Brick's House 🍁

Aragon: you have my word

Frodo: um i think you mean sword

Aragon: oh shit yeah sorry . you have my sw-

Tolkien: hold on. ‘word’ is better . make it ‘word’ but do a spit take when you say it

Aragon & Frodo: what

I’m a simple creature. I see a cute dog, I whisper “doggie”

It takes a big man to admit that he’s wrong. It takes a small man to squeeze through the dog door

I know I'm prettier when I smile. I just don't give a fuck.

Mirror mirror on the wall why did I walk into this room?

that moment when you realize you’ve eaten more of something than you should have but there’s not enough left to leave for anyone else so it’s like ok here we go

Hey! Hey! Stop that! I know what you're doing. Get back to work.

--me, talking to my lying thermostat

The easiest way to cheer me up is by walking into a glass door you don't see with a full cup of coffee.

It doesn't matter where i am in my house, one of my cats will always be crying for me to come to where they are instead

One Snuggie for wearing and one for rolling up and carrying around for emotional support and what not

should i put up my xmas decorations today ?
(1) yes its time
(b) no you’re jewish
(%) idc i don’t even follow you
(&) is this a poll? i hate polls

"I invited Tim for dinner"

-Tim from work or Tim who works at the ice rink and has had 14 DUI's?

*a zamboni crashes thru the house*

As soon as the tide comes back in it's over for you beaches.

It's the air bass for you then, I'm afraid

Biscuit dough tubes: providing morning jump scares since 1931

I can’t stop thinking about the babysitter. Mostly I wonder when she'll figure out that I'm never coming back.

😂

Duke.

I always find the guy at the local cheese shop grating.

Geddy told me to tell you to turn on the electric blanket

"AI, please remake Platoon in stop motion", I bark at my butler, Keith, whom I've repurposed as offline Chat GPT.

Loaf bois

Geddy and Alex the cats share a carrier for their vet visit

"Going to the vet is stupid"
"IKR?"
"He better not call me fat this time"
"IKR?"
"I hate needles"
"I..."
"If you say IKR one more time I STG"

gimme yule
gimme fire
don me now with gay attire

guess I’d better go online shop at the office

googled current events for buzz word material. death isnt much to work with.

Of all the butters, peanut is the worst lubricant

I, Sir, am not your funk soul brotha, and I will check it out when and if I'm damn good and ready, tyvm.

advent calendar of pills i've found on the ground

rethinking becoming a vampire after seeing how close you have to get to people