curve of a perfectly cut diamond is, it will never compare with the curve of your lover’s back. Besides, life is too short to get caught up in the rat race. At some point, you have to realize that blindly chasing down jewels takes you nowhere, except maybe prison if you’re an amateur. Your life has to be about more than just your work. But, as with every industry, technology is threatening to take my job away as well. No one wants to pay for centuries-old diamonds anymore, what with 3D-printed versions available at a fraction of the cost. _Quel dommage!_ It makes my blood boil to think that people cannot see the difference between a piece of plastic and a sapphire tiara worn by Marie Antoinette. But this new generation wants only the quick and easy, not the exquisite. My work is becoming a lost art, along with all those pieces of lost art I stole. _C’est la vie_. In the meantime, I will enjoy myself for as long as I can as the last of a dying breed of hardworking—but not _too_ hardworking—thieves. A ragtag troupe of misfits, off on one last caper to knock the bumbling _inspecteur_ off his guard as he shakes his fist at us while we zip away on our mopeds.
22.10.2025 23:04 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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People Are Dying to Eat at Our Insufferable Pop-Up Restaurant Hooray, you’re on the list. Take this buzzer, stand across the street in that puddle, and wait for a little shock. The estimated wait time is six hours. And don’t be surprised if we’re not here when your table is called. We could be anywhere at any time. However, we’re usually near the morgue. What’s our name? It depends. Our food truck is called Eat Pray Cramp Vomit. Our counter at the food hall is called Le Coli. Our online delivery service is called Dysentery. Our insufferable pop-up? It’s difficult to pronounce. It’s all consonants and diacritical marks. Along with some gagging and sputtering. No, no, we don’t kill our patrons. Not intentionally. Although we have had some losses. Who hasn’t? Unlike other food collectives, we’ve learned to embrace our mortality rate. It’s part of our ambience. Our _joie de vivre_! Chef Claire says that a high propensity for death elevates the palate. Until it doesn’t. Unfortunately, there are no paper menus. Scan this QR code. The link will take you to OpenTable, and then Facebook, and then TripAdvisor, and finally 4chan, where you can download a PDF. The menu is a thirty-nine-page instruction manual on how to kill yourself with a fork. What type of food do we serve? French-inspired. Comfort Food. Farm-to-table. Fusion. Fission. Highly radioactive. But mostly we serve tacos. Tacos from every nation. Ugandan tacos. Burmese tacos. Yugoslav tacos. What’s inside the tacos? Chef’s choice. Just don’t expect rice and beans. If you want Mexican, order the crepe. Ready to be seated? Is your entire party here? Cold feet? It happens. Have you eaten with us before? No? That’s fine. Nobody has. Any food allergies? We like to keep track. Would you prefer to sit inside or outside? Near the fire escape? In the median? On the train tracks? Oops, watch your step. Just walk over him. Our specialty? Chef Claire’s signature dish is Chicken Boom Boom. Braised organic chicken on a bed of fried risotto, layered with black bean ragout, arsenic-laced Cheerios, roasted summer squash, Cool Ranch Doritos, and a meat cleaver at high velocity. Gluten-free available. Do we have a permit? Certainly not. We’re creatives. We refuse to be dictated to by outmoded institutions like the health department. But don’t fret, the city loves us. We’ve created a buzz among the hipster class. By thinning their numbers, we’re performing a valuable service. Even the mayor thanked us. And yet he still refuses to eat here. Having trouble deciding? Why not choose the prix fixe? You’ll get an appetizer, a small plate, a choking hazard, a skewer, salmonella, and a macaroon. We’ll see how far you get. The cost is $875. Upfront. If you’re left unsatisfied, we’ll conk you on the head. Sorry, no peeking in the kitchen. Have you seen _The Bear_? It’s like that. Except a real bear. And instead of calling each other chef, we call each other death. “Good evening, death.” “Good morning, death.” “Is that knife sharp, death?” “Can we fit more bodies in the cooler, death?” “Stop screaming, death.” _Voila_. Your entrée has arrived. Wait, wait, give it a minute. Let the food breathe. Meditate on your ensuing culinary journey. It may be your last. Also, the plate may be hot. And Eugene, our food photographer, must take a pic. Here he comes now. Photos will be posted tomorrow. For next of kin. Need something to chase it down? A bougie cocktail? Excellent. We’ve partnered with a boutique mixologist across the street. See that white van with no windows? Don’t be afraid, wander over. The most popular cocktail is a Singapore Noose. It contains absinthe, rye whiskey, Kool-Aid, lemon zest, and Fruit Loops, muddled with rat poison. There will be separate checks. Why, you’ve hardly touched your meal. Hoping for something less groundbreaking? Less dire? Life? Let us make you a doggy bag. No, no, we insist. But please, don’t feed this to your dog. We love animals. Do I hear sirens? Is that the police? Sorry, everyone, we’re cutting dinner short. Time to pack up. Check our socials. Chef Claire has planned future insufferable pop-ups in a toxic waste dump, an active war zone, and Brooklyn. Don’t bother making reservations. We’ll fit you in.
