Original post on mastodonapp.uk
“Swerving the Checkatrade”
Yeah, Swerving the Checkatrade
Swerving the Checkatrade
So we may get to bill and coo
I’ve weighed up all the pros and cons
Of watching under-21s
Swerving the Checkatrade with you
Oh let me gaze upon your curves
Instead of Ipswich Town reserves
Swerving the Checkatrade […]
24.09.2025 17:05 — 👍 8 🔁 2 💬 0 📌 0
Original post on mastodonapp.uk
“Twenty Four Hour Garage People”
I fancy I’ll open a stationer’s
Stock quaint notepads for weekend pagans
While you were out at The Rollright Stones
I came and set fire to your shed
‘Cos you probably work at an all-night garage
You probably work at an all-night garage
You probably work at an […]
22.09.2025 19:46 — 👍 11 🔁 2 💬 0 📌 0
Original post on mastodonapp.uk
“Keeping Two Chevrons Apart”
Well I’m not really worried about this
But could someone please answer me this:
Apart from on commentary
Where else on earth
Can you hear the word ‘aplomb’ being used?
I’m filling up at Rothersthorpe North
Good Girl has broken my heart
She took off with a youth
From […]
04.09.2025 06:06 — 👍 8 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
Original post on mastodonapp.uk
“Albert Hammond bootleg”
Talking to a girl on the south coast of France
She was on an 18-30 but I still took a chance
But on the last night ‘neath the stars of Marseilles
She said that Robin Askwith was funny
Oh god how I longed for a dangerous wave
So I could surf myself towards an early grave […]
01.09.2025 19:48 — 👍 9 🔁 2 💬 0 📌 0
“Shit Arm, Bad Tattoo”
If you’re going to quote from the Book of Revelation
Don’t keep calling it the Book of Revelations
There’s no “s”, it’s the Book of Revelation
As revealed to St John the Divine
See also Mary Hopkin
She must despair
You’ve got a shit arm….
#HMHB #HalfManHalfBiscuit
21.08.2025 11:57 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
“The referee’s alphabet”
K is for the kissing of the badge
How ridiculous that looks 6 months later when they’re at another club
#HMHB #HalfManHalfBiscuit
18.08.2025 06:09 — 👍 5 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
Original post on mastodonapp.uk
CORGI Registered Friends
In the kingdom of the blind
It’s said the one-eyed man is king
And in the kingdom of the bland
It’s nine o’clock on ITV
I believe I’ve seen holograms
With more substance than you
Automatic doors don’t open for you
C-O-R-G-I (CORGI registered friends)
C-O-R-G-I (CORGI […]
24.07.2025 22:24 — 👍 5 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
“Upon Westminster Bridge”
“Christ that sun’s hot”
Yes that’s right sir
Oh help me Mrs Medlicott
I don’t know what to do
I’ve only got three bullets
And there’s four of Motley Crue
#hmhb #HalfManHalfBiscuit
13.07.2025 05:40 — 👍 4 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
Original post on mastodonapp.uk
“Sensitive Outsider”
Faked my way through Glastonbury
By acting all asexually
And then in the acoustic tent
She stood there as if heaven sent
Well if that’s not Enya
That’s not Enya
That’s not Enya
That’s not Enya
I’m a sensitive outsider
I’m a sensitive outsider
I’m a sensitive outsider
And I […]
02.07.2025 07:43 — 👍 7 🔁 2 💬 0 📌 0
Have you never wanted a Dukla Prague Away Kit for Christmas?
For your Subbuteo set?
As your Scalextric is out of action due to a dodgy transformer.
Well there’s gonna be a riot down in Trumpton tonight.
21.06.2025 19:29 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
The music is a tad samey but it’s still a good listen, as you’d expect.
Personally I think “…creative hub…” isn’t going to be beat, but I hope they prove me wrong.
21.06.2025 15:31 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
my response to that is this:
Who the fuck are you, trying to govern everybody’s work talks?
Who the fuck are you, trying to be the big I Am?
Well, I know this place like the back of my hand
In a way you’ll never understand
So don’t go trying to organise my work talks
21.06.2025 15:23 — 👍 7 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
It’s a Wetherspoons in Leeds.
21.06.2025 14:45 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
Original post on mastodonapp.uk
“Horror Clowns Are Dickheads”
Horror Clowns are dickheads
You know it’s true
And if you’ve got a phobia of them
You’re a dickhead too
Don’t go worrying and don’t be wary
They have never been remotely scary
Hardly M.R. James
Hardly Edgar Allan Poe
Get a decent mob together
They don’t wanna know […]
21.06.2025 14:39 — 👍 14 🔁 1 💬 3 📌 0
Never heard of them.
