had two sandwiches in one day. in the past this would have made me freak out but today it’s fuelling my body keeping me nourished and happy and able to do all the things that bring me joy! i love you bread! i love you recovery

anorexia is the STUPIDEST illness. what do you mean i’m afraid of bread

really going through it tonight folks. i’m cold and tired and in pain and overwhelmed and i can’t make myself fucking eat

logged an oat flat white as a snack. girl (gn) be so for real

had a really good day yesterday and now i’m literally two steps back. i couldn’t eat my lunch and i cried over rice in the evening

i hate this feeling i hate feeling like this i hate itttttt

If you have an eating disorder or struggle with disordered eating, there’s a high chance your hunger cues will be all over the place. But not feeling hungry isn’t a reason not to eat, and there’s lots of ways your body might be telling you it’s hungry without a rumbly stomach: 🧵

some bad news during my appointment today. had a cry in the loo at the clinic. at least i made it through a week. happy one week in treatment to me

the eating disorder clinic is a deeply bizarre place. it smells of lucozade. you never ever make eye contact with anyone. the doorbell sounds like gunshots. that tiktok song called messy is playing every single time you’re here

anyway here’s some nice things I got to eat this week.
- butter and cream gnocchi
- bean stew with sourdough
- porridge
- porridge again

massively on the struggle bus today. it sucks that I feel bone crushing fatigue after every single meal. no matter how big or small I’m just so tired I can barely stand. I also get headaches sometimes. I know it’s par for the course but it SUCKS

they should invent a recovery that isn’t a process

goddamn this is hard. it’s only been a day and it’s already hard

first day of treatment today. 2pm uk time. i’m so scared and i’ve barely slept because i couldn’t stop crying

my worst days in recovery will never be as bad as my worst days during my eating disorder

feeling deeply awfully uncomfortable in recovery yet keeping going with it anyway

This is what extreme hunger feels like when you have anorexia

three meals and two snacks today!!! who Is she

I’ve spent most of this week alone so there’s no one around to tell this to. so I’m telling it here. but I don’t need others to be proud of me. I’m proud of myself today

but more importantly - I made myself a cup of tea with a splash of oat milk! I used to always have milk in my hot drinks until anorexia convinced me that calories in oat milk are too much so for months I’ve been having my tea and coffee black. this is a huge win for me

huge win with dinner today - made this jasmine rice bowl with fish fingers, wakame seaweed, pickled red onion, mushrooms and egg (the rice is underneath!) and had it all. then was still hungry and had a piece of toast, some delicious sourdough. and I feel … mostly fine about it.

like, remember when I was a cool person with interests and a personality that didn’t just consist of a crippling fear of food? I barely do. it feels like it’s all there is to me

the thing about my eating disorder is that it’s all-consuming, weirdly enough.

it’s a really difficult time. recovery isn’t a linear, tidy process and I know this, yet it feels like I’m already failing nonetheless

last night I couldn’t make myself have dinner and I was really upset about it. no matter what I did, no matter what I told myself, I didn’t manage to convince myself that I deserve to eat dinner

it feels so weird to see it written down and yet a huge part of having an ED is that imposter syndrome feeling of “I’m just making it up. it’s not real” and I’ve learned that’s the disorder trying to hide. it is real

but then I have a cry over some leftover pizza I can’t make myself have and it’s real again

does it make it feel more real? not really. my brain is really good at making me believe that I’ve made it up, that it’s all in my head and I’m wasting everyone’s time with this treatment

got my letter from the clinic, really weird to see the diagnosis “atypical anorexia nervosa” just written down there

about to peel an orange in an attempt to feel slightly less stressed