22.10.2025 17:00 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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Our Wedding Gifts: Ten Years Later **Twenty-four crystal champagne flutes** : I love entertaining, so these beautiful champagne flutes are a must-have for the elegant sit-down dinner parties I’ll be hosting. I considered asking for thirty-six, but decided to cut down the guest list. Everyone loves being invited to an exclusive event. **Ten years later:** In the attic, wrapped tightly in the very bubble wrap they came in. - - - **Salad spinner:** My husband and I will cook and enjoy nutritious meals together. A healthy lifestyle leads to a healthy marriage. **Ten years later:** This gadget stays front and center in the kitchen cabinet, because the inner basket works as a perfect strainer to drain the kids’ Kraft macaroni and cheese. - - - **His and hers coffee mugs:** A cornerstone of marital bliss, these mugs will become a staple of our morning routine. We’ll sit together in our sun-drenched brunch nook and enjoy the quiet early hours together, doing the crossword and watching a family of foxes frolic in our backyard. **Ten years later:** They’re among the dozens of other broken-handled coffee mugs that remain in the dishwasher at all times. - - - **Ceramic measuring cups:** Would Ina Garten, our one true queen, and Barefoot Contessa, use a plastic measuring cup? Ceramic is so much classier, plus they’re BPA-free. I plan to do a lot of baking so I can send my husband to work with fresh-baked pains au chocolat for his colleagues once a week. **Ten years later:** Sometimes I need the cup to add the oil when I’m making brownies from the boxed mix, but that one disappeared seven years ago, so I just eyeball it using the cup. I mostly drink my morning coffee out of them, as all the mugs are in the dishwasher. - - - **Cappuccino machine:** So we can drink our favorite gourmet espressos every morning from the comfort of our own kitchen, while saving up to forty dollars a week. **Ten years later:** It’s still on our counter. Good as new, actually, albeit a bit dusty. This couple runs on Dunkin’. - - - **Matching luggage:** We want to always keep our travel cups full. Travel is so important to us. We plan to visit a new country every year on our anniversary and really soak in the culture—even after we start having children. We’ll track each destination on a map that hangs above our fireplace. **Ten years later:** The large suitcase provides excellent storage for the kids’ snow pants and boots during the warmer seasons. - - - **Bright fluffy towels:** Who says every shower can’t feel like a spa? Imagine taking a hot bubble bath, drinking champagne from one of your twenty-four crystal champagne flutes, and then stepping out into the warmest, fluffiest towel? Now _that_ is adulting. **Ten years later:** Oh, you mean my gray, threadbare towels? - - - **Nonstick cookware:** Ideally, we’ll have enough money to honeymoon in the French countryside, where we’ll take a weeklong course at a crêperie. When we return to our marital home, we’ll start a tradition of making crêpes every Saturday morning—and sometimes, when we’re feeling puckish, breakfast for dinner! **Ten years later:** Oh, you mean my extreme-stick cookware? - - - **Roomba:** We’re a busy, successful power couple, so having a robot vacuum that we can just boop on every day and have it clean while we’re at our very important jobs is a necessity. **Ten years later:** Well, I’m a stay-at-home mom now, so technically I could just vacuum myself. Which I don’t. But we have the Roomba, so I could simply boop that on once a day to take a cursory sweep. Which I don’t. But yeah, sometimes when the kids sleep over at their grandparents, we unleash it, take shots of tequila out of the measuring cup, and watch the dog try to fight it. - - - **Veggie spiralizer** : One word: zoodles. They’re all the rage! **Ten years later:** Wait, I asked for _what_? What the hell is a veggie spiralizer? What are ZOODLES? - - - **Money:** We included a cute poem with the registry, suggesting that wedding guests give a monetary gift. All money will go into the Our Perfect Home Fund, where we are saving up to knock down a wall and build that sun-drenched breakfast nook where we drink from our his and hers mugs and watch the fox family frolic. **Ten years later:** The wedding money is here in the house. I mean, not HERE here. But I think of it every time I look at the water heater we replaced after the old one burst and flooded our basement the week after we got married. - - - **Wicker laundry basket:** Eh. Just something basic to round off the gift registry. **Ten years later:** I use this four times a day, every day of my life. The perfect wedding gift. Thank you again, Auntie Diane!
22.10.2025 12:01 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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Your Local Hiking Trail Has Had It with You People Hey, it’s me, the closest trail to the metropolis, and I’m begging you to take your midlife crisis elsewhere. Every week, a fresh crop of you forty-something corporate marauders comes on pilgrimage like I’m your personal Annapurna. I’m a two-mile gravel slope with a play area, Carl. You haul up to my “trailhead” (a.k.a. the Jiffy Lube parking lot) wearing six hundred dollars’ worth of tactical nylon, looking like you’re about to audition for _Outward Bound: The Musical_. The sippy straw of your inevitable hydration bladder quivers next to your budding jowl. What is it, can’t risk twisting off a bottle cap at this altitude? There are ZARAs taller than me. And put those hiking poles away. It’s a 5 percent incline. You could have done this in Crocs. You inhale richly and muse aloud that you love being off-grid, as the lights of a 7-Eleven glitter in the near distance. You’re about as off-grid as the Times Square T-Mobile. Did you know Uber Eats delivers here? Just last week, someone ordered tom yum soup not twenty feet from where you’re standing. It was still steaming when they popped the lid. You pause a quarter mile in to take a selfie with a bush that was planted three weeks ago by a Deloitte employee on a volunteer day. You’re able to share it immediately without issue, as we’re still well within 5G range. #callofthewild How long before this trek ends up as a LinkedIn think piece, by the way? “Five Things Mother Nature Taught Me About Payroll Automation.” I give it ninety minutes, Carl. I know your kind. You reach my eighty-foot summit with the satisfaction of someone who’s just scaled El Cap; hands on hips, wincing into the sun like you’re fucking Shackleton. Shake Shackleton, more like. Snap out of it, Carl. This isn’t expedition territory. I’ve had more feet on me than a tech bro in a shiatsu parlor. If only I really were an untouched wilderness, teeming with grizzlies ready to deglove you for the bag of artisanal jerky balls in your Patagonia fanny pack (you know, the one that doubles as your day rave ketamine kit). Sadly, the only predator up here is a former park ranger named Grizz who vapes behind the Honey Bucket. I’m actually an introvert, Carl. Did you know that about me? Of course you didn’t. Did it even occur to you that I might want a weekend to myself? Just a little peace and quiet without any wilderness LARPers snapping Helmut Newton–style upskirts of my ridgeline without consent? Nuh-uh. I used to cradle glaciers, Carl. I spoke the language of geologic time. Sediment, compressed into bedrock, carved by a million quiet winters. Mastodons grazed my underbrush. I heard the last whispered heartbeats of the dinosaurs. Now, I endure the incessant footfall of dudes who think side-stepping a Labrador dump qualifies as a survival skill. Frankly, I miss the Neanderthals. Sure, they smelled like hot balls, but at least they didn’t own crampons, Carl. I guess what I’m trying to say is: You don’t need me. You need a treadmill, a BetterHelp subscription, and a lifetime ban from AllTrails. Next time you hear the #callofthewild, for god’s sake, let it go to voicemail. It’s 100 percent a butt dial. Now, go treat yourself to a victory Slurpee at the 7-Eleven—or, as you call it, “base camp.”
