Half Man Half Biscuit Lyrics

Actually my favourite Biscuits song. Still don’t get the Orangutan bit though.

Thanks. I keep forgetting about this account, hence the gap between posts!

“What made Colombia famous”

What price your bluster
What price your smarm
I’ve seen body parts lying in biology labs
With far more charm

Oh, big truck, Innsbruck
King of the Hill
Cock-a-doodle-doo
What made Colombia famous
Has made a prick out of you

#hmhb #HalfManHalfBiscuit

“It’s Cliched To Be Cynical At Christmas”

Now how did I guess
You were going to express
Your disdain at the crane
With the bright fairy lights
And you’d moan at the snow
‘Cos your car wouldn’t go
Oh it’s cliched
To be cynical
At Christmas

You don’t have a tree
And your smile has a fee
All the […]

YouTube video by tbhoy66 Half Man Half Biscuit - Mr. Cave's A Window Cleaner Now

youtu.be/-YeqJCcHY4Y?...

#hmhb #HalfManHalfBiscuit

“I Love You Because (You Look Like Jim Reeves)”

My girlfriend looks like Peggy Mount
What am I supposed to do?
I’m up the creek and never mind the paddle boy
I haven’t even got a canoe

I sold my soul to an Arctic Roll
I went to hell on a red Ski-doo
I did the Shake’n’Vac and broke my fucking […]

“Swerving the Checkatrade”
Yeah, Swerving the Checkatrade
Swerving the Checkatrade
So we may get to bill and coo
I’ve weighed up all the pros and cons
Of watching under-21s
Swerving the Checkatrade with you
Oh let me gaze upon your curves
Instead of Ipswich Town reserves
Swerving the Checkatrade […]

“Twenty Four Hour Garage People”
I fancy I’ll open a stationer’s
Stock quaint notepads for weekend pagans
While you were out at The Rollright Stones
I came and set fire to your shed
‘Cos you probably work at an all-night garage
You probably work at an all-night garage
You probably work at an […]

“Keeping Two Chevrons Apart”
Well I’m not really worried about this
But could someone please answer me this:
Apart from on commentary
Where else on earth
Can you hear the word ‘aplomb’ being used?

I’m filling up at Rothersthorpe North
Good Girl has broken my heart
She took off with a youth
From […]

“Albert Hammond bootleg”
Talking to a girl on the south coast of France
She was on an 18-30 but I still took a chance
But on the last night ‘neath the stars of Marseilles
She said that Robin Askwith was funny

Oh god how I longed for a dangerous wave
So I could surf myself towards an early grave […]

“Shit Arm, Bad Tattoo”

If you’re going to quote from the Book of Revelation
Don’t keep calling it the Book of Revelations
There’s no “s”, it’s the Book of Revelation
As revealed to St John the Divine
See also Mary Hopkin
She must despair

You’ve got a shit arm….

#HMHB #HalfManHalfBiscuit

“The referee’s alphabet”

K is for the kissing of the badge
How ridiculous that looks 6 months later when they’re at another club

#HMHB #HalfManHalfBiscuit

CORGI Registered Friends

In the kingdom of the blind
It’s said the one-eyed man is king
And in the kingdom of the bland
It’s nine o’clock on ITV
I believe I’ve seen holograms
With more substance than you
Automatic doors don’t open for you
C-O-R-G-I (CORGI registered friends)
C-O-R-G-I (CORGI […]

“Upon Westminster Bridge”

“Christ that sun’s hot”
Yes that’s right sir

Oh help me Mrs Medlicott
I don’t know what to do
I’ve only got three bullets
And there’s four of Motley Crue
#hmhb #HalfManHalfBiscuit

“Sensitive Outsider”
Faked my way through Glastonbury
By acting all asexually
And then in the acoustic tent
She stood there as if heaven sent
Well if that’s not Enya
That’s not Enya
That’s not Enya
That’s not Enya
I’m a sensitive outsider
I’m a sensitive outsider
I’m a sensitive outsider
And I […]

Have you never wanted a Dukla Prague Away Kit for Christmas?
For your Subbuteo set?
As your Scalextric is out of action due to a dodgy transformer.

Well there’s gonna be a riot down in Trumpton tonight.

The music is a tad samey but it’s still a good listen, as you’d expect.

Personally I think “…creative hub…” isn’t going to be beat, but I hope they prove me wrong.

my response to that is this:

Who the fuck are you, trying to govern everybody’s work talks?
Who the fuck are you, trying to be the big I Am?
Well, I know this place like the back of my hand
In a way you’ll never understand
So don’t go trying to organise my work talks

It’s a Wetherspoons in Leeds.

“Horror Clowns Are Dickheads”

Horror Clowns are dickheads
You know it’s true
And if you’ve got a phobia of them
You’re a dickhead too
Don’t go worrying and don’t be wary
They have never been remotely scary
Hardly M.R. James
Hardly Edgar Allan Poe
Get a decent mob together
They don’t wanna know […]

Never heard of them.

“Slipping The Escort”
The surgery leaflets
Offer advice
But there’s no preparation
For losing him twice
And now he’s washed and dressed and ready
To keep him safe she’ll face the hurt
And if she could hold that needle steady
She could sew his name into his shirt
#HMHB #HalfManHalfBiscuit

“99% of Gargoyles look like Bob Todd”

And if eight out of ten cats all prefer Whiskas
Do the other two prefer Lesley Judd?

#hmhb #HalfManHalfBiscuit

It’s Fred Titmus. The cricketer.

“Fuckin’ ‘ell it’s Fred Titmus”

Oh Jane was pushing baby round the park
When all at once she saw her husband Mark
Well he was with a man down by the stream
So Jane and baby both began to scream
“Fuckin’ ‘Ell, It’s Fred Titmus!”
….
Oh Dracula comes from […]

[Original post on mastodonapp.uk]

“Swerving the Checkatrade”

Yeah, Swerving the Checkatrade

Swerving the Checkatrade

So we may get to bill and coo

I’ve weighed up all the pros and cons

Of watching under-21s

Swerving the Checkatrade with you

Oh let me gaze upon your curves

Instead of Ipswich Town reserves

Swerving the […]

“Surging out of convalescence”
Is your child hyperactive, or is he perhaps a twat?
Sometimes I like to watch wave rage down on Fistral Beach
Last Ash Wednesday I had tantric sex and it was shit
Next Ash Wednesday I might strive to lick my elbow
Strive in vain
For they say
Few succeed
#HMHB

“Shit Arm, Bad Tattoo”

If you’re going to quote from the Book of Revelation
Don’t keep calling it the Book of Revelations
There’s no “s”, it’s the Book of Revelation
As revealed to St John the Divine
See also Mary Hopkin
She must despair

You’ve got a shit arm, and that’s a bad tattoo
You’ve […]

“Oblong of dreams”
Escape from Telepudlian Paul
Around about now regaling all
With his ‘Did you see the match?’
And his flat back four
He’s a Super Sunday super bore
Escape up onto Caldy Hill
The spirit of Olaf, and if you will
Stand still, wait, sudden breeze
Clouds part, showtime
And now I’m […]

“D’ye ken Ted Moult”
Our Ted, it has to be said
Produces proof beyond us
Rain, shine or gale force nine
His frames remain intact
Helicopters in my garden
Bringing wind (I beg your pardon)
Double glazing is amazing
Don't you all agree?
No fears, they'll last you for years
Our statistics prove it […]