I'm brushing my teeth a lot again

I want to blow my mouth off

I despise the concept of virginity. I haven’t had sex. I never want to have sex. But according to conventional views I’ve had far more sex than most people. But I refuse to agree with that framework. I’ve never had sex and I’ve never made porn.

A deeply painful part of my abuse that I don’t believe I’ll ever fully be able to explain is how normal it felt.

I want to burn out my tongue. I don’t understand how I can still taste it.

It’s embarrassing that this many years after I escaped I still have to leave a light on to sleep

I wonder what could have caused two humans to look at their child and violently rip away any hope she had of a better life

I wonder if I’ll ever stop crying in the shower?

I wish I had fought back. I know it wouldn’t have helped but I still wish I had done it.

I trust a sex worker with my safety far more than I trust someone with a shirt that says kill all pedophiles.

It took me a long time to understand that people who love sex and find huge amounts of value in it are going to be some of my strongest allies and supporters in healing. In my experience sex workers so deeply understand the extreme importance of safety and boundaries and respect for victims.

It’s frustrating how people get absurdly focused on violently punishing people who sexually abuse children but leave little thought for the children themselves.

Rape is not sex.

I was forcibly shown porn as a child. I will never be upset at the sex workers who made it. The use of porn to abuse a child is not the fault of sex workers who make it, the blame falls completely on the people who abused me.

The only way I will ever be able to fully recover is if I can burn every sexual organ out of my body.

I have scars, physical and mental, so shameful that I can’t ever write them down or whisper them to myself. I can’t even begin to attempt to tell them to my closest friends and family. How can I ever heal if I can’t even begin to talk about it.

It is up to survivors to decide what we want to happen to our abusers. Some want revenge, some want to forgive, and some want to forget about them forever. There’s no right or wrong thing to want. What is wrong is telling us how you think we should feel about them.

I think many people don’t understand how difficulty it is to talk about CSA. If a survivor is willing to tell you about it they are showing an unbelievable amount of trust in you. So please listen to us, we need the support.

The shame of the physical effects of CSA is overwhelming.

Pronouns: she/her.

Note that this offer does 𝘯𝘰𝘵 apply to survivors of adult sexual trauma. This is not because I believe you do not need the support. It is because this account is for CSA victims.

This account will discuss graphic parts of CSA. Posts with graphic content will be tagged with "graphic CSA".

A picture of a discord profile. The PFP is black, the display name is Valkyrija. The username is _valkyrija_ and the pronouns are she/her. The profile description says, "CSA survivor."

Pinned thread

Account wide trigger warnings: CSA, rape, child abuse, self harm. Specific triggers will be added as needed.

I won't engage in replies or quotes in any way, shape, or form.

Survivors of CSA may reach out to _valkyrija_ on discord if they would like to talk, rant, or whatever else.

Survivors must have places where we can be imperfect. We need places where we can express the terrible thoughts that our abuse left us with. Otherwise how could we ever hope to heal?

As a result of years of sexual abuse I have an extreme amount of difficulty understanding that sex can be enjoyable and consensual. Which deeply impacts how I view my sexually active friends.

I wonder if the band paid to see me that broken?

My rape dreams have been getting less frequent but it feels like each one is worse then they used to be.

It's not fair that I'm broken for the rest of my life and they get to live their lives. I lived but the took my life from me.

It is impossible to understand how much it hurts if you haven't experienced it. My heart is pounding in my chest when I take the trash to the dumpster. I'm on the verge of tears when I'm in a store. I shred, cut, and burn my skin so nobody will ever recognize me.

Europe's largest CSAM network was shut down recently. It had 1.8 million users. But I know nothing on there goes away. The pictures and videos of me are out there and they're never being taken down. I can never show my face.

And yet I crave the approval from sex. In a way I wish someone would rape me again, though I never wish to be touched. I was never good enough at it when I was a kid. But I've grown up now. Perhaps I would be better now.