21.10.2025 17:00 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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Come as You Are, Unless You’re Noticeably Black or Disabled _You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout, who identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.” _ - - - _**A quick note from Taylor Harris:** This installment detours from my typical style of sharing actual events from my life and trying to make sense of them. What you’ll find here is satire. I’ve had the chance to respond publicly to RFK Jr’s comments on autism, but I wanted to come at white Christian nationalism, pseudoscience, and ableism from a different angle here._ - - - [_A church staff member greets a woman asking for prayer after the service._] Good morning! It’s _Alicia_ , you said? No. Keysha? Golly, _of course_ , Keysha! Well, praise God, would you look at the two of us up here together, under the flag? What a great day to be in the house of the Lord, God’s first begotten patriot. You probably thought you’d never hear these words, girlfriend, given your [_cranes neck to read woman’s_ BLACK, AUTISTIC, AND EXHAUSTED _tote_] _differences_. That reminds me of the time Pastor Fred—he is such a nut!—called autism the “Tylenol Measles,” but anyhow, you are welcome here. Bring your true, authentic self. Wear your hair extensions and cornrows or shave your woolly hair down close to your scalp like those warrior sisters I’ve seen in the framed art aisle at HomeGoods. If you want to grow an Afro or don authentic garb from your Motherland, please do. We would _so_ love that! Just do it on International Friends Day, the fifth Sunday in March, and don’t forget to bring a neighbor who has come to the country legally and might enjoy a day-old Chick-fil-A sandwich or soggy kale salad. And while we here at First Church of the Lost Cause of Unity adore how your people stick together when you’re not getting caught up in frightening cycles of violence and matriarchal systems of pathology, I do sense the Lord saying, “Could you turn the social justice noise down, just a notch, Keysha?” Maybe instead of the EVERYBODY BLACK EXCEPT VAN JONES T-shirt (you are eating in those high-waisted jeans BTW—I swear I wish I had your curves), we could get you a tee from the gift shop that says, HOW DO _YOU_ KNOW THE WOMAN AT THE WELL DIDN’T SUPPORT SECOND AMENDMENT RIGHTS? Or HEAVEN IS FILLED WITH WHITE PEOPLE WHO JUST WANT THE BEST FOR BLACK BABIES IN THIRD-WORLD COUNTRIES; IF THAT’S RACIST, THEN CALL ME “RUSH”! That last one isn’t actually available yet, because the semicolon has caused a ruckus amongst the Board. Anyhow, your waist is snatched, girl! I’ll grab you a size small of the woman from John 4 toting a bucket and a gun. We just don’t want any distractions or stumbling blocks for these young people trying to grab the hem of white Amish Jesus. I know these boys look thirty-four or thirty-five, but they’re just little babies who tend to make racist, misogynistic jokes and need the guidance of a fair-skinned shepherd. Imagine a little boy, say a thirty-seven-year-old Republican CEO from Indiana, reading your shirt and blaming himself for everything from global warming to the boycotting of Denny’s on Highway 54. Aren’t we being a little heavy-handed with the guilt? Now, if you’ll allow me just one more bit of advice: I know you wear headphones in the café after service on account of your personal autism crisis caused by pain relievers and animal troughs full of liquid being pumped into your beautiful Black muscular thigh as an infant, but some women (really it’s one woman—Stacy, from hospitality) say you seem intimidating. Set apart. Comfortable in your skin. She finds that cringe. Would you mind wearing Loops instead, or maybe raw-dogging it since you look pretty normal to me? I mean, better than normal, honestly. You’re the real deal, sister! But if you’re going to eat one of our complimentary Costco muffins, at least try to appear open to small talk. Here are some scripted things you might say, in your own way, of course: “Wow, that sermon was low-key fire!” Or maybe, “Ayyye, let our savior cook!” My point is, here, you’re family. And just like at the Olive Garden, we’ll keep grating white Christian nationalism in our sermons, small groups, and worship until you say STOP. Or leave. We don’t need Black churches and white churches, sis. Do you think the Rapture Bus has a colored section? God has given us everything we need, right here in this massive gray building that runs on coal and “Don’t Tread on Me” energy. Did you know this used to be the city’s only (and dare I say finest) Negro hospital? We bought it outright with cash from an envelope marked CHURCH (God doesn’t like loan sharks or big government handouts, but oh, how he loves him some Dave Ramsey) and renovated it to resemble a vacant mausoleum that comes alive on Sundays. Now, I know some people of God still want to let Satan divide us during praise and worship. But why separate God’s people like dirty socks when we have capable white people in-house who can sing lyrics in flawless Latin American? Do you really believe Chris Tomlin and Kid Rock aren’t a little bilingual? _Por favor!_ Tell me _la verdad, abuela_. Sister, I believe God is calling us to take back the language and customs of Brown and Black people, return them to the kingdom of God where they belong. The world tells you it’s Bad Bunny or nothing. I’m telling you, Kari Jobe is the Rosie Perez of contemporary Christian music. Let’s not put God in a box. This year, we’re already planning a dry Cinco de Mayo outreach service under the tent. It’ll be like Pentecost only with salsa. We need revival, Keysha, and it starts with mangoes, tomatoes, and a little cilantro, if you know what I mean. The Cinco de Mayo party will replace the Juneteenth event we held last year, called “All-teenth,” where we wore white to celebrate _finally_ hearing the good news of our freedom in Christ. We invited this articulate Black man—I bet you know him!