21.06.2025 14:03 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
“Slipping The Escort”
The surgery leaflets
Offer advice
But there’s no preparation
For losing him twice
And now he’s washed and dressed and ready
To keep him safe she’ll face the hurt
And if she could hold that needle steady
She could sew his name into his shirt
#HMHB #HalfManHalfBiscuit
24.05.2025 22:40 — 👍 3 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
“99% of Gargoyles look like Bob Todd”
And if eight out of ten cats all prefer Whiskas
Do the other two prefer Lesley Judd?
#hmhb #HalfManHalfBiscuit
22.05.2025 22:02 — 👍 10 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
It’s Fred Titmus. The cricketer.
“Fuckin’ ‘ell it’s Fred Titmus”
Oh Jane was pushing baby round the park
When all at once she saw her husband Mark
Well he was with a man down by the stream
So Jane and baby both began to scream
“Fuckin’ ‘Ell, It’s Fred Titmus!”
….
Oh Dracula comes from […]
[Original post on mastodonapp.uk]
28.03.2025 11:17 — 👍 14 🔁 3 💬 2 📌 0
Original post on mastodonapp.uk
“Swerving the Checkatrade”
Yeah, Swerving the Checkatrade
Swerving the Checkatrade
So we may get to bill and coo
I’ve weighed up all the pros and cons
Of watching under-21s
Swerving the Checkatrade with you
Oh let me gaze upon your curves
Instead of Ipswich Town reserves
Swerving the […]
15.03.2025 09:00 — 👍 7 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
“Surging out of convalescence”
Is your child hyperactive, or is he perhaps a twat?
Sometimes I like to watch wave rage down on Fistral Beach
Last Ash Wednesday I had tantric sex and it was shit
Next Ash Wednesday I might strive to lick my elbow
Strive in vain
For they say
Few succeed
#HMHB
07.03.2025 19:48 — 👍 4 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
Original post on mastodonapp.uk
“Shit Arm, Bad Tattoo”
If you’re going to quote from the Book of Revelation
Don’t keep calling it the Book of Revelations
There’s no “s”, it’s the Book of Revelation
As revealed to St John the Divine
See also Mary Hopkin
She must despair
You’ve got a shit arm, and that’s a bad tattoo
You’ve […]
15.02.2025 08:46 — 👍 15 🔁 3 💬 0 📌 0
Original post on mastodonapp.uk
“Oblong of dreams”
Escape from Telepudlian Paul
Around about now regaling all
With his ‘Did you see the match?’
And his flat back four
He’s a Super Sunday super bore
Escape up onto Caldy Hill
The spirit of Olaf, and if you will
Stand still, wait, sudden breeze
Clouds part, showtime
And now I’m […]
08.02.2025 20:20 — 👍 8 🔁 2 💬 0 📌 0
Original post on mastodonapp.uk
“D’ye ken Ted Moult”
Our Ted, it has to be said
Produces proof beyond us
Rain, shine or gale force nine
His frames remain intact
Helicopters in my garden
Bringing wind (I beg your pardon)
Double glazing is amazing
Don't you all agree?
No fears, they'll last you for years
Our statistics prove it […]
02.02.2025 13:42 — 👍 7 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
Someone get a message through to Captain Snort
That they’d better start assembling the boys from the fort
And keep Mrs Honeyman right out of sight
‘Cos there’s gonna be a riot down in Trumpton tonight
#hmhb #HalfManHalfBiscuit
25.01.2025 21:52 — 👍 3 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
Storm Eowyn?
Mention The Lord Of The Rings just once more
And I’ll more than likely kill you
Moorcock, Moorcock, Michael Moorcock you fervently moan
Is this a wok that you’ve shoved down my throat
Or are you just pleased to see me?
Brian Moore’s head looks uncannily like London Planetarium
#HMHB
24.01.2025 11:31 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
Original post on mastodonapp.uk
“Even men with steel hearts”
https://www.skysports.com/football/video/33727/13277728/doncaster-double-lead-after-tranmere-defender-loses-shorts
Even men with steel hearts love to see a dog on the pitch
Even men with steel hearts love to see a dog on the pitch
It generates a warmth around the […]
06.01.2025 22:53 — 👍 4 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
It’s A Wonderful Life. It’s a wonderful film, but the more I watch it the more I want Potter to succeed. Not least when that lot up the road come out into the street every NYE, drunk on Ptolemy’s hock, hugging each other and going “Hee-haw, hee-haw”
Every time a bell rings
I hate you some more
#hmhb
24.12.2024 16:26 — 👍 6 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
It’s very Carter USM, the title.
24.12.2024 11:44 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
I think that’s what Nigel is getting at, once a year churchgoers who only turn up for Midnight Mass at Christmas.
But there’s probably a football analogy in there too.
24.12.2024 11:32 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0
