Starring Michelle 💚

The upside of ADHD is you really can unknow things.

SEAL: But did you know that when it snows my eyes become large and the light that you shine can't be seen?

OPTOMETRIST: that’s not supposed to happen

this is it. this the year. the year i finally close all those browser tabs

Betty White in shades of purple and blue stripes.

Beyonce matching Betty’s aesthetic.

just betty white being a fashion icon: thread

i go outside and people have the audacity to also be there

You wouldn’t poke a mon

rain would you, um, like POG, or whatever?

A cream colored long sleeve sweatshirt where one arm has a yellow cuff and an eye pained above the cuff to give the impression the sweatshirt is a goose and the arm is is head

i think this goose sweatshirt might fix me

Britney Spears in a magenta colored jacket.

A chandelier that’s the same magenta color.

britney chande-spears: thread

Oooh, timeline cleanser!

A learning opportunity hate to see me comin

My talent is always arriving at cvs pharmacy during their weird communal lunch

“You look familiar.”

I don't even go outside so why are you lying..

Go on and slow dance to Janis Joplin while making your dog scrambled eggs for breakfast. I bet you'll smile for a little longer today if you do

Can't figure out why 'kick rocks' is supposed to be derogatory. You ever kicked a rock? It's fucking fantastic.

I think we should all just give up and go full feral.

A parking meter stands in the woods.

i planted a quarter last summer

The gif is my internal response

what a flimsy excuse for a reality

An article by IFLScience titled, "Why Do We Say "Eleven" and "Twelve" Instead Of "Oneteen" And "Twoteen"?"

Because the first people that tried saying "oneteen" and "twoteen"got punched in the face.

Removing my socks one toe at a time like a burlesque dancer

You think insects measure things in horsefly power?

The daily contact lenses taste like 1/30 as good as the monthly ones

there are two pop tarts in a pack so you can start and end the day with one

apparently the face your baby makes while pushing out a poop is hereditary

L. Ron Hubbard is Old Mother Hubbard’s son

I love eavesdropping. Her ex is trying to steal her dog. His boss is having a blatant affair with his assistant. She hates her job because of her boss. He shat his pants but had a backup pair.