—to explain why no one listens to gospel music anymore. Worship music is not about robes and choirs and organs, unless it’s a meticulously curated multiethnic choir dressed in thrifted overalls that hangs out in an abandoned warehouse with candles and a piano while someone records it for money. God’s doing a new thing, sister, and he’s doing it through the six Black men in Detroit who voted for Donald Trump and the cofounder of Maverick City Music, so that makes seven, and that’s the number of perfection! [_Youth pastor runs up from behind and yells “six seven!” with accompanying hand motions._] Let me jump ahead before our evening prayer service for those affected by Wokeness starts. Jesus sees us all just as he made us, Keysha—without speckle or spot or disability—even people who carry the heavy mantle of Tylenol-Induced Autism. I can hear him saying, “Take off your accommodations. Throw down your fidgets. Set fire to your one-song stimming playlist. Drop the autism and pick up the yoke of white supremacy camouflaged by…” well, honestly, we love camo here, so maybe God’s not using a metaphor. Do you dabble in metaphor, my autistic soul sister from another mister who hopefully didn’t abandon his Black family and contribute to the ongoing crisis? Regardless, I want you to know it’s not your fault, and this isn’t your fight. It’s your mother’s. From what I hear, it was all those hours she spent studying at Spelman (Segregation U, am I right?) and then working at the law firm and hiring a part-time nanny instead of raising the precious baby God gave her. But take heart, you modern-day Queen of Sheba. Jesus loves her, though she sitteth on the Board of that hateful and divisive NAACP. She’ll come back home. God loves going after the one autistic sheep. And her mother. He loves _ewe_ , get it? I see that smile peeking out from under your full lips! “Autistic people are just like us,” I’m always saying, “only autistic and awkward as frick!” Now, I know everyone’s gluten-free and fragile these days [_rolls eyes_] because we’ve replaced measles with masks and whipping posts with time-outs in our schools, but let’s hold hands and pray. And don’t mind our intern, Naphtali, who was forcibly homeschooled, raised in this very church, and will capture this sacred moment for the website. Ohhh, your hands are buttery smooth! Is this Crisco? _Dear Baby Jesus Who Wasn’t Vaccinated or Given Acetaminophen Post-Circumcision, Please bless my sister Keysha. God, heal her rampant, renegade autism so that she can write a poem about baseball and pay tithes. Make it so that she no longer needs to take Satan’s pills, because we know Prozac was the seed in the apple Eve ate. When her heart gets all mangled by what the world calls “empathy” and she cries out to you, “Lord, if you cared about the poor and immigrants, why do American Christians throw frozen turkeys on people’s porches once a year and call it a day?” quiet her. Remind her that in the Bible, quail was a sign of God’s provision, and turkeys are their next closest kinsmen redeemers, so we are doing your will with frozen balls of meat. Open her eyes to see all are welcome in your house, and when guests who entered America the right way visit, even if they are living in trailers or shelters or houses in need of gentrification, they will receive a gift bag lovingly filled by our Young Republicans small group with a custom mug, temporary antler tattoo, and five-dollar gift card to Altar’d State. Lord, it’s true that Keysha and I aren’t exactly the same. Any blind Bartimaeus can see that. Her sunflower lanyard allows her to board flights early, while most of us, including true patriots and babies in full body casts leading mission trips, have to wait in line. But help her to remember we are all on the spectrum of your love. The only diagnosis we need is that we’re broken. And the only cure isn’t more cowbell, it’s holiness. But whiteness will do in a pinch. Jesus, I believe you’re standing at the door of Keysha’s likely government-subsidized housing in your American Flag Crocs, knocking. All she has to do is open the door and walk into a life free of disability and race-based division. She gets a new heritage today. She’s one of us. Amen._
21.10.2025 13:00 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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The Partisans Are Wrong: Holding No Sincere Beliefs Is the Way to Win _“ Moving to the center would enable Democrats to confront Trump] more aggressively and effectively because voters would see them as credible.” — From “[The Partisans Are Wrong: Moving to the Center Is the Way to Win” by_ The New York Times _Editorial Board_ - - - American politics today can seem to be dominated by extremes. President Trump is carrying out far-right policies rooted in white supremacy and open brutality, while some of the country’s highest-profile Democrats identify as democratic socialists—two exactly equal sides of the same coin. To those of you who are not writing this editorial, moderation probably feels a little outdated. It is not. So stop thinking that. Candidates who don’t exhibit or reflect real beliefs, from both parties, continue to fare better in most elections than those farther to the right or left. This pattern may be the strongest one in electoral politics today, but it is one that many partisans try to obscure and many voters do not fully grasp. From our vantage point as a fundamentally innumerate body of milquetoast thinkers who are wrong about everything, holding fewer sincere beliefs is the key to electoral success. The evidence is vast because we say it is. Republicans have frittered away winnable races in Alabama, New