J. Michael Mull

There are two types of people in this world: those who place the divider after their groceries, proving they understand the social contract, and the other being shit

Since we’re 25 years into this thing, one New Year’s resolution of mine is to live in the 21st century. No more colorized 1920s YouTube footage or Cheers reruns. I can only consume media (how modern; next I’ll be saying content) from 2001 on. As of March 1st, I’ve seen *drum roll please* zero movies

googling if real: sex tape

Hi, my name is Coy Demure and I'm the world's shyest drag queen, and I'm here to slay. Can I go back to my room now?!?

getting blasted back to the Stone Age as a do-over

I was going to take a short walk as I have infinite things to do, but I’m now 2.5 hours into it. Might turn back soon. Can’t say for sure

Due to a combination of cognitive distortions and a fragile sense of self, I regretfully won't be able to attend your one year old's destination birthday.

Please stop wasting your time being disappointed in Democratic senators who choke on Netanyahu’s cock for campaign cash. They are bought-and-paid-for cowards who will never change

when he lost one Supreme Court decision, it was only a matter of days before he had to tantrum and murder some brown people to soothe his ego

YouTube video by Lou Reed - Topic Slip Away (A Warning)

Slip Away (A Warning) | Lou Reed + John Cale

I try to mark the passing of certain people on the anniversary of their death, but I always end up missing it. Lou Reed released a tribute song to Andy Warhol, who passed away on February 22nd, three years after the fact, so at least I’m in good company

had some health issues yada yada yada I was able to listen to music on my AirPods for the first time in two weeks. I was getting sick of all that majesty of nature and the sound of my own thoughts bullshit.

scene from Ferris Bueller's Day Off where Cameron is staring at the Seurat painting, A Sunday Afternoon at La Grande Jatte, as it cuts back and forth with his expressive eyes as he looks closer and closer at the pointillism technique utilized until all he sees nothing but each individual dots of paint. It's that except I changed it to the CBS Evening News Desk mocked up for Whiskey Friday and moving in closer and closer until It's Whiskey Friday is the only thing visible.

T.G.I.W.F.

next week is "Spring Forward," so I will be spending the coming days in homeostasis

people posting about the CBS Evening News ratings are just as myopic as those who think the Melania movie's financial failure was ever the point. Honestly, that’s pure cope.

The Simpson Season 7 Episode 3. The Flanders family adopt The Simpsons children and play some sort of bible knowledge game. Ned Flanders keeps asking Bart questions and the only answer he gives is Jesus. In this meme. I replaced Jesus with Pikachu

me when the gays start talking about Pokemon on my timeline

Terrible ingredients. Terrible pizza. Papa Johns.

You know those odious New York Times profiles of a 25-year-old CEO where the lower middle paragraph reveals a $10 million gift along with a free house from their parents? That is David Ellison.

We all agree phrenology is baseless pseudoscientific nonsense rooted in the prejudices of horrible people, BUT we can also agree Shia LaBeouf possesses the craniofacial features of a deadbeat dad, so who's to say

POLITICO Pro: Crypto super PAC to go after Democrat Juliana Stratton in Illinois Senate primary The campaign against Stratton, who is currently serving as Illinois lieutenant governor, is one of the crypto PAC network’s first big moves in a Senate race this cycle.

FYI: If you live in Illinois or have any influence over Illinois voters, here is another reason to vote for Juliana Stratton in the Senate Primaries on March 17th. A Crypto Super PAC led by Marc Andreessen is currently running attack ads against her

atleast I have another streaming service I will never pay for again

take my umbrage, please!

Rolling Stone made some awful clickbait article to “enhance engagement” and even I almost fell for it

Me and Waiting: Name a more iconic duo. Go ahead, I'll wait

Then I have been living the dream for years

Another data breach, another leak of my most sensitive files. It's only a matter of time now before the public learns the truth: I can't see 3D Magic Eye pictures. If that information ever gets out, my reputation is ruined, I tells ya, ruined!

Life Hack: Avoid stumbling to the bathroom in the middle of the night by never going to bed

• Australian Survivor Ep 1: New host is a bit blah. One speedo sighting. Off to a slow start. ⭐️⭐️

• Australian Survivor Ep 2: New host is still finding his way. Three speedo sightings. Sociopathic players are starting to emerge. ⭐️⭐️⭐️

for sale: wood coffin. lightly used

email for Kings of NY subject line: St. Patrick's Day Starts Now followed by beer glasses toasting emoji

babe, I don't need another excuse to start drinking on a Wednesday morning in February

I'm being shadowbanned by The Legion of Good Posters Who Post Good™