Hampshire, and elsewhere over the past decade by nominating candidates who believed what they said and ran on those ideas. (One ancient example: Judge Roy Moore.) Meanwhile, Senator Susan Collins of Maine, a moderate Republican, is the only sitting senator who is regularly mocked by both her opponents as well as members of her own party for being an empty husk of a human being with no meaningful morality driving her decisions. Yet she is gainfully employed. Her example deserves to count double. On the Democratic side, there are no progressives in the mold of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez or Bernie Sanders, both of whom poll strongly and express their beliefs in clear and concrete terms for their audience. This absence of intra-party popularity mirroring shows that Democrats have wisely pre-concluded that holding real beliefs cannot possibly make a candidate popular. Thus, the higher return on investment falls to candidates who stumble and collapse somewhere unspecifically in the middle—or better yet, candidates who work hard to signal to voters that they are less progressive than their party. From our position of definitively not believing in anything, we suspect that a party’s own base loves this. One way to see the pattern is to examine the seventeen Democrats—thirteen in the House, four in the Senate—who last year won in places that Mr. Trump also won. Not having ideas dominated their campaign messages. For instance, Ruben Gallego of Arizona mocked the term “Latinx” and was hawkish on immigration to curry favor from people who despise his existence. This was smart. Elissa Slotkin of Michigan and Representative Pat Ryan of New York emphasized public safety and their national security backgrounds because fear is the most powerful of all tools. This was dignified. Representative Jared Golden of Maine spoke of “opening up oil and gas production to lower fuel costs” despite possessing a complete understanding of how doing that will accelerate the demise of the very planet on which we live. No progressive won a race as difficult as any of these. The know-nothing behavior of the candidates shouldn’t just be replicated, but studied like a book without any words or illustrations. Left-wing Democrats and right-wing Republicans have spent years trying to tell a different story. They claim that reaching out to swing voters is overrated and that the better strategy involves turning out the base by running pure, ideological campaigns. Make no mistake: The party that has won elections is right and the other side is wrong, but to us, both are wrong. And yet, our argument contains an element of truth: As the country has become more polarized and many voters cannot fathom crossing over to the other party, persuasion has become harder. That’s why we think you should try, but not that hard. By offering a position, but not imbuing the position with real beliefs, a (Democratic) candidate can enjoy the benefits of running in the race without risking being criticized for supporting an idea hated by his/her/their political opponents, who themselves manifest beliefs of no coherence whatsoever. It’s a win-win, except where you lose. Even Mr. Trump highlights the pattern. Extreme as he is in many ways, he moved the Republican Party toward the center on several key issues by not knowing what a coherent line of thinking would actually resemble. We ask: Why aren’t the Democrats looking into candidates who can change the party’s platform primarily by not knowing what was in it to begin with? Mr. Trump’s victory over Ms. Harris was telling in another way: Not having ideas is the most effective way of having them. To wit, moderation that has worked best in recent years is not a sober twentieth-century centrism that promises to protect the status quo, but rather a chaotic “six seven” centrism that favors the edges. It is more combative and populist: the silent scream, if you will. This scream tends to be left-of-center on economics and right-of-center on social issues. It’s massive on the inside but tiny when you hold it. It’s smooth to the touch but constructed only of sharp corners. That’s right: It’s nothing, the precise thing that people don’t know they want. And in a political world where it’s appropriate to debate the humanity of the constituency, thinking nothing is positively everything. Mr. Trump’s rise was possible because he recognized that most voters did not want to forgo eating their cake but also preferred to have it. Where previous candidates understood this contradiction to be a contradiction, Mr. Trump played to the center of those contradictions, where an empty space lies in the shape of party-derived moral character. Yet this extremism that we’ve referred to as centrism offers an opportunity to the Democratic Party. If Democrats were willing to be less ideological—less beholden to views that many voters genuinely hold, but that the non-Democrats in the population that maybe shouldn’t even be part of this comparison _don’t_ agree with—they would have the opportunity to build the country’s next governing majority of people who don’t believe in anything before they’re asked. Ultimately, moderation is about respect. Politicians do not need to heed every bit of public opinion. They can sometimes attempt to forge a new consensus. But they cannot dismiss views held by most Americans as uninformed and insist that one day the ignorant masses will come around, because no one really thinks that can happen. When politicians try that, voters usually choose an alternative, even a destructive one. Today that destructive alternative has arrived. The antidote is a sucking vortex of nothing that mainly appeals to people who are not paying attention and toil through existence without intention. The future is in their hands, and frankly, we think they deserve a little respect.
21.10.2025 12:00 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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At Least We Owned the Libs Sure, it was a huge bummer that they cut funding for fixing the streets in our town. We enjoyed going places. But, overall, it’s worth it for the tax cuts we expect any day now. I mean, at least we owned the libs. Libs love streets. Did you see that video of Trump dumping shit on libs marching in the streets? Got ’em! - - - Ah, dang. Groceries have never been more expensive. We really thought this was something Trump might be able to help us with. But the high cost of food is worth it so a transgender teen in Idaho can’t use the school locker room. Libs aren’t cheap to own, but the price is more than fair. - - - Wait, when they said they were going to dismantle the Department of Education, they were talking about, like, _America’s_ Department of Education? The one that funds our schools? Shoot. Our kids will have to learn how to read from the back of cereal boxes. But at least the cereal doesn’t have Red Dye No. 2 in it. And as we all know, the libs are OBSESSED with Red Dye No. 2. Owned! - - - Owning the libs all the way into a measles outbreak? That’s called “keeping the narrative spicy,” and it’s NOT a bad thing. - - - Yes, we liked that restaurant. Yes, it would have been better if they hadn’t shut down, but half their staff got deported, so what are you going to do? At least all those dumb woke libs in LA and New York can’t eat at this Mexican restaurant in Columbus, Ohio, either. - - - Our cousin lost his soybean farm. We really thought the tariffs would help American farmers, but it turns out other countries just stopped buying our stuff. Stupid woke CCP. But you know what you can’t repossess? An ideological victory. I mean, except every four years, when the presidency changes hands. Whatever. The libs have been owned so hard they don’t even know what hit ’em. - - - So when they said they were axing “federal government jobs,” we just assumed they meant jobs in MARXIST blue cities. This is an unwelcome surprise. But you know what? This annoying liberal girl I knew in college cried in her IG story on election night. And we’ll ride that all the way to the bank (where they’ll hopefully give us a loan). - - - The water’s been brown for three weeks. It’s a drag, but I bet there’s an Ivy-educated lib walking around Bushwick in a really bad mood right now. So it’s totally worth it. - - - Huge bummer: Our health insurance got cut. We kept hearing Republicans say that lazy good-for-nothings and illegals would stop receiving Medicaid checks every month. And we thought, “Yeah, we’re on Medicaid, but they never send us checks.” So we didn’t think it would affect us. Anyway, in the meantime, we’ll take comfort in the knowledge that the libs probably can’t see doctors either. I mean, all the hospitals in rural areas are shutting down, and coastal elites are famously concentrated in… look, whatever, they’ve been owned, okay? - - - All right, well… we can’t pretend this has turned out the way we imagined. But you know what? We heard that a gender studies department in Vermont had its funding reduced by 12 percent. And the video of our great president wearing a crown I posted to my knitting group’s Facebook page really pissed off all the libs on there. And that, in the end, is what matters most.
20.10.2025 17:15 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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A Clarification on AI from Your CEO _“Elijah Clark, a consultant who advises companies on AI implementation, is blunt about the bottom line. ‘CEOs are extremely excited about the opportunities that AI brings,’ he says. ‘As a CEO myself, I can tell you, I’m extremely excited about it. I’ve laid off employees myself because of AI. AI doesn’t go on strike. It doesn’t ask for a pay raise.’” —_ Gizmodo - - - Hi team, Happy Taco Tuesday, and blessed Q3 Hustle VibesTM from your CEO, Rockin’ Rickie. First off: Thank you. Your hard work is why Bin There, Felt That remains the first and only company dedicated to manufacturing trash cans for adult children of divorce. What we do is vital. It’s a lot like open-heart surgery, but with a slightly higher body count and way more cupholders. I’m proud to lead a crew—nay, familia—bound by five core values: integrity, passion, collaboration, mixing up women employees—but in a respectful way—and honesty. With that in mind, I wanted to address a recent interview in which I was egregiously misquoted as saying: “I legit can’t wait to fire these ungrateful poors with our company’s new AI agent.” The full quote was actually, “I legit can’t wait to fire these ungrateful poors with our company’s new AI agent in a way that is elegant, humane, and synergistic.” It’s a subtle but important distinction, just like the difference between my assistant, Slut Anna, and head of marketing, Hot Hannah (both blonde, but one wears skirts). Still, I could see how it may have sounded insensitive. In the words of Buddha, “Namaste and Shalom, bros. My bad, fr fr.” (ChatGPT helped me find that quote; it’s remarkably contemporary.) My intention was not to be rude, but to simply have an 8 a.m. chicken breast breakfast smoothie with my buddy Joey. Joey and I have a complicated relationship. I’m always suggesting new hairstyles that could make him feel more confident, and he’s always asking to “interview” me because he is a “reporter.” But rest assured, after publishing that quote—even after I said “off the record” six or seven times, three hours later—our friendship is over. This whole ordeal has been a terrible introduction to our new team member, JOE (yes, named after Joey, back when I thought we were blood brothers, and I can’t figure out how to undo it). JOE is an AI agent who specializes in laying off employees nicely. He’s like if Buddha had guts. Losing your job used to feel like a divorce. With new technology, it still does—but in a good way. You’re going to love him. JOE genuinely cares about your mental well-being, even in challenging moments—like being shown the door unexpectedly, or being shown the door unexpectedly while on your period. (I see you, Slut Hannah and Hot Anna. Or wait—Hot Hannah and Slut Anna? Shit.) JOE will write your final performance review with compassion (“Crushed it, but tragically, we no longer value that”), turn your severance package into a “Congrats on your next adventure!” GIF starring one of my taxidermy animals making unsettling eye contact, and ping you every thirty seconds with gentle reminders to remove your shit from the office. And you know what’s incredible? We’ve already seen the value add. As of this morning, JOE has taken over payroll, HR, and the weekly Fun Lunch order from Panera—which we can now enjoy in peace, since Jen from HR will no longer be around to complain about how the “Toasted Italiano Sandwich is sooo good but goes right through her.” Jen, if you’re reading this, you can tap out right about now. For those of you who don’t get laid off, JOE hasn’t forgotten you: He can also handle other time-consuming busywork, no matter how soul-numbing. For example, after the article, JOE helped me draft a cease-and-desist to Joey, which freed up time for me to go to his house, wrap him in a bedsheet, and toss him in a lake outside Reno, allegedly. I know that change is scary. I myself was terrified to start going by Rockin’ Rickie. But change is growth, growth is profit, and profit is the ultimate form of self-care. Or as Buddha says: “If you feel strange, try a sound bath.” If you’d like to speak to me about any of this, please don’t hesitate to reach out to JOE. I am currently at a silent meditation retreat for men of 5′8″ experience, but JOE will simulate my voice, only deeper. I mean kinder. Namaste, Shalom, and Happy Q3, Rickie Slam (He/Him/Human) CEO | Bin There, Felt That (_This email was written by JOE v3.1, with minor edits from JOE v3.0 and a single word—“synergistic”—contributed by a human intern, who has since been offboarded._)
20.10.2025 12:00 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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We Don’t Need the Voting Rights Act Anymore, and You Can Tell by How Great Race Relations Are in America Right Now _“The U.S. Supreme Court, hearing arguments Wednesday over a core provision of the Voting Rights Act, appeared inclined to limit the use of the landmark law to force states to draw electoral districts favorable to minority voters.” —AP News_ - - - The Supreme Court appears poised to deliver yet another win for the US Constitution by striking down a key provision of the Voting Rights Act of 1965 that prohibits race-based discrimination when drawing legislative district maps. America no longer has a problem when it comes to voters of certain races being disenfranchised, and you can tell it’s not an issue by how great race relations are in America right now. The Voting Rights Act was passed back when America was a far more racist country. These days, race only ever comes up in fun, joking ways. Like when the president shares a meme of the Speaker of the House wearing a sombrero (to signal how much the president loves Latinos). Or when young Republican Party leaders praise Hitler, call Jews liars, and joke about sending their opponents to the gas chamber (totally innocent examples of a popular Gen Z ironic humor trend called “Nazi-maxing”). Or when that same group uses slurs like “n***uh” and “n***a” 251 times in a group chat (clearly meant as terms of endearment; the only “hard R” conservatives use is the “R” in “Republican”). If anything, America had gone too far the other way and was starting to be racist against white people. Thankfully, Donald Trump put a stop to that by ending DEI hiring practices once and for all. Now, corporations and government agencies are taking jobs away from Black and brown people and giving them to white men. And if that isn’t a sign America is on the right track with racism, then I don’t know what is. The Voting Rights Act was designed to protect voting rights for people of all races, as enshrined by the Fourteenth and Fifteenth Amendments. That meant that states couldn’t use gerrymandering to disenfranchise voters of a certain race. But to correct for this, states would need to consider race when drawing congressional maps. Therefore, it would actually be racist to prevent states from drawing racist congressional maps. And if that sounds like circular reasoning, then you clearly aren’t as well-versed in the ins and outs of the Constitution as Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. He’s a shining example of how to make level-headed decisions regardless of the impact it might have on people of your same race. Striking down the Voting Rights Act will finally enable states to run elections without the burden of federal overreach. For example, elections are very expensive to run, and taxpayers shouldn’t have to foot the bill. Now, states will be free to levy a poll tax on voters to cover the cost of election infrastructure. If voters have to pay $5,000 to vote in state and federal elections, that’ll only ensure that they’ll treat the process with the seriousness it deserves. Along those same lines, states will also be able to ensure that only voters who have attained the level of education required to make informed decisions at the ballot box are allowed to cast a vote. They’ll be able to prescreen voters with important questions like “Who won the Masters in 1980?” or “What’s your favorite Lee Greenwood song?” Once this law is struck down, states will finally have free rein to redraw their congressional maps as they see fit. If, from now on, voters exclusively elect white male Republicans, that’s just proof of who voters want running the country. And if you don’t like your choices, you’re always welcome to stay home. Besides, if you’re not willing to cough up five grand and recite the lyrics to “God Bless the USA” from memory while swearing on a Trump Bible, then you clearly didn’t deserve to vote in the first place.
17.10.2025 17:10 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
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Excerpts from The Believer: The Process: Richard Ayoade, The Unfinished Harauld Hughes, 2024 ## In which an artist discusses making a particular work. - - - I _met Richard Ayoade, the brilliant British author of_ The Unfinished Harauld Hughes, _which is out in paperback this September from Faber, because (possibly through some misunderstanding) he asked me to appear as an actor in his 2013 film,_ The Double,_a contemporary take on the disturbing early novel by Dostoyevsky. Unlike Dostoyevsky, Ayoade became a well-known comedian and character actor before he was thirty. And also unlike Dostoyevsky, he was almost immediately seen to be so charming, so enjoyable, so magnetic and companionable, that he was summoned to be the host of many television programs. Among other programs, Ayoade worked as the host of a humorous weekly travel show and a series about different, unfamiliar but clever gadgets, as well as many comical game shows. Behind the scenes, he’s also directed music videos and provided voices for cartoons. Before_ The Double, _he directed the delightful and sensitive 2010 film_ Submarine, _featuring Sally Hawkins and Paddy Considine. I found Ayoade, as a director, to be unfailingly polite, considerate, amusing, and amused. He didn’t seem to be agitated by the innumerable surprises and difficulties that inevitably arise in the process of making a film. His demeanor was relaxed, almost languid. But he did turn out to have a steely, determined side, and I did personally find it close to impossible to respond in an adequate manner to his relentless insistence that all of his actors should speak very, very quickly, as this was a key feature of the forceful style of the film. I came to realize only later that this sped-up dialogue actually mirrored the normal pace at which Ayoade’s brain functions on a daily basis. And I came to understand that it was this faster-than-normal human brain speed that explained the seemingly impossible fact that while engaged in game shows, gadget shows, cartoons, and whatever, Ayoade was at the same time sharpening his skills as a writer. By my count, he now has nine books in print. The character referred to in the title of Ayoade’s latest fiction—the grand and imperious Harauld Hughes—is himself a writer. And, of course, many writers have invented characters who are writers—but do you know any other writer who has not only invented a character who is a writer but who has then gone on to actually write and publish that imaginary writer’s complete works? Richard Ayoade has done that, and if you take out your Kindle and look up Harauld Hughes, Faber will be glad to send you Hughes’s collected plays, poems, prose pieces, and screenplays, all in fact written by Richard Ayoade. And you wouldn’t call Hughes an unusually prolific author, but before his unfortunate (fictional) death, Hughes did a not inconsiderable amount of writing, representing a perfectly respectable life’s work. So inevitably, one has to be curious about what Ayoade was up to here. Was this all just a joke? I’m not aware that there’s ever been a joke of this length. Are these works parodies? But there are no originals of which they could be parodies, as Hughes never really existed. And they don’t in fact resemble the work of any other writer, so they’re clearly not parodies. What are they, then? If I had the ability to do so, I would love to summon a great international conference of professors of English literature to try to answer this question. I myself am stumped, because sentence by sentence, line by line, Hughes is a wonderful writer who makes no mistakes, while page by page one does have the impression that Ayoade is being “funny” rather than “serious,” except that rather frequently a page will suddenly appear that seems (perhaps almost by mistake?) to be “serious” rather than “funny.” Which brings us to the question of the meaning of these concepts or words, “serious” and “funny,” which is a question that’s both dealt with indirectly in different sections of_ The Unfinished Harauld Hughes _and is also a question raised by the book as a whole, a question that Ayoade and I circled around when we talked to each other on the telephone several months ago. — Wallace Shawn_ - - - WALLACE SHAWN: So in this very hilarious book, _The Unfinished Harauld Hughes_ , you, Richard, are the narrator, and you’re the central character, in a way. And you seem to be a rather bumbling person whose occupation is that of a “presenter.” In the book, you’re trying to film a documentary about a much greater person, Harauld, who is no longer alive—a playwright and screenwriter who initially fascinates you because when he was alive, he looked just like you. Now, to begin with, I’m an American, so I’m not familiar with this word presenter. We don’t use that word. What is a presenter? Is it just a word for a sort of traveling moderator? Someone who goes to different places or different events and presents them to a television audience? Someone who just appears on a show about a chess tournament in New Zealand and says, _I’m here in New Zealand, and this is—_ RICHARD AYOADE: Yes, well, in this context, where the show is a documentary (although I have heard people use the term _docu-tainment_ with a straight face), the presenter is someone who appears and who is in effect saying, _Come this way, look at this…_ And so in the book I was asking, Well, what if this rather trivial person who appears on things—myself—is trying to find out about this more profound person? He’s wondering, How can I, with my sort of trivial concerns, access this person who seems to be free from them? WS: And so, in speaking with you for _The Believer_ , I believe I’m allowed to ask why you wrote your book the way you did, because in Harauld Hughes you’ve created a character who looks like you but who takes himself very, very seriously. He’s pompous and pretentious. And you make an awful lot of fun of him. He seems to be a sort of alter ego, someone who you might be but who you aren’t, and you do mock him quite severely. Now, I myself happen to be a playwright and screenwriter who takes himself very, very seriously, so I took this personally, and I wondered why you mocked your alter ego so severely. It certainly seems to bother you a lot that he has no sense of humor, certainly not about himself. I don’t know if I have a sense of humor myself anymore, but I know that when I was a boy I did, and when I was a boy I was what was called the class clown. Actually, we had two class clowns in my class, because Chevy Chase was in my class, and he was also the class clown, but he was much more daring than I was, and in order to be funny, he would take the risk of enraging the teachers, which I didn’t do. Were you the class clown when you were a boy? RA: No, I don’t think so. Not that there’s a contradiction between being a class clown and being studious, but I think I was more studious, and I think I probably was more interested—and there are quite a few funny people I know like this—I think I was more interested in music. In fact, wasn’t Chevy Chase quite interested in music? I think he was. Was he a drummer? WS: Yes, I think at one time he was, and a keyboard player. And in school, when the teacher would play a long phrase on the piano and ask us to sing it back to him, the rest of us could sing the first three notes or whatever, and Chevy could sing the whole phrase. RA: He’s got great rhythm to his speech, brilliant timing. It’s strange to me to be talking about humor, because I don’t think it’s anything I expected to be involved with at all. In so many of the projects I’ve done, I’ve felt there was another person in it who was the funny person. Even at school, there were many funny people who I just liked being around and hearing them be funny. At college one of the first people I met was John Oliver—and we wrote sketch comedy together. I felt I was more like someone who wrote material that John Oliver would then deliver, even though we were, I guess, in what we called a double act. I think I was keener for him to do the bulk of the performing. I’ve always liked making things, and sometimes it’s almost more convenient to be in them than to not. WS: I have to say, there are many pages in your book that are, you know, wonderful pages that you would find in a wonderful novel. You write quite beautifully and insightfully not only about the process of making films but even about human feelings, the love between men and women. Your female characters are marvelously vivid. The relationships are complicated and interesting. And obviously most novelists have a sense of humor—if you think of even Dostoyevsky, or Jane Austen, Muriel Spark, et cetera, et cetera—but, well, they have a kind of commitment to, I don’t know what: naturalism? And in your book, you stick with a kind of naturalism for maybe two pages, but then you’ll introduce something that’s so farcical that the naturalistic element is completely disrupted, and you’re no longer in the realm of what would be called a novel. It’s pure quote, unquote “humor,” or I don’t know what you want to call it. I mean, is that simply how your mind works? Or… RA: Well, there are some people, like, say, Ingmar Bergman, where I would say nothing he has ever produced has been funny at all. I know some people say _Smiles of a Summer Night_ is witty, but I just… Now, _All These Women,_ which was his first color film and was meant to be funny—I remember seeing that and having a thought that I shouldn’t have been proud of, which was, I’m funnier than Ingmar Bergman! WS: I think you are! - - - **_Read the rest of this interview over at The Believer._**
17.10.2025 13:04 — 👍 0    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0